What’s Better Than Getting Your M.R.S.?

A recent college graduation was treated to an inane and misogynistic speech that I’m sure I don’t need to give any more airtime to right now. Suffice it to say, rational and decent human beings find it offensive that the speaker went so far as to say that a woman’s vocation should be Wife and Homemaker, unpaid positions in the household of a man. I had to check my calendar to see what year this is. Had I mistakenly fallen into a hot tub time machine? I pinched myself. Could I be awake? Was this for real? I even looked for the candid camera, and I don’t think that’s a thing anymore.

It’s been a long time since women went to college to get her MRS degree. In fact, it was well before my generation and my mother’s. It was likely something my grandmothers’ generation dealt with, and we’ve come so far from that. Or have we? Because the college staff gave this man a platform to air his antiquated and misogynistic views. Maybe we haven’t come as far as we thought.

I think about that often as I watch women’s rights roll back to an earlier time. I watch as we lose those hard-won reproductive freedoms and listen to discourse that attacks IVF, contraceptives, and other healthcare issues for women. It would be one thing if it was men alone shouting this hate into the atmosphere, but women are doing it, too. They don’t know the cost, and frankly, they don’t care if someone else has to pay it.

I got married early. I had my own MRS degree before I got my Bachelor of Science degree in Psychology and before I earned a Master of Arts in Community Counseling. I married young because it was what people were doing around me. Marriage, babies. It was all a part of the plan we were taught to want. When I put off having children until I was 30, it was assumed I either couldn’t have children or didn’t want them. It wasn’t assumed that I had other goals for myself other than being a wife and mother.

I should note here that I am now divorced. I added Single Mother to my list of credentials. That MRS degree didn’t do anything but undermine my confidence and wreck my finances. But I found there was so much I could do without it.

What’s better than the old-fashioned goal of marriage for women?

Knowing ourselves deeply and living from a place of authenticity
Never settling and ignoring peer pressure urging us to do so
Chasing our dreams because we’re just as worthy of them
Getting an education as a steppingstone to a career, not to a relationship
Cultivating strong and supportive friendships
Exploring our sexuality and knowing ourselves intimately
Developing hobbies that enrich our lives
Finding our purpose in ourselves and not in our relationships
Traveling the world so that we have a better understanding of other people, cultures, and lifestyles
Defining what works for us as individuals rather than following a preordained path for our gender

While I understand my marriage isn’t representative of the institution as a whole, I can say that it made me small. It kept me limited. I shouldered more of the work in and out of the household, but my contributions were always seen as somehow less. Perhaps I wouldn’t have ended up in a marriage like that if society hadn’t been shouting at me about next steps and asking about future wedding plans before I’d had time to get to know myself and spend some time focusing on my own goals.

We’ve come too far to go back, but we are, in fact, going back. With every right we lose. With every time a man like that is given a platform to spew his hate and ignorance. With every time we fail to vote and fail to advocate for all women. We’ve come far, but it’s not far enough. Our ancestors fought like hell to get here, and it’s time we honor them by refusing to be dragged back into a time that wasn’t great for anyone but cis-gendered white men.

I did not fall into a hot tub time machine. I am awake, and there’s no camera waiting to show me that I’ve been Punk’d. That speech really happened. And it’s not okay.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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