When Parents Neglect a Child’s Need for Connection and Intimacy

I know, undeniably, that there will always be challenges in life; that’s a given.

Though, I, I’m certain as many others, possess people in my life that are the most challenging when it comes to loving them, where the challenge almost feels as a battle.

For years, I’ve tried, what felt as if my absolute hardest, to build a stronger and easeful relationship with my parents. In turn, I grew weary and resentful seeing that the attempt was always merely one-sided.

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Recently, I’ve come across a greatly helpful book, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, that has impacted my mindset and life in a way I never thought possible.

An emotionally immature parent is one who neglects a child’s need for connection and intimacy, causing a domino effect of poor self-esteem, and oftentimes depression.

Within the first handful of pages of understanding, I grew angry — I was beginning to see how my parents’ competence to veering intimacy impacted me throughout various stages in my life up to current day.

All in all, I know that I am the only person accountable for each and every decision I’ve made in my life, though, I’d be lying if I said the thought of making healthier decisions would have come easier if I was given the necessary connection throughout early stages in my life didn’t cross my mind.

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My anger towards my parents dissolved when I truly understood emotionally immature adults beyond surface level, when I was able to clearly see all for what it truly was…

Anger is never just — fear, hurt, or bewilderment is always close behind.

Allowing my anger to be set free, I was able to see myself, authentically, as a hurt child longing for a secure connection with my parents, and I was able to see my parents, not as the ones who’ve neglected me of an important life aspect, but as people…who are also hurting themselves.

You can’t give what you don’t already hold within for yourself. — Unknown

As many others, my parents have also had their fair share of dealing with life’s hardships that’ve made a profound impact on them, shaping who they are today.

As much as I desired anger, in which I had someone to blame for my pain, I couldn’t. How could I blame someone who wasn’t entirely there for me who has never been there for themselves?

My heart softened.

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When I finished this book, what hurt most was realizing that I would never have a connection with my parents that was more than just face value unless they were opened to their incompetence to intimacy, which seemed unlikely.

In a way, though, this was freedom — I still had the choice to accept them as they were and was able to respond to and interact with them openly, without expecting any change nor specific reaction.

I was able to let go of what I wanted from someone and for someone to be, which helped me appreciate everything else they have given/done for me.

I let go of negative thoughts towards them to be more open-hearted towards their positives.

Paradoxically, this alone has brought me closer to my parents; helping me find patience and ease when spending time with them without losing myself. Unconditional love for them, flaws and all, has come easier than it ever has.

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Since childhood, my need for connection remained unfulfilled.

It was only when I completely understood this that I was revealed to a greater form with ease: a deeper understanding of the self.

Followed was a more stable love for those most challenging in my life and an end to a prolonged sequence of emotional immaturity.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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