I don’t remember how we got on the topic of “high maintenance” people. But it prompted my wife Ana to ask me, “Am I high maintenance?”
I thought about it for a bit and said, “Yes, but you make it fun. It never feels like a chore.”
I realized later, that’s not accurate. What she is, isn’t high maintenance.
Ana is high engagement.
I do not “maintain” her. She does not require “maintenance.”
By the way, there are people who do! They demand constant upkeep from their partner, and it’s hard work. Here are a few examples:
- They create problems or strife in order to get their partner to demonstrate love by jumping through unnecessary hoops.
- Or they’re emotionally dysregulated and depend on their partner’s emotional stability to stablize them.
- Or they’re self-focused and demanding in a way that reduces their partner to a service provider. (Who isn’t quite cutting it.)
Ana has my back. And I have hers. We’re best friends and co-conspirators in life. That’s true whether we’re up or down, or in agreement or disagreement at any given moment.
She doesn’t just love me, she likes me. I am never a role to her. We are allies, beloveds, lovers, and life partners.
Now, is our relationship effortless?
Heh. 😏
Ana is a passionate, opinionated, smart-as-fuck, emotionally intelligent, self-assured, Cuban-Jewish Enneagram Eight.
She’s a flirty, mouthy boat rocker and bullshit detector.
I don’t think anyone who knows her would call her “chill.”
This relationship calls upon everything I have within me as a man, and stretches me to become more. I often feel like my entire life life up to now has been prep for this relationship.
You could say there’s a bit of effort involved.
But let’s distinguish between effort that feels like work, vs. effort that feels like flow.
The first has you wish you were somewhere else. The second has you feel alive. It’s the kind of activity you look forward to, the kind you seek out.
And for someone like me whose playground is human connection, this relationship is like the best black diamond ski slope, crossed with the world’s toughest Sudoku, mixed with 15 minutes of improv on a TED stage riffing on my most private diary entries… all wrapped into one.
My wife and I have a high-engagement relationship. It is by far the most fun, challenging-in-the-best-sense relationship I’ve ever had.
What makes it challenging? We both have a high standard for the kind of relationship we want to have. We put in the time and effort and vulnerability required to continuously reach new places of intimacy, love, closeness, fulfillment, sex, and joy.
And because of this our relationship keeps getting better and better over time.
(Just like any activity you enjoy and dedicate yourself to mastering.)
But yeah, no. Ana is not high maintenance.
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Previously Published on Medium
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