When Money Tears Couples Apart

Did you know that 75% of couples have had a serious argument over money? Financial difficulties, management problems, lack of a shared vision: whatever the source of the problem, money is certainly a source of conflict and must be addressed seriously within the couple.

So, to prevent money from tearing your relationship apart (as well), here are some thoughts to read carefully and then put into practice.
Money is a source of dispute for 75% of couples

Money in a relationship: individualism vs. team

Although things have changed over the past few years, this does not prevent old mentalities from existing when it comes to money within couples, and this vision is very simple: it is a power struggle.

The idea would be to say that the person bringing home the most money is in the best position to make decisions and manage that money. However, this observation has no real-life implications. Here’s an explanation.

Money is a particularly taboo and personal thing. Everyone has a different relationship with it: a gauge of performance for some, a basis for social status for others; it’s something eminently individual, defining us through the eyes of others.

So when money comes into the relationship, and it always does, it’s no wonder friction arises.

After several years of managing your budget alone, you find yourself forced to work as a team to pay rent or make investments. This isn’t always easy, especially when people’s visions and relationships with money diverge.

For those who see money as a power struggle, this will be felt within the couple.

You have probably already heard, whether in your close circle or not, couples comparing themselves by explaining that “one works and the other stays at home”, and that the one who works therefore has more legitimacy to spend money or choose investments.

This is why it is essential to talk about money within the couple and not to make it, by default, the expression of an individualism that we try as best we can to repress.

Identify the real causes of the argument over finances
Certain situations can make relationships within a couple tense, for example unemployment or staying at home.

In the first case, the loss of work may result from an economic layoff and therefore from something that was not chosen . On the other hand, in the case of voluntary unemployment or working from home, it is more delicate to talk about money, because the person concerned does not “bring anything back” to the joint account.

Because the first thing to understand is that money is the sinews of war . Not being able to pay the rent within a couple can create arguments aimed at determining the level of guilt of each party.

Finances are often a good excuse to blame yourself for a situation or lifestyle, whether temporal or not.

A typical argument is when one partner is working and the other is looking for a job. If the other partner seems to be under-efforting or can’t find a job within a reasonable timeframe, their partner will fall into a pattern of complacency, leaving their partner to settle for the situation.

The power struggle here is blatant: one works, the other doesn’t; one benefits, the other doesn’t. Yet these are questions of perception, which can easily be resolved through open and frank dialogue.

To be clearer, love can be calculated.

When you love, you count!
Once you have passed the stage of transitory and blind love, where you could give your entire bank account to your loved one, comes the time of reality, where the bank account being emptied is not something desirable, especially if, in front of you, there is no will to do as much.

This is why money is one of the biggest love-killers there is: if it’s not calculated on your part, it can become a source of frustration. Money is hard earned, so it’s hard to imagine someone enjoying it for you without putting in as much effort.

Therefore, talking about money and your feelings is essential to keep your relationship together. Better yet, it can be calculated.

To do this, small gestures can quickly become important: do you open a joint account into which you put money equally for household operations? Do you share expenses based on your income? Who can act as guarantor depending on their personal situation ?

Take all these elements into account and ask yourself the right questions to ensure that money is not a source of dispute.

Finding the right solution, together
Besides account issues, personality issues also need to be addressed .

The fact is, some people are bigger spenders than others, and depending on the level of spending, this can create frustration in the partner.

Again, it is important to find compromises to make the couple work.

If one partner is particularly spendthrift and the other is not, you could, for example, set up a system to pay equally for everyday items, outings, and leisure activities. This system will prevent one partner from feeling inferior, either in terms of income or profit.

In the event of a divorce, money becomes a thorny issue. What is whose? Who is responsible for paying for what? Here again, dialogue, even if facilitated by a third party, is essential.

If money is a source of personal freedom , it often becomes a hindrance on a couple level, since it revives repressed tensions or complexes.

To prevent your relationship from tearing itself apart over money issues, there is only one solution: constant dialogue .

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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