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Every Monday, I post the above meme in my private Facebook group for single women over 40. I like to begin a discussion about what they find most confusing about men. Why? Because I find that many women misunderstand men. (And men misunderstand women.) So many singles are searching for lasting love, and it’s difficult if men and women continue to see each other as the ‘enemy’ or an alien from another planet.
I sincerely believe that one of the keys to creating deep lasting loving relationships is understanding the opposite sex—how they communicate, think, and process information. With that in mind, I am posting a recent thread from my Facebook group about how to make sense of men. Here’s what the women in the group said about men and my responses.
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What’s the most confusing thing about men?
Group Member: Make sense of men??? Ha ha…impossible!!
Me: Nah. Men are people, too 🙂
Group Member: Except for the unhealthy men online (and I don’t mean physically), most men want the same thing we do. BUT, men and women ARE wired differently. That doesn’t mean a healthy relationship cannot be formed between us. It’s a constant work in progress. We cannot get married and then sit back and do nothing. Sadly, many couples plan their wedding but don’t plan out their marriage. There are numerous topics which should be discussed before tying that knot. It just all goes back to those 2 important words: RESPECT and COMMUNICATION. Without that, there is no relationship.
Group Member: Many men I have known are very rigid in their belief that, even when someone expresses that a guy’s behavior is hurtful or difficult, these men will assert their “right” to be that way by saying, “That’s who I am.”
I have known women somewhat like this, but they tend to be more aware and make an attempt to modify their behavior.
Me: Those are rigid controlling men who are not team players. Stay away from them. There are so many men who are open to feedback, especially when said in a kind constructive way.
Group Member: Young men today are not as controlling as those of my generation, for they live in a different society. Today, women stand up for themselves far more than I did!
I can remember that even as recently as the 1970s, women were often depicted as weak and/or helpless in movies and TV, except when using sexual allure. It has taken me a long time to learn to stand up for myself.
Group Member: Me, too! My daughters are pros at standing up for themselves. I am still learning, but getting better! This group has helped a lot. We have a ready-whenever-you-need-it Cheering section here!
Group Member: I think that extroverted personality types may find it more natural to speak up for themselves. Introverts, like me, can be targeted by some. I have learned that I have to let predatory or controlling types know that being reserved does not equal being a doormat.
Group Member: Not always! Yours truly is a bubbly extrovert who was raised that speaking up for myself was aggressive/not good. Making everybody happy is what I was raised to do as an Extrovert.
Me: I am an introvert, and I have learned to speak up. Like Leslie says, it’s not necessarily an introvert/extrovert issue as much as it’s a kind, empathic woman issue. Us nice ladies often get thrown under the bus until we learn to recognize toxic. Oh, and yes, a people pleaser issue for sure.
Group Member: Took me a very long time to recognize toxic folks. Even now I can get pulled in, but have enough awareness now that I didn’t use to have that this person is likely dangerous to be around.
Group Member: What’s most confusing is when men show interest in getting together and look at your profile for several days in a row then disappear.
Me: I hear you. My best advice is that it’s not worth giving it any energy. If you try and figure out why men disappear, you will only drive yourself crazy. You will never know why. And it won’t matter. Suffice it to say that they’re not the right guy for you.
Group Member: It only matters if there was something I did or did not do to create enough attraction during our conversations. We can’t always blame the men 🙂 I always seek to learn. I am still single and not having a man tell me I’m his “ONE ” so there’s something I’m not doing right!!
Me: It’s important to take responsibility for your share in relationships, but these are men you’re not even dating yet. Sometimes it’s about something you may have said or not said or done, but usually, in the initial online dating back-and-forth, I chalk it up to online dating A.D.D.
Group Member: I’ve encountered this, especially when the beginnings of plans are made (“Are you available this weekend?”) then poof—even though things seem fine. I suspect (and sometimes it is later confirmed) that the man is not as single as he indicated (had a spat with a girlfriend or is getting back together with an ex). Or he’s also contacted several women and decided to go out with another one for whatever reason.
Group Member: Indeed –A.D.D.–short attention span and then “next”, which is why if they can’t wait to meet you to see your value, then their interest is not strong enough. This is why it’s good to have several men lined up for dates early on 🙂
Group Member: Sometimes I think men are testing the water and see if you won’t be into what they are into. It’s a sorting process. For example, if they love to run, but you have nothing about running on your profile, then they move on. Or, they like to mountain climb and you just told them, “I’m afraid of heights.” Or, he’s in recovery and you are holding a bottle of champagne and a glass in your photo. It’s not a rejection of you but a lack of compatibility.
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Okay men, it’s your turn. What do you think about what the women said about men? And what do you find most confusing about women?
