Why being beautiful can at times feel like a curse.
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This article may sound like an exercise in conceit but I have to be honest. It’s hard being beautiful in 2015. Let me explain.
I would have never guessed that being beautiful carries so much baggage but sadly, it does.
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I am a very good looking man. I am tall, have excellent bone structure and possess a decent semi-athletic build that most would sell a vital organ for. I am what most would refer to as a “triple threat”. Not only am I good looking, I am also very talented and highly intelligent. It is not my intention to brag about all this but I am simply stating the obvious. You would think with all these wonderful attributes life would be easier. However being beautiful presents many challenges. For one, it means always having to use a disclaimer to assure others of your humble nature. For two, it means always having to preface your self-esteem with a blurb that quiets outside insecurities. It also means having to downplay and mask your confidence for the sake of friendship and acceptance. Somehow, I would have never guessed that being beautiful carries so much baggage but sadly, it does.
Being a triple threat, you would think I would be popular with an overstocked inbox filled to the brim with invitations, well wishes, opportunities and gifts but that is quite to the contrary. If anything being beautiful can be very lonely and can at times feel like an apology you have to eventually offer the world. It can render you persona non-grata, only kept company by those who wish to use your beauty for the purposes of their own ego enhancement.
I asked myself why being beautiful can at times feel lonely and curse-like considering it was once believed that beauty afforded you options and opportunities less attractive people weren’t privy to. I found my answer lodged in between the question as most people feel that beautiful people are already given certain advantages due to their looks. Most people assume that beautiful people will be OK and will be taken care of by the generous hands of John and Jane Q. Public. They reason that beautiful people already have sponsors and people that look out for them so why should they. Unfortunately our society finds it very difficult to empathize with the struggle of physically attractive people.
I have met people who have told me that they would never date me because of how I looked. They said that to date me would mean they would constantly find themselves having to fight in order to protect our bond.
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Also there is a biased perception and underlying belief that surrounds beautiful people. All beautiful people are believed to be shallow, superficial, unintelligent attention junkies who are somewhat insatiable, needing constant praise and admiration from a fan club of their peers. They are erroneously deemed high maintenance and seen as people who are demanding and require too much effort. A lot of people shy away from such “emotionally needy” individuals not realizing the beauty bias that exists even within their own unconscious.
Another reason why beauty can feel like a curse is because of its duplicitous nature. On one hand you are loved for being easy on the eyes but on the other you are feared because of the power that you hold. Let’s face it, beauty is power and freedom. The ones who have it pose a significant threat to the ones who don’t.
I have met people who have told me that they would never date me because of how I looked. They said that to date me would mean they would constantly find themselves having to fight in order to protect our bond. I was also told they wouldn’t date me because they felt that they would always have to wonder and worry if I would cheat on them because of how “gorgeous” I was. Somehow because of my looks, I was labeled unfaithful and assigned this role of Rico Suave ‘papi chulo’ whose entire DNA makeup was engineered towards infidelity and heartbreak. At the time, this line of logic was ridiculous and made absolutely no sense to me. I was befuddled by their feelings.
I finally realized that people are very insecure and often times try to project those negative feelings onto me by applying misinformed definitions to my character based on how I look. They do not like standing next to me because when they stand next to me, they feel invisible. Everybody wants to feel special and important and only enjoy standing next to those that make them feel this way. Through no fault of my own, I make others feel inadequate. Their self-esteem is compromised and extensively questioned when in my company.
Because of my physical attributes, I am unfortunately perceived as a threat. My height and stature makes me a symbol of authority which these days, most wish to rebel against. My wit and intelligence can at times be very unnerving for some who operate under the misguided belief that beautiful people are nothing more than brainless trophies.
While it is understandable why people only want to associate with those that make them stand out and look good, such exclusivity perpetuates the stereotype that beautiful people already have. They are seen as arrogant and exclusive but when they try and ingratiate themselves within various circles of ordinary faces, they are callously excluded thus forcing them to surround themselves with their own kind of wonderful. What are beautiful people supposed to do when they are both praised and avoided by a society that esteems and vilifies them all at the same time?
