In our world, and especially in the media, we are used to seeing family in a certain way. Even though the concept of family has evolved, blended families exist, single-parent families are a thing, adopted families are real, and yet we persist in viewing the familial unit in one way: a nuclear family. Often we imagine a family with the following roles: a husband, wife and two kids living in a house in the suburbs. It’s preferable they have a dog, and acceptable if they have a cat. But, family primarily consists of a man, a woman, and two children. However, we know that’s not reality, and we’re aware that there are many different kinds of families. Here’s an example of where a family is different from what society tells us. What is it like for a boy to grow up without his mother?
Motherless Brooklyn
There is a classic book by Jonathan Lethem called Motherless Brooklyn. In the book, Lionel Essrog is an orphan with Tourette’s Syndrome. He grows up without a mother and starts working for the Brooklyn mafia. The book alludes to what it’s like to grow up without a mother. Essrog lives a chaotic life where he’s engrossed in the mafia crime world. One underlying message that a reader might take away from Lethem’s book is that when a man loses his mother, he is destined for a life of crime. Of course, this isn’t the case, and men who lose their mothers at a young age still can live fully functional lives, but they are still profoundly impacted by their loss.
A boy loses his mom
Imagine a situation where a young boy’s mother dies abruptly. Maybe he barely remembers her because when we’re small children, it’s difficult to hang onto memories or perhaps the memories are better formed if he’s slightly older.
As he grows up his father raises him. However, his dad has a full-time job, so he barely sees his son. The boy is often in after school because no one can pick him up when school is out at 3 pm. He’s raised by teachers, he’s brought up by his peers, and he’s nurtured by his community, because it genuinely does (as the saying goes) take a village to raise a child, and it takes kind human beings to show that they care about this boy. Even though he knows that people love him, he still feels a sense of emptiness, and he doesn’t understand how to reconcile that. Still, he doesn’t know how to cope with his grief.
Identity and boyhood
Our identities begin to form in childhood, get stronger in adolescence and solidified in adulthood. If a boy doesn’t have his mother, she doesn’t influence his identity in a certain way. Sure, there are genetic components to identity. Maybe the boy resembles his mother physically. However, he doesn’t have an ongoing personal relationship with her if she died before that could form. There is pain associated with a lack of a connection with your mother, regardless of who you are. For young boys, it’s crucial to get the treatment they need to cope with this sadness.
Grief counseling can help boys and men cope with a loss
Death is a hard thing for a young child to comprehend. If a boy’s mother dies when he is too young to understand what death is, this can be extremely difficult. However, as he grows older, he will have opportunities to address his pain from the loss in therapy. Perhaps when he is a teenager, he will be old enough to understand what the death of his mother meant. Grief counseling is an excellent place to express feelings about death, loss, and healing. Maybe you’re already a grown man who lost his mother, and you’ve never dealt with that pain. You can see a counselor who will help you confront your pain and begin to heal. There are mental health professionals available to help you with grieving in your local area or consider seeing an online grief counselor. Sometimes talking about death makes people feel vulnerable and exposed. Here’s a way that online counseling can support you: you can speak to your therapist in the comfort of your own home, and if you need to curl up in bed afterward, you can do that. Don’t be afraid to get the help you need.
Help means healing
If you’ve never dealt with the pain from your past, it’s not too late to do so. As an adult man, you can cope with losing your mother. Sometimes you can talk to your partner about loss, but not always. You might need to speak to a mental health professional and you are a lot alone; there’s someone out there who can help you get through your pain. Reach out for help and start to heal.
This is a featured post by site sponsor Better Help.
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