It’s hard for a man to pinpoint. That exact moment when things flatlined in his relationship. Especially after so many years together.
My client Michael wonders. When did it happen?
He doesn’t know. And yet undeniably, there’s something missing in his relationship.
A fire. A passion. An excitement. A desire for one another. Sex. He hungers for it.
Do you feel something missing in your relationship?
Michael remembers the “old us.” They were in their twenties in New York. Before marriage. Before kids. When they dove into each other’s bodies spontaneously at any time of day or night.
But these days, sex is infrequent, if at all. Getting things done — work, kids, home — takes priority over spontaneously diving into each other’s bodies.
He feels like a cliché, A sexually-repressed, middle-aged guy.
“I don’t know when it happened. But over time, she shut down sexually.”
Is your partner shut down sexually?
“It’s hard to imagine continuing like this. I mean, I need sex. I’m a sexual man!”
Michael pauses. He says, “It’s not just about sex, you know. It’s about connection, feeling her love and her desire.”
I nod affirmingly.
“She’s more receptive when things are going well and we feel close. But lately, she’s like a dry well.” He sighs. “I hate to speak about her like that. But it feels good to be honest about it.”
Have you told her that you’re frustrated?
“She knows. But it’s easier to avoid it. Talking about it just make it worse.”
“How’s that strategy working for you?” I ask.
“I know it’s not good, but she says I can’t pressure her. She has to be in the mood to have sex. I don’t know what else to do.”
What if you could get sex just by being you?
“That would be great. But I don’t even know who I am with her anymore. It’s like I’ve lost myself,” he says.
“Ok, good, now you know the problem. You’ve lost yourself. So let’s fix it.”
I talked to Michael about owning his N.U.T.S. No, not the anatomical part of his body. But four letters that would recover who he was and make him his sexiest to his partner.
Have you given up who you are in your relationship?
Michael did but after a few months of working with me, he discovered who he was again and began owning his N.U.T.S.
I coached him about how his problem wasn’t as much about his wife, but him.
“You pivot off of her, relying on her mood, instead of focusing on yourself and what you really want. And that causes you to be needy and groveling without even knowing it. No woman wants to be with a needy man.”
His wife said just those words when she joined one of our zoom calls. I encouraged Michael to tell her how living in a sexless marriage impacted him.
He hesitated and looked at me. I nodded and had him take a breath.
Facing her, he said, “I get distant and disconnected. I feel like I’ve lost you. I even get scared that we’ll become one of those old, grumpy, sexless couples.”
Michael didn’t want that. And neither did she.
“And also,” he continued. “It’s not just about sex. It’s about my love and desire for you. It’s you I want. Love and connection with you.”
A tear fell down her face.
“I love that you’re talking so directly to me. You’re very attractive when you’re not hiding out, Michael,” she said.
Clearly, Michael’s wife was open to hearing him. And with continued effort, a new chapter in their relationship began.
While what Michael did was simple, it took some work. He owned his N.U.T.S and spoke directly to his wife.
How can you own your N.U.T.S to bring back the fire, passion, and sex in your relationship?
Stop suppressing your sexuality to stay in an unsatisfying relationship. Living in the fear of things getting worse is no way to get what you want.
Discover those four letters for yourself in the short video below. Four letters, for real!
Previously Published on stuartmotola.com