Being beautiful can be very difficult especially in a world that both celebrates and demonizes your beauty all at the same time. Such conflicting messages foster a painful dissonance and ambivalence about something that should be celebrated. As a beautiful man, I am learning how to disarm and defuse the negative messages associated with my beauty and celebrate my gifts. I am learning how to extract public opinion from my consciousness and continue living my life grateful for each and every part of my wonderful existence. This is important if I am to continue letting my beauty shine and I will most definitely continue letting my light shine!
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Photo credit: Getty Images
Ummm … beauty is in the eye of the beholder. You are not beautiful to me – nor are you ugly – but I wouldn’t call you beautiful by a long shot.
🙂
I totally agree with ya
John
It is true!
@ silke I also heard people especially women, but I’ve felt it too, say that people look different to you once you get to know them. I know a woman who had waist length, straight, hair. She decided to get it cut and styled. It probably looked better, but I hated it because it didn’t look like her. I know a woman who using the same style she wore in the 60s. She apologized / complained about it, but I know her husband of 40 or so years would probably throw a fit if she changed it. We sometimes fall… Read more »
Hi here is a video for all of you. Meet Wayne .a man I like a lot. My favorite make up artist on youtube WAYNE GOSS show some photos of women with and without makeup. Today, it is possible for most women to look good ,even beautiful if they use make up cleverly. That is why I do not understand it when women say that ” men are not attracted to me ” and mean men are not attracted to them because of the way they look Anyone can develop a personal style. Anyone can learn to put on makeup… Read more »
“As far as I know the best looking people among us are not happier than any other person.” Think this comment is an important one to consider. There is always this perception that more attractive people are living better lives. But, there is no real proof of that, we just assume that they are. Regular people who are less attractive always feel they have to develop other skills, talents and character to compensate for their lack of looks. We are told beauty is only skin deep. Why should it be different for beautiful people to have those same challenges, to… Read more »
If you grow up in family with members that others decribe as beautiful then you are not afraid of other good looking people. At least that is my personal experience.,My father was unsually handsome and I am not afraid of good looking men. There are many ugly myths about good looking people,like that they cheat more often , or that they demand more than others. As far as I know the best looking people among us are not happier than any other person. And I have never seen statistics that show they have a lower divorce rate or better mental… Read more »
I am curious as to what kind of women the author is attracted to and pursues within his relationships. What qualities he looks for first. Does he look for the qualities in a woman that he wants people to see him for? Just based on my own experience, while you will see a very good looking women with a more plain man; the chances of you finding a good looking man with a more plain women seems less likely. Average men place a high emphasis on good looking women. Women are also told all time that men are “visual”. So… Read more »
@ Erin
But men still for the most part are the one’s asking people out so if a good looking man asked a plain looking woman out, that’s a hint and a half that he’s interested. I don’t really see much question there. Whether she thinks she could keep him long term is another question entirely, but why would that even come to mind before she accepts?
How many good looking men are asking plain women out to begin with? That answer to that question may contribute to the issue. I think a lot of things come to mind when you start to develop a new interaction with a new person. If a woman is serious about looking for a partner that will be good to her, if she has specific goals in mind for the kind of relationships she is looking for, she is going to consider certain factors early on. She’s going to be caution about a man’s intentions. Even with more plain guys, you… Read more »
I would say a lot more good looking men, ask out plain looking women than good looking women ask out plain looking men. Good looking women probably still have a wider range of men to choose from than good looking men although from what I’ve seen on online dating site statistics, the very very hottest women have a major falloff in the number of men interested. I would guess it’s the same in real life too, the “10’s” would have many men who wouldn’t even bother trying, assuming they have no chance. Most of the men I know aren’t after… Read more »
@ Archy
There night also be some if I get shot down by a hot woman, it wouldn’t be as bad as being shot down by a plain looking woman too.
Why is being shot down by a hot woman worse then being shot down by a plain woman?
Would you have the same feelings around being shot down by a really good, kind, nice woman?
My husband is what I would call “beautiful” and many of my friends agree – I am not beautiful, yet my husband is attracted to me for so many other reasons. I know plenty of “plain” people who become more physically attractive the better you get to know them.
