Joe Biden’s letter to the rape victim who is not named is a milestone on the road to justice.
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Today I promise you there are thousands of women lost in a story that begins “When I was raped …”
Some of us relive the story in silence, some of us howl, in fury, in fear, in the knowing that the nightmare isn’t over. Some cry aloud, some swallow the sound, and some spill their anguish onto the page and the screen.
Listen for a moment to that chorus. Thousands of women. A chorus of voices, “When I was raped …”
Not because that would excuse the men who had been taught that rape was nothing but “20 minutes of action” but because maybe it would keep those men from noticing her.
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Listen too, to the men who have loved those women. Who have reached out to touch a shoulder or snuggle close in the middle of the night and then had to remind themselves one more time out of times beyond counting, that she isn’t flinching away from them, but from the memory of being touched.
And to the men who raised these women, who feared this very thing as they watched their daughters bloom from the little kid into a woman-child and had to admit that the time would come when they would not be able to protect her. So they told her to never walk down the street alone, to never drink too much or laugh too loud, or show too much skin. Not because that would excuse the men who had been taught that rape was nothing but “20 minutes of action” but because maybe it would keep those men from noticing her. Men who may never know that their worst fears have come true because their daughters, having heard over and over that walking alone, drinking too much, laughing too loud, and showing too much skin attracts men who commit rape are afraid that they were, actually, “asking for it” and will swallow their story in shame and fear rather than calling it what it is—an inexcusable crime.
And let us not ignore the men who are also reliving a story that begins “When I was raped …” Most of them never have, and never will, tell that story to anyone except themselves. Because if they were raped by a man they are afraid they will be thought weak, and if they were raped by a woman they are afraid that there is something wrong with them that they did not want it or enjoy it. They stand silent in the wings, but are no less a part of the chorus.
Into this chorus comes a letter from Vice President Joe Biden to the “Stanford sexual assault survivor.” Sent to BuzzFeed News yesterday, the open letter begins:
I do not know your name — but your words are forever seared on my soul.
He goes on to say that these words, read in court by the survivor to the convicted rapist who had just been sentenced to only 6 months in jail as opposed to the maximum possible sentence of 14 years in prison, should be required reading for men and women of all ages.
And indeed they should. Perhaps not for the reasons that Joe Biden intended.
A sexual act performed on an unconsenting person is rape, it is a crime, it is never “20 minutes of action” and it is never justified. There is no excuse, there are no mitigating circumstances.
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Joe Biden speaks of a “global chorus of supporters” but there is another chorus that needs to be heard, so long as there is one voice telling a story that begins with, “When I was raped …”
Because, while there are still a horrifying number of people who would rather blame the victim than admit that they, or anyone they know, could easily become one of the voices in chorus of “When I was raped …” many of us need to read this victim’s statement to remember that we did not ask for it, we did not deserve it, we were, in fact, the victim of a crime.
The rapist’s father has referred to this crime as “20 minutes of action.” But this wasn’t “20 minutes of action,” it was a crime.
You see, if a person, regardless of gender, is in any way incapacitated and someone, regardless of gender, takes their wallet, their purse, their cell phone, their watch, we call it what it is—robbery, a crime.
If a person, regardless of gender, is in any way incapacitated and someone, regardless of gender, beats them up, leaves them with bruises, cuts, or broken bones, we call it what it is—assault, a crime.
If a person, regardless of gender, is in any way incapacitated and someone, regardless of gender, kills them, leaving them lifeless without breath or heartbeat, we call it what it is—murder, a crime.
So why then, if a person, regardless of gender, is in any way incapacitated and someone, regardless of gender, performs a sexual act on them do we call it anything but what it is—rape, a crime?
If you have a story that begins with “When I was raped …” remember this; it doesn’t matter whether you were drunk, underage, drugged, asleep, threatened into silence, or guilted into agreement. It doesn’t matter if the rapist is a stranger or your spouse, whether you’ve had sex with them before or have never exchanged a hello. It doesn’t matter whether you were fully clothed or completely naked. A sexual act performed on an unconsenting person is rape, it is a crime, it is never “20 minutes of action” and it is never justified. There is no excuse, there are no mitigating circumstances.
Joe Biden’s letter went on to say:
I do not know your name — but I know that a lot of people failed you that terrible January night and in the months that followed.
We, as a society have failed not only this woman whose name we do not know, we have failed everyone with a story that begins, “When I was raped …” As much as anyone else, we have failed ourselves. But more and more of us are becoming determined not to fail any longer. From the White House to the Frat House to the houses on any block in any town, more and more of us are condemning the crime that is rape. We are condemning those who rape and those, like this rapist’s father and supporters, who condone it.