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“And what do you find most confusing about women?” If a group of men and a group of women meet up somewhere, most often at a bar or a restaurant but it could be any kind of place really, there’s a tendency to gradually shun and turn away from the more soft-spoken guys and more and more center the attention to the flashiest guy in the group, the one who talks the most (and loudest), even if everybody know he’s mostly exaggerating and shooting hot air in the love of his own voice. We men are often told to be… Read more »
Sure, the loud flashy guys get attention. Same with the overtly sexy overly made-up women who stand out in a dark bar. Who cares? I don’t hang out in bars and never did, and I’m not a fan of shouting over a crowd in a social situation. That’s because I’m an introvert, and I connect deeply in small settings. If you’re soft-spoken, stay away from situations that are not in alignment with who you are. Go to meetups instead of bars. A woman of substance is looking for a man of substance, not a flashy shiny guy. She may find… Read more »
I quote myself ” most often at a bar or a restaurant but it could be any kind of place really”
Who cares? Obviously I do, since I asked the question.
The appearance of flashy shiny guys are not restricted to bars. Although different in orders of magnitude, I’ve experienced that most settings, even small meetups, have their own subset of “shiny guys”. And any person, man OR woman, looking for a person with depth and substance, would have to be able to look past that.
But I don’t articulate myself well enough, so just forget it.
Instead of doing the ‘compare and despair’ routine and thinking it’s shiny guy or bust, how about living by this quote by Steve Martin “Be so good they can’t ignore you.”?
Oh, they can, believe me. I’m sorry, but I didn’t come here to start a debate or an argument. I just made an attempt to answer the question you posed “And what do you find most confusing about women?”. If I may rephrase my original statement to not focus on myself, perhaps it makes a bit more sense, perhaps not? “Most women talk about wanting a man who listens to them, hear them out and “gets” them. Yet in any kind of social/meetup situation, it seems (to me) that most women are drawn to the men who speak the most… Read more »
A major problem is the toxic ” media ” , which subtly programs women to view men as inferior , sex obsessed dumb morons , in addition to man hating feminist propaganda , men are heavily demonized for the heinous crime of possession of a Y chromosome !! A lot of men actually believe that men are no longer needed or wanted by women anymore & women are much happier in their ultra close inter female friendships without men in their lives. Many & a growing number of men have & are opting out of even dating , to the… Read more »
KE, Thank you for your very thoughtful and poignant remark. It’s sad but true on both sides of the equation. I work hard every day to bust stereotypes, to teach women that men are people with feelings and needs just like they are. Unfortunately, when heartache happens, people tend to become guarded and demonize the other instead of taking responsibility for what they can do better next time, whether it’s recognizing red flags early on, speaking up when feelings are hurt, asking more questions instead of making assumptions… One of the reasons I enjoy writing for the Good Men Project… Read more »
What I find most confusing about women is everything, because no two are exactly alike. Like a field full of flowers, they all look the same, they all act the same, from a distance, but when you get up close and personal they are all just slightly different, unique in their own way. Might be simplistic, but the way I see it, one can’t possibly know every detail of ever flower in a field, but you can pick just one and learn everything there is to know about that one. In the 24 years with mine, I’ve learned all I’ll… Read more »
BAM! DJ, I love the metaphor of flowers and pedals. How poetic and beautiful and true that we’re all different, and when you find the right woman, you “spend the rest of our lives studying just that one.” I do want to ad that men and women do differ in many ways, and it helps to know that when you’re dating. The problem, like I said at the beginning of the article, is that we tend to judge one another by how we would speak, process, and act, instead of being open and curious and NOT JUDGMENTAL. I believe that… Read more »
True, and true.
@DJ Roukan Roukan and @Sandy Weiner: Enjoyed both your comments.
Meh – I am fully prepared to give them the same attention and consideration that I get, Hell – I will double it. I have a full 12 seconds of passive aggressive, judgemental disparaging silence waiting for each of them in turn, group discounts available, while supplies last, not available in all areas, taxes and delivery fees may apply.
“I sincerely believe that one of the keys to creating deep lasting loving relationships is understanding the opposite sex—how they communicate, think, and process information.” Yes! While I understand you are a dating coach, this should be the goal of men and women regardless… It is essential for better gender relations. We should seek to understand one another AND respect our differences. “What do you think about what the women said about men?” Well, we either have A.D.D, or are controlling/rigid, or are just plain toxic. No? So, I guess we men should be swimming in a sea of happiness.… Read more »
Jules, it’s hard to know much about women if you’ve not had much experience in terms of dating after your divorce. “A lot of women set the bar low for sex with men whom they care little or nothing about (other than having sex with them) while raising the bar for men whom they want a relationship with or marriage. As a man, that just seems totally illogical and confusing. I think for most men it is very much a turn off and leads to a lot of mistrust.” Have sex when you’re not invested in the person? That is… Read more »
Well, people have sex all the time without being emotionally invested Sandy. You seem to be speaking of deeply connected long-term relationships here. In general, men simply do not need the kind of emotional investment for sex as women. Just a fact. Studies show this to be true as well. Also, more and more women sexual behaviors and tendencies is starting to resemble that of men. However, a lot of research show that this type of behavior by women tends to be the case for short term relationships as oppose to long term relationship. But, it still points to the… Read more »