@Erin There is one thing you haven’t considered when it comes to a good looking guy being interested in a plain woman. Maybe, some of these women are more interesting and talented than the good looking ones. They can even be more fun or sexually dynamic in the sack. There are plenty of attractive women who are hollow and cold. Off topic here, but I know a lot of women who complain that Hugh Jackman’s wife is not attractive looking. He is a big movie star who is extremely good looking, yet he is married to someone, that you wouldn’t… Read more »
Angelguy, I got to be honest here, I’m baffled by your response. What part of my comments indicates that I don’t think men should not pick women for other factors other then looks? *scratches head* My complaint is that men don’t do this as much as they should. There is a main focus on women’s looks above all else. Not women’s talents, hearts, emotional intelligence or other factors. The truth is that you simply don’t see really good looking men with plain women like you see plain men with good looking women. Hugh Jackman may be an exception but that… Read more »
@ Erin I’ve seen a lot of married / dating women who ware mot beauties. In fact, I’d dare say that most of them aren’t. Most of them are “average” looking women (aren’t most people average looking?). The reason why some women may like Hugh Jackman’s picj is that they view him as having other options. And when we talk about other traits / attributes, how many of the beautiful women have chosen the plain looking guy because he drives a BMW or owns a mansion? Funny how the assumption is a plain looking guy with a beautiful woman is… Read more »
I don’t deny that men have relationships with “average” women every day. How does that make what I’ve said any less true? I think that even though men still have relationships with “average” women, a significant portion of “average” men still download and seeking images of beautiful, young, made-up and photoshopped girls at ridiculous levels in our society. It’s annoying how many significantly older men have hit on me seriously. My brother, only a few years older than me, and a good looking man, does not get significantly older women hitting on him. No. When he was single, they wanted… Read more »
“But a least most average women don’t have websites dedicated to using men for money and throwing them away for the next new prospect like men have created around women. And at last most women don’t spend a portion of their time validating these images of men only to tell their average husbands that he’s “good enough” but she needs her fantasies cause she’s a woman. – I have to disagree with you there Erin. There is a whole industry of Harlequin Romance books that cater to women’s fantasies. The young girls also went wild over Fifty Shades of Grey,… Read more »
“On that note, I can honesty say I have never heard one woman “complain” that Hugh Jackman’s wife doesn’t look like a Barbie doll. ”
@Erin
The women who complain are the ones that want Hugh Jackman, for themselves.
Women themselves, are the harshest critics when it comes to looks.
There is so much competition and jealousy among young women it is not funny.
If the Barbie Doll look was so reviled, you wouldn’t have so many young girls playing with them.
And, it is not like Men push these dolls onto young girls, they like them.
Angelguy
@err At this point, I am trying not to stare at her, and she is already onto me. Buit, as attracted as I am to her, I am not in the mood to talk as it is morning. So I put on my own sunglasses and look slightly away. she stares at me for a moment, and then starts to close her eyes and fall asleep. Part of me was turned off, because I really didn’t want to wear my sunglasses and because I didn’t want her to believe I was desperate, and picking her up. Now, it is not… Read more »
@err So here I was, early morning, half tired, and running to catch my train. In front of me, was this attractive white woman, with golden blonde hair. She happens to be heading in the same direction as me. From the moment I saw her, I felt an instant attraction, but it is early morning, and it is taking all my energy to think straight. Anyways, when I get on the train, I manage to catch the last seat, and low and behold, I am sitting directly across from her. She notices me at this point and already has her… Read more »
:@Err “sadly enough the ones that get on the way of being on my league according to their egos, at getting my attention, end up being douchebags big time….confidence is a sex appeal that intrigues me, you are never getting what you think you are….same with looks. all is vanity in this life.” I think it depends on what you perceive as confidence and what is arrogance. There is a fine line between the two. In general, I think very attractive Women are harder to approach, because they always have their “Social lock” on. When you are oblivious and self… Read more »
I think if you are attractive as a Man it is different than if you are attractive as a Woman.
The scrutiny of your abilities is constantly in question by your peers.
