What You Call ‘Love’ May Be Possessive Codependence

Just because it’s common practice doesn’t mean it’s not toxic.

Love and relationships are on everybody’s mind these days.

In truth, it has always been on people’s mind, but social media has only existed for the past 15 years or so, providing a platform for everybody in the world to complain in unison.

One of the most common topics of complaint is the act or risk of ‘cheating’ on the part of a person’s romantic partner. (Emotional or physical)

The thing that nobody takes the time to ask is why being in a romantic relationship is equated with ‘ownership’ of the other person?

The reason nobody asks this question is because social conventions are built and reinforced to support possessive romantic relationships.

Most of us have been conditioned to believe that the mark of love is an obsessive desire to be with another person. Within this frame, most people assume that if the other person loves you, they will have an obsessive desire to be with you as well.

The question to ask is whether this belief is accurate?

Is it Love or Codependence?

To unpack this idea further, let’s go to the interweb and take a look at the difference between Love and Codependency…

Love (in a romantic relationship) is defined as a profoundly tender, passionate affection, often mingled with sexual desire, for another person

Makes sense … when you’re attracted to another person, you experience strong feelings of affection and desire.

Codependency in a relationship is when each person involved is mentally, emotionally, physically, and/or spiritually reliant on the other.

Now it’s getting real …

How many people in romantic relationships project their need for safety, stability and wellbeing onto their partner?

How many people attach their sense of self worth to their romantic relationship?

How many people project their lifestyle expectations onto their romantic partner?

How many people address their feelings of anxiety by trying to control their romantic partner?

Do you see how love can rapidly turn into codependency?

What is the Purpose of a Relationship?

If we take a big step back and look at relationships in general, we will see that all relationships contain some sort of transactional element.

All parties involved in a relationship need to receive positive value or it does not make sense to continue.

When relationships are for business, this value exchange is very easy to identify and measure.

When we are talking about romantic relationships, more of the value shifts to the from rational to emotional in nature.

Problems start when the positive value we receive from a relationship drops below the cost of staying, resulting in net negative value.

When this happens, the relationship becomes incompatible … when the relationship cannot continue in harmony unless one person or the other changes.

Why is Breaking off an Incompatible Relationship so Hard?

This is the part that causes pain for so many people … breaking off an incompatible relationship.

In some cases, it is the pain comes from emotional attachment.

In other cases, it is the pain comes from the financial losses that will result from the divorce settlement.

With all that said, my observation is that the most difficult part of breaking off incompatible relationships is getting the other person to detach from their feeling of possession over you.

I experienced all three, but when separating from my ex-wife, getting her to let go of her feelings of entitlement to control over my life was 10x higher than all other forms of pain combined.

(Bearing in mind that she ended up with >80% of the assets)