“Find what you love and let it kill you.” Charles Bukowski
Nurturing an obsession behind the idea of love was overwhelming. I swallowed this poison for an era.
…
University days were getting more charming as I learnt to keep my head high despite all the failures. I had a Crush on Mr. Libra since last year. Being shy I never talked to him. I joined the ward class where he was enrolled in. It was 2nd week of January. To my insanity, his friend Mr. Pisces got a crush on me. Contrarily One of my female friends settled with my crush.
QUIET ME! Got crushed inside.
After a few months my friend broke up with my crush (Though I was happy for her but things couldn’t go well between them) and Mr. Pisces got another chick to continue. It was September 2021 when lockdown was over. My academic year was over too. I had to change my ward class. Inner me was exhausted and desperate. A mild crush feeling has been turned into an unspoken obsession. It was not time to approach him daringly. One day smashed by the pain, I created a fake account on Instagram to end up this desperation.
“Hey, boy!” and a one-sided fascination of Love and Possession starts here:
A tale of exaggerated hormones when they play the risk game around the table in an abstract round table conference. Conference is being monitored. Dear risk taker! You are being stalked out.
But who cares.
“Yes, boy!” reply popped up after half an hour.
At the point where he considered me a boy, I fabricated a fantastic imagination, though it did never happen in reality. Chit chat reached unalloyed possession, A ONE SIDED ONE.
“I’m your reflection, residing inside you, which you put at stake every time around the mountains of how and when. I wouldn’t leave you alone in your life of fuss and craze.”
“what?”
“Don’t remember when you consoled me for that toy at cash and carry shop 16 years ago, which my Mom didn’t buy for me?”
“You are mistaking me for someone else”
A SLAP in form of ‘BLOCK’
He was superficial as well as a practical person. The tale did continue.
Another account — Another obstinacy:
“It’s impossible to block your reflection, my idiot handsome!”
— Another block.
I was blocked by my crush again and again. This deemed notorious to my self-respect but who cares.
I was telling myself “he doesn’t know it’s you”. The thing is “he blocked me”. It hurts but the bruise has nothing to do with the real me. I was pretending to be ‘Miss Anonymous’ from a parallel universe. It could be funny if my emotions didn’t get involved here. Could I ever talk to him, if my Emotions were not there? I am not a chit chat player. Being tough in liking people, It happened rarely. When it happened, the person whom I’m attracted to, becomes an obsession. A palmist once told me by seeing at my hand: “stay away from boys until you graduate.” It was absolute because I was prone to obsession.
‘It isn’t his bad boy repute that should be talked about. He is a cheater too, a manipulator who doesn’t respect women.’ This compliment on my ‘Obsession’ from a close friend couldn’t refrain me from being stupid. Another confession to be added in the story: ‘I had a notorious academic repute.’ Well! Boys don’t care about academics.
Suddenly, inner me got quiet. “Leave it. It’s not going to go anywhere.” A quick Depression did follow and flew away in 3 days.
After 2 weeks the music got it’s lost lyrics again. This time Audience was in good mood. Artist was a little bit authentic too.
“What if I’m a boy, yours entertainment would have to perish then.”
“you are a girl, no boy is this much secured to talk to me.”
“do you think a girl might have time to talk to you?”
“Yes, of course”
“Dear notorious handsome! you have nothing except fantasies, stay poor, Stay mine.”
A platonic kind of possession, not to be enlisted inside a realm of maturity because identity was delusive. The very next day I gave him the gestures as if I was close to him at University when I was sitting inside my room enjoying the holiday.
“Enjoy smoking, Mr. Crush!”
“Okay”
“With a smoker next to you”
“Okay”
“Purchase some special plastic lungs. one pair for you, one for the smoker beside you”
“Okay”
This gave him a false idea of someone else wandering around him. I was disappearing from the scene, I created to approach him artistically. The situation where he and I could be there inside the moment all alone, I got it intermingled with the doubts, all about the girls he had in his previous life.
He kept responding to me without caring for a moment, ‘who I am?’ A platonic romance started there. I was an excellent responder and he used to enjoy it.
I was quite a rational person. This incident was an impulsive projection from the inner me. I was acting like a kid to him. At the same time my words were creating a curiosity inside him.
He spoke up, “who are you. Tell me then we’ll talk.” Inner me was saying: “hid behind the lid”.
Another identity that shared existence with me, was vulnerable now. It was cheap from a social perspective. In reality it was the inner me, reluctant of being the real me.
It couldn’t proceed in this way. Straightforwardly he said, “tell me who you are? otherwise I wouldn’t talk.” ‘Hid behind the lid’ was so screaming. I couldn’t hold it this time.
“You had to”, My Inner demon stood up straight.
Crushed by fear of vulnerability, I didn’t agree. I acted as if I’m so smart to carry out this whole conversation. Playing with words, crafting stories from behind the curtain could be this much risky but who cares.
Well! my stubbornness made him angry. He started a conflict. He yelled at me for not being authentic, for being a liar, for hiding my true identity, for texting him again and again without replying to his only question. He started asking me whether if I’m x, y, or z? I was in anger and quick grief at the same time. Now He was next to abuse me. Light had gone due to some electricity issues in the town. My phone was off Due to a dead battery. Dead was inside me, SOMEONE! crying for not being authentic. I tried to sleep but couldn’t.
A one-sided Limerence could do this harm to you.
The next two days, we had a break for mobile signals. It happens here when a political personality visits the town. Security is the purpose. Ahh! My stupidity was demanding a sense of security from my crush without coming in front of him. It was childish but I couldn’t stop it.
After 3 days, he blocked me again.
“I have to move on.” Inner me was exhausted from this whole commotion inside my soul.
After 1 week, a message popped up on the mobile screen. It was him.
“Hey”
A small talk after which he asked to reveal true identity. I was reluctant again. He started abusing me verbally. It was okay. Culprit was ‘dear me’ for arousing a curiosity inside him. I didn’t mind but couldn’t talk any further. Anger, which quickly turned into a kind of verbal abuse, was insulting. This humiliation had to put a full stop on the emotions of ‘Immature Me’
That’s how 2021 let my imagination hallucinate the symphony of love. It was a year subjected to virtual existence of every reality. 2022 has different challenges as I can see all my suspended tasks buried in my procrastination.
Well! It’s been three months now since that last text. The tale is still there either to be culminated or to be terminated. Let 2022 decide it’s decree of fate.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
