When Guys Panic About Being Single

“You can’t expect me to marry you,” said my ex five years ago. “I’m still young, and you know…I need to play the field.”

So, I feel like I need to start talking about something weird that happened when I got married. As many people know, I was pretty desperate to get married. I made a point of trying to show my wife skills and explained to guys why I’d be a great spouse.

None of them wanted that commitment. They still wanted to “play the field” until they were sure they wanted me. I was a backup, if even a backup. I’ve asked them what I lacked, but none of them had a real reason. That’s their right. You don’t need to have a reason to reject a person.

Long story short, I met a guy who proposed in a month and we’re married.

My husband is nine years younger than me. He married me the first time at 21 — the age I actually wanted to be married by. I was 30. Honestly, if I didn’t meet him, I was ready to wash my hands of dating altogether. In fact, I was banking on it.

So, what’s the issue? Well, it’s a pattern I noticed since I got married.

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When I had my wedding, a lot of my exes came to show their respects. This is to be expected since we all work in the same fields and have all the same friends. They’re basically family at this point and are good friends with my husband.

What struck me is that a handful of them weren’t taking it very well. One of my exes, Buddy*, seemed particularly distraught. Buddy is around 40 years old, and he was one of the closest to marrying me outside of my husband.

He confessed to me that he loved me, that he wanted to marry me, but that our business associates would never allow for it. He wanted me to move with him halfway across the country, but knew that I was working a prestigious job.

In most situations, I’d say Buddy was bullshitting me. However, I knew our business associates and I knew they’d make me a persona non grata among my peers if I had pursued him. Violent reactions were a possibility due to my other extremely jealous ex in the scene.

Sick of the situation that I was in, I told him that I’d do it. I was ready to move with him. Buddy wouldn’t let me quit my job in the city, convinced it was my big break. But that was years ago, and right now, he’s looking absolutely miserable in my marital home.

Neither me nor my husband wanted to see him in this state. I asked if he wanted to talk — you know, if it was me or if it was something else. Buddy sighed and said everything was “fine.”

It wasn’t.

Later, he confided in me via phone, “I think I missed the chance to actually get a wife. And I know I missed the train to have kids. Even if I found someone, I don’t have the energy to be a dad anymore.”

Shortly after he said that, I could hear him crying. He excused himself before I could say anything and hung up.

Buddy is far from the first guy to approach me or my husband with this worry.

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My husband has a friend who’s white, WASPy, and about four years younger than him. Yep, he’s a prep school fraternity boy who’s all about crisp popped collars and his car life. At 21, he’s got a blooming life ahead of him.

For this article, we’re going to call my husband’s friend Arturo. Honestly, Arturo is the type of guy who’s cute in his own way. If I was single, I’d probably make an awkward pass at him then run away because I fear fraternity bros.

Arturo, too, expressed worry that he wasn’t going to find someone to settle down with. Why? Well, he feels like he’s “missed the boat” to learn how to flirt with a girl.

Among our friends, our marriage kicked off a bunch of other proposals.

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Statistically, once one couple in a group of friends get married, everyone else will start to pop the question to others, too. So far, we counted at least eight couples who have gotten engaged and married since we tied the knot the first time around.

A lot of the guys who were “just playing the field” quickly realized that those girls were not going to be around in the next year or so. So, they put a ring on it. Our cliques are doing well as far as that’s concerned.

Most of the guys who are single by choice in our circle stayed that way, and are pretty supportive of everyone’s relationships. I like to think that’s a mark of a quality guy.

But, not all men tend to react to being one of the few singles in his clique well.

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A lot of men tend to think that they will always be able to play the field. Unfortunately, that’s not always true. After a certain point of being single, women start wondering why you haven’t proposed before.

Whether we want to admit it or not, both men and women have a harder time finding a partner as they age. And while there are always older people getting hitched, not everyone will find the spouse they yearn for.

Sometimes, Miss Right is just not there.

And trust me, not all men take this news well. Though they’ll tell women they’re perfectly fine, their actions reveal otherwise:

They will try to argue with women who say that they don’t need or want a man. At this point, they’re not interested in trying to find someone who wants them. They just want to debate women and instill the same fear they feel at being alone.
Many start to physically fall apart at the seams. Single men are statistically less healthy than married men. They also live shorter lives. Women who are single live longer, though.
Some become increasingly hateful and bitter towards women. They blame women for not wanting them. Sometimes, they show up in my comments section to tell me why women suck.
Being single is a suicide risk for men. Male suicides tend to spike on days like February 14th.

Obviously, women don’t owe men a relationship.

Photo by Andrey Zvyagintsev on Unsplash

So let’s not say that women owe men anything. And let’s not try to cajole women into dating someone they don’t want to be with. That’s creepy and rapey and fucked up.

However, this leaves guys with a couple of choices that can improve their situation. They can either embrace singledom, lower their standards on women, or actively work to improve themselves so that they can be the best damn spouse a woman could get.

Or, you know, you can blame feminism or women for the fact that you’re single. Because bitterness, resentment, and rage is totally a way to be attractive. /s

If you’re a guy, you might want to rethink the way you’re dating.

Photo by Mikel Parera on Unsplash

Men need to recognize that they’re not alone if they feel like they’ve missed out on dating. Women feel it too, but as a gender, they’ve been taught to cope with it and work on their own support networks.

Women are increasingly leery of dating men, and rightfully so. Let’s not mince words. Women have a lot more to lose in a relationship than most men do, and they’re well aware of it.

Too many men made it clear that they don’t want partners, but rather, want to use and exploit women until there’s nothing left. Too many men turned dating into a liability rather than a fun experience.

Men can no longer assume they’ll find someone to marry “when they’re ready.” If you genuinely want marriage, date someone you want to marry and make a point of having a timeline discussed.

Take a breath and relax. You’re not alone if you are upset about your single status. It may be time to regroup and rethink what you want out of life if you’re feeling very lonely.

Stop worrying about playing the field and start looking for compatibility. Start working on yourself so that you can be the Prince Charming to your Cinderella. Start searching seriously. The sooner you find your partner (if you want one), the better off you’ll be.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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