I join with you in this chorus that says, “When I was raped it was a crime, it was not my fault, and I am not worth less for having been a victim.
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And those who condone it are part of the failure we as a society have to answer for. I remember, and many of you do too, when those voices would have been in the majority, when most people would have, with varying degrees of sympathy and disgust, agreed that she “got what she had coming to her.”
Those voices don’t only fail the victims, they fail the rapists as well—they breed and foster the idea that sex with a woman is only “20 minutes of action,” and that a person can act in such a way as to deserve to be the victim of a crime. We don’t have to hate the rapist, or his father, hate only breeds more hate. But we do have to change the culture that bred them. The survivor’s statement to her rapist, and Joe Biden’s response to her, have the potential to become milestones on the road to that cultural change.
The Vice President of the United States has made a powerful prediction, and set an irreversible precedent when he wrote these words:
You will never be defined by what the defendant’s father callously termed “20 minutes of action.”
His son will be.
I join your global chorus of supporters, because we can never say enough to survivors: I believe you. It is not your fault.
What you endured is never, never, never, NEVER a woman’s fault.
And while the justice system has spoken in your particular case, the nation is not satisfied.
No, the nation is not satisfied. The chorus survivors and supporters are not satisfied. But we are, at last, being heard. Indeed, this brave, determined woman may not be named, but her voice has the power to change the story for all of us. In the statement she read to her rapist in court she said:
You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, until today.
We know that feeling, all of us who have a story that begins, “When I was raped …” Except for “until today.” And that is what these words, seared on all of our souls, have the power to change. We can all have that day when our voices are heard, when we are no longer howling, or silent, but are strong, clear, articulate, and heard.
Joe Biden said to her:
I do not know your name — but I see your unconquerable spirit.
And today I say this to all of you, to everyone who, like me, has at least one story that begins with “When I was raped …”
I do not know your names. But I see your unconquerable spirit. And I join with you in this chorus that says, “When I was raped it was a crime, it was not my fault, and I am not worth less for having been a victim. In fact, I am worth more because I have survived.”
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Photo: Getty Images
I shouldnt have to be in court ordered DV class for slapping a man who assaulted and threatened me just because we had the same landlord for 1.5 mo. Those types of protections should be for women against men they even sicked a k9 on me 70 punctures and 4 multiple long tears needed stitches on left leg this shouldnt happen in my own rented space never hit or abused a woman or even man for that matter now because Im a 6 foot 7 280 lbs half korean half caucasian male and thats actually the first time I had… Read more »
Thank you, Ms. Gillaspie for the links regarding male rape. I might add that we still have problems with the police and district attorneys taking rape seriously even when it committed by their own people.
Here are some articles about police officers committing rape:
http://www.newsweek.com/police-sexual-assault-rape-justice-258130
http://bigstory.ap.org/article/fd1d4d05e561462a85abe50e7eaed4ec/ap-hundreds-officers-lose-licenses-over-sex-misconduct
http://www.truth-out.org/news/item/24677-police-departments-ignore-rampant-sexual-assault-by-officers
http://californiapolicebrutalitylawyers.com/1/category/sexual%20assault/1.html
Here is an article about the backlog of rape kits: https://valerietarico.com/2016/05/15/400000-rape-kits-and-one-determined-woman-an-interview-with-julie-smolyansky-of-the-hunting-ground/
I just hope they test all the rape kits. We know from the Innocence Project and the Urban Institute study that just because a person is convicted that doesn’t mean he’s guilty.
“When sexual assault convictions were isolated, DNA testing eliminated between 8 and 15 percent of convicted offenders and supported exoneration. Past estimates generally put the rate of wrongful conviction at or less than three percent.”
http://www.urban.org/research/publication/post-conviction-dna-testing-and-wrongful-conviction
My concern is that police and prosecutors never want to admit they made a mistake and convicting the wrong person isn’t providing justice to the victim.
Truly heroic piece Dixie. Must reading for all victims, survivors and our youth. We need to keep teaching and reinforcing your message. Peace, CF
Chris your comment here and the note you sent go straight to my heart. I truly believe we CAN change this story – for everyone. But we have to keep telling it.
I wonder how many women remain silent because me don’t know how to grieve. Men react violently when they feel shame that they weren’t able to protect the ones they love. I’ve heard from a few women that this is the reason they sometimes don’t tell. They’ve already lost a lot. They don’t want to lose you to the criminal justice system as well. U wonder if it stops women from contacting the police or seeking services. Child victims often don’t tell because the perpetrator threatens someone they love or they’re threatened with the loss of love. People stay in… Read more »
“I wonder how many women remain silent because men don’t know how to grieve. Men react violently when they feel shame that they weren’t able to protect the ones they love. I’ve heard from a few women that this is the reason they sometimes don’t tell. They’ve already lost a lot. They don’t want to lose you to the criminal justice system as well”
Very astute, John. Very true.
