When He’s Not Investing in You, Avoid This Misake

Let’s discuss something that has happened to all of us at some point. You connect with someone — perhaps it was at a bar, perhaps it was on a dating app — and everything appears to be going well.

There’s a spark, a chemistry, and you’re hooked. But then things begin to change. The texts get less and less frequent. The effort tapers off. And the next thing you know, you’re left wondering: What did I do wrong?

Here’s the thing: it’s not always about you. Actually, it’s not really about you that often. But how you react in these situations? That’s where the magic — or disaster — occurs.

Some weeks back, a video explaining a text conversation between a woman and a man went viral. The reaction was massive. A comment that caught my attention was from one individual who stated, “Literally, I wish I had a book of texts to write handy. It would be great. This is so informative.

Well, at the conclusion of this article, I’ll give you a free resource that’s what you’re looking for — a set of tried-and-true scripts and texts that get results time and time again. But first, let’s get into what the real issue at hand is: what to do when he’s not investing in you.

Another commentator added this: “There’s only one reason a guy pulls away, and it’s because he has his eye on someone he likes more. But he’ll come back/settle if his first choice turns him down.”

Is that so? Of course, it is possible. Perhaps he’s met someone he prefers. Perhaps he just doesn’t quite like you as much at this time. And before you pull back from that remark, let me explain: I am not referring to some guy you’ve been out with 10 times or someone you’ve been dating for three months. I’m referring to the guy you just met last week. The one who is flaky and low-effort in the beginning.

Here’s the thing: I used to take this kind of behavior personally. I get upset and frustrated and even angry. But one thing I learned over time is to keep my perspective alive: instead of blaming them, I was like, What did I expect?

Consider it. This individual doesn’t know you. They don’t know your lifestyle, your values, or how much you have to give. How interested a person is in you today is merely an indication of how they feel today. It’s not an indication of how interested they might be three or six months down the road.

Now, let me be explicit: this is not an excuse to try harder or pursue somebody who’s not showing up. This is about letting the pressure valve out. It’s about realizing that a person’s lack of effort in the beginning doesn’t determine your value.

Other people would say, “If he’s flakes now, he’s going to be flaky forever.” I don’t think so. If someone is actually making an effort to be rude, inconsiderate, or sarcastic, those are traits that tend to last. But not putting in a serious effort in the beginning? That’s not a trait. That’s just low investment.

Consider this: we’ve all had individuals within our lives that we did not try terribly hard with — not because they weren’t amazing, but simply because they were not a significant part of our lives at that point. They were still on the outside looking in, and we did not know them intimately enough to feel deeply.

Does it suck to feel like someone isn’t as interested in you as you’d like? Absolutely. But here’s the kicker: judging them for it doesn’t do you any favors. Just because someone isn’t interested in you doesn’t make them a bad person. It just makes them someone who isn’t interested in you. And that’s okay.

This is where it gets good. The most leverage you have when someone isn’t investing in you isn’t to try harder. It’s to have character. It’s keeping your energy and your dignity intact, even when the other guy’s not showing up as you’d hope.

Let’s discuss a comment from a person who mentioned, “I would have responded, ‘Cool story, bro. Have a good life.’ I think my response is superior.

Here’s the thing: both answers — hers and the other one — are low-investment. But there’s a slight difference. Her answer? It’s passive-aggressive. It’s angry. It displays that the person has control over her feelings. And that’s the error so many of us commit.

When someone isn’t investing in you, the worst thing you can do is let them see that it’s affecting you. Anger, frustration, and passive-aggressiveness? Those emotions make you less attractive. They give the other person the upper hand.

Instead, the secret is to remain low-investment and high-energy. Optioners — individuals who are winning at life — don’t get upset when someone isn’t responding to texts. They don’t waste their time waiting. They keep going. They meet new people, go out with buddies, and live their lives.

And when that person does come back? They’re not angry. They might have mentally moved that person into a different category — someone who’s low-investment and not worth much effort — but they don’t let it show. Instead, they respond with grace. Something like, “All good. Hope you’re having a great time doing what you’re doing.”

Why? Because letting someone work their way back isn’t the same as being angry. Anger makes you less desirable. Low investment, however, is okay — as long as it’s accompanied by great energy.

Here’s the bottom line: when someone isn’t investing in you, the error so many of us make is confusing low investment with low energy. We believe that if we’re not chasing or working harder, we’re quitting. But that’s not true. You can be low-investment and still exude confidence, self-assurance, and positivity.

And that’s the combination that gets results.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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