If you’ve been hurt in the past (you’re human, right?), and you haven’t worked through your pain and fear in dating and relationships, it will be almost impossible for you to find lasting love.
I know many people who have stopped dating, because they’re afraid of getting hurt again. How about you? Maybe the mere thought of dating makes you break out in hives. Or perhaps you are actively dating, but you’re never attracted to anyone. You find fault in all your dates. That’s not because most people are unattractive and deeply flawed. It’s because of fear. When you date through the lens of fear, the world of dating can seem bleak and hopeless.
A fearful guarded heart shuts love out. You could meet the love of your life, but you would probably subconsciously push him/her away. Most fears are imagined, or False Expectations Appearing Real. If they go unchecked, they will keep you from the intimate relationship that could rock your world.
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Without pain there is no true love
In my TEDx talk, I spoke about the “tootsie pop” layers that used to surround my heart. I thought they’d keep me safe from pain. I developed those guards because of past heartbreak and failed relationships. I learned the wrong lessons; when you get hurt, it’s best to stay safe and guard your heart. That way, you won’t get hurt again. This couldn’t be further from the truth.
The fear of getting hurt again was the main reason I married ‘safe’, a decision that turned out to be far from the ‘safe’ loving relationship I yearned for.
The fear of getting hurt again was the main reason I married ‘safe’, a decision that turned out to be far from the loving relationship I yearned for.
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Guarding my heart kept me from fully experiencing the joy of a loving partnership, from choosing a man with whom I’d experience the full gamut of love’s emotions; the ups, the downs, the pain and the absolute joy of true love.
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15 of the greatest fears in dating and relationship
I polled my private Facebook group of over 700 single women over 40, and here are their top 15 dating and relationship fears.
- Getting a disease.
- Never finding the ‘one’.
- Having my heart ripped out of my chest (not literally).
- Finding and KEEPING the relationship I want. I am so willing to put in the work to find love, and keep hearing that he is out there, but sometimes I really wonder if it is all BS!!
- The unknown. Taking the first step, then the second…like falling off a cliff and hoping someone catches you. But, the possible risks are all worth the possible reward.
- Giving up my independence.
- Getting involved with an asshole I then have trouble getting rid of.
- Rejection.
- Want to avoid divorce at all costs and would prefer not to spend the second half of my life without a loving partner, but will be on my own until the right one shows up.
- Getting stuck in a situation or with someone that I cannot get out of. I remember when I was younger and dating, my mom NEVER gave me a curfew (I was the good little girl and really did not have that many dates). There were so many times I had wished she gave me a curfew! It’s not nearly as bad now, because I’ve learned that it’s MY life and I can say goodbye whenever I wish.
- Breach of trust, lying.
- Repeating unhealthy patterns.
- Getting involved with another sociopath. Connecting to the wrong person, because as time passes, his true identity is revealed.
- That I will not open my heart fully for fear of being hurt.
- That I won’t be accepted for who I am, food allergies and all.
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Is fear keeping you from love? If you’d like to overcome your fears, I have a wonderful low-cost mini course about how to overcome fears in dating and relationships. You’ll learn how to work through fear of emotional intimacy, and how to date again after a breakup or divorce. You’ll discover the top fears when dating in midlife and how to overcome them, and you’ll learn how to un-guard your heart and attract the love you deserve. Click here to learn more.
Please share your top fears in dating and relationships.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Sandy, Nice read. Thank you. I wonder what a hypothetical “private Facebook group of over 700 single men over 40” would say their fears were? Perhaps you have some sources? Lol. I think these fears are genuine as expressed by these women. Obviously they are based on their personal experiences. Hence, I am reluctant to invalidate them. Do you think there is too much of a focus on this notion of romantic love Sandy? Maybe romantic love is something that must be cultivated over a long period of time? I suppose we must have the patience and resolve of the… Read more »
The Scripture cited above for the Prophet Job is from Job 5:19 not Proverbs 24:16.
I really enjoyed reading this. I have been betrayed by someone I loved very much and I don’t know if I will ever be able to trust again. The unfortunate thing is that he behaves as if he had no role in the demise of our relationship – no accountability at all. I do hope that I meet someone who has integrity, but I have to be open and at the same time careful who I allow into my heart and life.
Irma, Sounds like you loved someone who was unable to love you back in the way you deserved. I’m sorry about that, and I know it hurts. The way to trust again begins with taking an honest look at your relationship patterns. We often repeat patterns until we become aware of them. Then you can learn the red flags you need to look out for in the future. You can’t open your heart fully to love again until you love yourself and establish clear standards for how you want to be treated. You deserve a loving relationship. And you don’t… Read more »
Not fear, but meeting someone who would accept an invitation for a date instead of rejecting me at first sight, seems to be an unattainable utopia.
I used to fear the tought of growing old and die alone, but over the years I’ve kind of starting to adapt to the idea.
@FlyingKal
Why do you think no woman accepts your invitation for a date? I believe everyone is capable of improving their dating success. Dating and relationship success requires skills and inner work. I can guarantee that if you apply some new skills and do the inner work, your success will improve.
Hi Sandy, Why do I think no woman accepts my invitations? I have no idea. I tried to live my life a decent human being, meeting others as mostly kind and helpful. I have educated myself, and tried to do my “inner work”. But the game of attraction and dating, I have just never figured out. In a room full of people, I am always the one singled out and left lonely. If I try to approach a woman, she just looks at me up and down and frown at me, or turn away before I even say “Hi”. If… Read more »