I would be interested to know where the outrage is over the women who sexually assault men and boys, and then routinely get away with it even after being convicted. The CDC puts the yearly rate of male sexual assault by women at roughly the same as the reverse, yet I never hear a peep about that here. There have been about 6 articles here about this one case.
I’d like to know that also, but its not something that I’ll be asking here as this is a personal story of pain and suffering, not a political agenda. That sort of violation and pain runs deep, and it runs forever, and these types of stories churn it all up again, bring one to live it all again, cause all the symptoms to once again come to the surface. i understand that type of pain, fear, loss of control so I’ll not interject the political where the personal lies bleeding. I’ll just say that I’m sorry, Dixie, that your pain… Read more »
I don’t mind the political – because the point is that I am not alone in the personal. And it isn’t only women who share my story. I am completely, painfully aware of that truth. Thank you for recognizing my personal story, but it is not my story that matters. It is the STORIES, and our power to change how they are told and how they end. This case gives us the opportunity to redefine “rape” in such a way that ALL can seek, and expect, justice from their peers and from a judge.
I write a lot in my blog about being raped and healing from the PTSD I was left with, and I also agree there is a serious lack of support for survivors – of either gender. It is appalling, to me, that we are so uncomfortable discussing this topic that we would allow this violence to continue with our silence and inaction. I think that’s part of why I actively bring up the topic on my blog and why I have such a strong desire to voice my own narrative. I know, unfortunately, I am not alone. This is a… Read more »
Society views it as a much greater crime if a woman is assaulted by a man than the reverse.
I think with this case, it is just extreme shock at the light sentence when he should have gotten 10+ years for it. But then there are also cases where women do not goto jail at all for harming a man and don’t seem to get much attention.
Archy – I do believe the points you make are all layers of a single problem. We are conditioned to believe (I’m going to oversimplify like crazy or I’ll end up writing another article) that men want their “20 minutes of action” regardless of circumstances and that an unconscious woman is fair game to provide it. Therefore a man cannot be raped – since he is programmed to “want it” and a woman has no right to complain if she puts herself in a position where a man can take it because, again, that’s how he’s programmed. And it’s complete… Read more »
I agree, it’s sad that we have such a divide between the genders. I think there would be more sympathy for women from men if there was also more sympathy + attention from everyone to male victims in cases of rape. It reminds me of discussions of victim blaming as if women receive the worst of it, yet so many fail to realize that male victims are by default assumed to not be victims which is worse than victim blaming, it’s victim erasure. It’s good to see yourself and this site acknowledge male victims. I do speak out with friends,… Read more »
I think the genders are expected to be selfless in different ways – and many see only what is asked of them or their gender. When my father was dying of bone cancer it was assumed as the female child that I would be his caregiver. No one would have considered asking my brother to do it. I spent months of sleepless nights caring for a man who could not lift so much as a pen to write with. It was expected. I was the girl. My older sister took some flak I learned later for not being by his… Read more »
I’d add that this article doesn’t ignore male victims. This article actually mentions female perpetrators. It notes that Brock Turner got an extremely lenient sentence. He did. It doesn’t suggest that his sentence was nothing more than a travesty of justice. It doesn’t credit his gender or race or wreath for the sentence. It doesn’t indirectly legitimize the lenient sentences women, racial minorities, and poor people have gotten when they have raped.
Save your anger for were it is deserved.
Thank you John, for all your points. I wanted to say to everyone – regardless or any of those circumstances, that any sexual act performed without the consent of both parties is rape. And it is a crime. My intention is to be clear that gender is irrelevant – and the victim is never at fault.
Perhaps these will be of interest: https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/andrew-smiler-why-are-we-indifferent-to-male-rape-victims/ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/brand-male-rape-survivors-people-talking-points/ https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/from-hurt-to-healing-male-survivors-of-sexual-abuse-dg/ There are many, many more. These were three I remembered distinctly. And two that tell the stories of male survivors although their rapists were men. https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/profile-of-a-rape-victim-its-not-what-you-expect-dg/ https://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/the-dirty-little-secret-behind-statistics-about-men-dg/ I do not believe that rape is a gender issue, it is a cultural issue that is based in how we SEE gender and sex. As an Executive Editor here I am horribly aware at how FEW stories are available to us (remember that we are a participatory media company, we do not assign stories or write about the news per se, we edit,… Read more »