Whatever You Think Their Reason Is, You're Wrong

“If you loved me, you would not have to ask that question, or you would know the answer already.”

I don’t know about you, but it is one of the most infuriating things that someone can tell me. At the beginning of my relationship with my wife, it drove me nuts because it always made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and didn’t pay enough attention.

We don’t read minds. Yet, we often expect others to know how we feel or think without having said anything. Somewhere along the way, we were taught that when we really love someone, we know them inside out. We are supposed to read their thoughts and know what they want.

However, it seems to me that every time we make that assumption, something horrible happens.

For example, you plan a surprise party for your wife, and she is not happy. She said she didn’t want a party, and you thought she was lying. You thought she was using reverse psychology on you, so you planned the party anyway.

Of course, the opposite also happens: she tells you that she doesn’t want to have a party, you take her at her word and don’t plan a party, but when the birthday day comes, she is disappointed because you didn’t plan a party.

Men do the same.

It’s a no-win situation. I’ve been in these situations, you’ve been in them, and we’ve all suffered through the consequences.

When I was a newlywed, and this situation occurred, I used to feel guilty, thinking I was the one to blame.

That all changed after I went to a personal development seminar.

We are (almost) always wrong

I attended a seminar by Stephen Gaffney, where he did an interesting exercise that I encourage you to try at home. Try it with people you know well enough but with whom you aren’t necessarily intimate.

The exercise is simple: take a look at how they’re dressed, state a fact about how they’re dressed, and then give an opinion on why that is. In other words, provide justification for the fact that you noticed.

Here is an example.

“You’re wearing a light-yellow shirt, with no undershirt, and the top two buttons are undone.” That’s a fact. It’s something that can be viewed through a camera, so you can see it or hear it. In the future, who knows, the camera might even allow you to taste it, touch it, or smell it. But I digress.

“Your top two buttons are undone because you want to flash the gold chain you have hanging around your neck.” That’s the opinion. You take the fact, and you ascribe a justification for it, which only the other person will know.

Do that 10 times, and ask the person to tell you how often you got it right. When we did the exercise, we were a relatively large audience, and the people who got the most correct answers got four or five of them right. Most of the time, the justification was incorrect.

For the example above, the justification could be, “Yes, I keep my top two buttons undone because I want people to see my gold chain.” But it could also be, “No, I keep my top two buttons undone because I get a claustrophobic feeling when I button them. I can’t wear ties because of that.” It could also be, “Normally, I have only one button undone, but today I accidentally ripped off the second button. I’m leaving it like this until I can sew it back on.”

You get the picture.

That exercise is the first time I realized how often I tended to jump to conclusions and make assumptions about other people’s behaviors. It opened my eyes to the fact that I didn’t know diddly squat. I just assumed that because it was what I thought, it was correct.

Our success rate is so low when providing justification for a fact because there’s only one possible right answer, but there is an innumerable number of incorrect answers. Mathematically speaking, you have a better chance of getting an answer wrong than getting an answer right. Results could be higher if you did the exercise with people you know intimately, but probably not much more.

If we could read minds and understand people’s motivations, there wouldn’t be as many wars, there wouldn’t be as many communication breakdowns, and the divorce rate would be much lower.

From that day on, I decided not to judge and make assumptions about people’s behaviors. I also got into the habit of asking people to explain why they do things. I realized that listening to others and asking questions was much more important than giving my opinion on a given matter. I’ve kept this attitude to this day.

Some people find it annoying because they will ask me a question, and before I answer, I always ask them to clarify what they mean. When I ask people to clarify their thinking, they often find it difficult to answer.

We’re not used to being completely open and honest, especially when it comes to our feelings and beliefs.

How to fix this? Shut up and listen

Ask questions, and be curious.

But asking questions doesn’t mean conducting an interrogation. That’s not what people want, and it might put them on the defensive. Ask questions because you’re genuinely interested in what the other person has to say.

When you ask questions, be patient. Give the other person time to answer. Don’t jump in and answer for them. Sometimes it takes time to formulate a response, especially if you are asking a difficult question or if your questions can’t be easily answered by “yes” or “no.” And even those yes and no questions may require some explanation, so they may not be easy to answer either.

We tend to not really listen, but instead, we wait until the other person takes a breath and then try to jump in and provide our opinion. Yes, I hear you laughing! An embarrassed laugh, but laughter nevertheless.

It’s also acceptable for the other person to say that they don’t want to answer your question. Unless you’re a cop (and even if you are a cop), nobody is obliged to answer your questions. If they don’t want to, let it be. I will add a caveat to that, though: if the answer to the question is essential for you, give the person a pass for now but request to revisit the subject later. It will give the other person time to think about it, mull over the answers to the questions you’re asking, and make it easier on both them and you.

. . .

When you’re trying to understand other people, you have to get out of your head. Don’t assume that you understand precisely why somebody did something, especially if you feel slighted by that person’s actions. Instead, take time to understand, clarify, and ask questions.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

Thankfully, we don’t read minds. If we did, some of us would be in much more trouble than we already are! We’ll never be mind readers, but we can be mind pokers.
Ask. Wait. Discuss.