They make you feel that your life is easier than theirs when it really isn’t true.
So, I was really impressed reading this article. The writer is very intelligent and articulate and it shows.
Now, I am not saying attractive Women don’t get scrutinized.
I just think, in general, society doesn’t have the same expectations for her, as they do their male counterpart.
Angelguy
While I’m not looking to mitigate your personal experiences, statistics show us that good looking people earn higher incomes, have more oppurtunties and are preceived in a more positive light then those who aren’t as genetically endowned.
I also think you will find that good looking women experience just as much prejudice as a good looking man will. So I have no idea why you think that good looking women don’t have expectations placed on them that good looking men do. I mean…really? Women overall our more judged for their looks then men are.
There was a time when I weight lifted / kick boxed that I was hot. I intimidated a few guys with my physique as well. I got hit on quite a lot by stranger women. My friends and I were so into our look that we had Mr. Body competitions with our female friends as the judges. They were into it at first then realized how conceited we were getting. That’s what brought me back. I was getting the attention of strangers and losing the people U cared about. I know it’s different because there was a point we I… Read more »
Here’s the thing. We women are taught that men are opportunists, and will often cheat if there is opportunity, especially if he is in an (even temporarily) unhappy relationship or if he is inclined to that sort of behavior. When you’re attractive, your opportunities are everywhere, and it makes it all the more difficult to do the right thing. I have avoided dating really attractive people for this reason. But I have also dated some attractive narcissists, and the cheated. My ex husband was dumpy, and he cheated, too. I’m pretty attractive myself, but I’ve come to the conclusion that… Read more »
I can relate, though when I look inthe mirror I squint and try to understand their point of view! I still look rough in the morning, especially after a night out lol! I struggled with my intelligence and I still doubt people’s true intentions. My children would be beautiful too, as are my niblings; if I could only find a man to trust me….I used to be really faithful, now I just doubt any hope of finding someone equally comfortable with their own appearance/intelligence. Thanks for this article! I will be doing another video on youtube about beauty soon, just… Read more »
I got bullied for being fat all through school, got asked out as a joke and used as an insult by women who would say to their friends that I was their bf…as if that was so bad. I am 30 now, had sex 3 times, have never been approached and rarely get interest from women for a conversation let alone a friendship and any romantic interest is extremely rare. Confidence is extremely hard to get as I don’t have enough real world examples of being attractive to women for me to actually feel attractive, and have plenty of examples… Read more »
I can relate so much to this….thank you for writing it and for the commenters as well. While many have complimented me on my looks, I’ve never seen it myself. Until only recently. And even then I feel shallow acknowledging them.
my case as well, just to put it in here….i have always been attractive, to the point of now ignoring all the people that look to me. I have become oblivious of any man that tries to get my attention by just looking or smiling. I have a body, specially my butt, that is always oversexualized, and getting a decent man that actually wants to find out about my brain and likes….will be certainly a case of running into a conference for the blind. I have seen it happen to friends too, attractive women, lonely and labeled as out of… Read more »
Can relate. In high school I tried to hang out with the people who had interesting conversations – I was rejected because they perceived me as too beautiful to really be interested in being their friends. Not just that, they thought I was only trying to be mean!
For every time someone is nice to me because I’m prettier than “normal” there’s someone being sadistic because they have a self-esteem issue and feel they have to cut me down to feel better about themselves.
This is beautifully ironic! I just posted something similar elsewhere. I can’t give myself that many compliments, lol. However, I can totally relate. Women usually give me a really mean look in passing. When I run at the park I receive that same ugly stare. I’ve even heard some utter “why” is she running”? So now I practice yoga instead. It’s a horrible feeling to feel guilty for being fit and healthy. Usually I can never tell if I’m being complimented or interrogated, is that your hair, are those your eyes, have you always been so skinny? There is so… Read more »
You are missing emotional intelligence then people will not look at you like a freak. If you know what you want you can actually get it without getting used for your “beauty”. Actually develop relationships and non of this will matter. I can speak from experiance, “lowering” yourself is just BS, you need to learn about relationships because they make the difference.