Because I’ve been transparent with my son, he’s eager to share the moments of his life with me.
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As a parent, my motto has always been honesty always and in all ways. This evening, my 20-year-old son stopped by after work to help me out with some “technology” issues I was having since having cable reinstalled at my house. I hate to admit I could no longer figure out how to work Netflix and AppleTV on my SmartTV now that cable is back on board—there are just too many remotes and inputs. I’ll just say I wasn’t feeling so “smart,” after all.
I keep things I need close by. My remotes in my bedside drawer, for instance. My son instinctively grabbed the remote out of my drawer, wiped it on his pants, made a funny face and said “I don’t even feel comfortable touching that remote.” I couldn’t help but to laugh. He of course was making fun of the sex toys he’d encountered while fishing for the appropriate remotes.
There was a time when I kept my sex life—and in particular—my sex toys, a secret. Actually, for most of my son’s life, my sex life didn’t exist. That’s what being single and on a cocktail of psych meds will do to you. When I was lucky enough to “get lucky,” it was always when my son was away at his dad’s house or staying with a friend, so my son was oblivious to the fact that mama was ever “in the game.”
In 2014, when my son went away for college, and I pursued my Brilliant Transformation of becoming well, overcoming depression, changing careers and pursuing my passions (in more ways than one). He wasn’t exactly prepared for the new, vibrant mama he came home to.
Although, I’m pretty sure it was a welcome change from the mama who’d spent all of her time in bed because she was depressed.
While talking to a friend about what had happened with the remote and my son’s reaction, I mentioned he didn’t see anything in my drawer he hadn’t seen before because I don’t hide things anymore. Her response was brilliant. She said, “Transparency brings freedom.” I couldn’t agree more.
I’ve been having open-hearted conversations with my son since before he could talk himself. At a year and half, I’d sit down and explain things to him instead of just saying, “No!” My parents used to get so irritated with me and say, “He doesn’t understand you. Why are you talking to him like that?” I knew he understood more than we gave him credit for—even today, that’s likely still true. I never wanted to talk “above” him or “over” him or “at” him. I wanted to talk “with” him.
You know what? Because of these efforts, he wants to talk with me. Because I’ve talked with him since he was a tot—and I’ve always given him honest answers (even when the honest truth is uncomfortable), I’m one of—if not the first person—he comes to when has questions, needs an opinion, has good news, wants to share something, or just plain wants to shoot the shit.
One of the most important things to my son growing up was making sure his point of view was heard. While some might see that as him being argumentative, that’s a big part of talking with someone versus talking above, over, or at someone. When you talk with someone, both parties have a chance to talk and be heard and both parties have the opportunity to listen and hear. While the conversations are taking place though, if the words exchanged are not transparent, I think the value in the conversation is minimized—Transparency brings freedom.
Dishonesty and a lack of communication is a prison where children have no idea what is expected of them, how to behave, what the rules are, and what the consequences are if they don’t toe the line. Often, children are left feeling unloved because no one bothered to talk to them about what’s going on in their world and how they fit in it.
I realize some may think my communication style may seem a bit extreme. I’m okay with that. I’d much rather my son tell me about his sexual escapades and ask me questions about proper birth control methods than have to talk with the parent of girl who is pregnant because I didn’t have an appropriate, transparent conversation with my son.
Choose the comfort level that works best for you. In my experience, transparency has fostered stronger connection, laughs and heart-centered growth in our home.
Photo credit: Getty Images
We need to have a comprehensive education program like they have in Europe when it comes to talking about sex. Let’s face it, too many Americans parents are not trained or equipped to talk about it to their kids since they never taught about it by their own parents who in turn were never taught about it from their own parents and American schools have never been equipped to talk about sex.
G — I wholeheartedly agree. I was just having a frank discussion with some women about this issue. Many parents from older generations never had “The Talk” with their kids and as those kids grew up, they didn’t have a comfort level to talk with their own children. There seems to be so much shame still around sex (even just the talk of sex). It’s completely unnecessary in my book. Sex is a beautiful thing that’s not shameful at all. When we can talk about it honestly and openly, it’s not scary and kids are more likely to ask questions… Read more »
I think that its good that you kept your sexuality secret while he was a boy. Too early and there can be consequences, confusion with a boy seeing his mother as a sexual being before he’s ready to handle it. That according to one of the experts here. Now? He’s man, and for my money, being open and honest about it will only help him to better understand women and their sexuality. Teaching our kids about the real world from the get-go is, to me, imperative. I’ve always been the way I am on theses boards, forever questioning. Dad was… Read more »
You bring up some excellent points, DJ. I think moms can fall into the trap of letting their son become the “man of the house.” Also, it’s important to let our kids be kids and not burden them with adult problems and situations. My son’s father and I separated when my son was two and his father was actively involved in his life until sixth grade when he moved out of state. Visitation was liberal with weekly overnight stays and every other weekend visits. His out of state move was tough. They still keep in touch, but only seeing each… Read more »
The thing that I like about you, Melissa, is that you’ve not attempted, at all, to rewire your son, but allowed him to be who he is, to embrace being male, but just guiding as is needed.
That is the lesson I take away from your writing. That is why I respond. That is what a great many people need to learn.
That is high praise DJ. I appreciate it. Thanks much.
The employer-employee in the workplace should also be about relationship as well. The bosses these days have too much power aided and abetted by the politicians that they have bought off. In Germany, workers can sit on the boards of directors. Not so in America.
Excellent observation, G. I agree 100%. I like the idea of leaders/collaborators instead of bosses/controllers as well. It’s a very similar correlation to parents as controlling instead of being in a relationship with their children.
Great article. Too bad more parents don’t do what you do but many of them got their poor communication habits from society (the parent is right, you need to respect your parents, I’m your father or your mother) plus also these parents got their poor communications skills from their parents who in turn got it from their grandparents, etc., etc. Another problem is many parents fear if they let their kids speak their minds or treat their kids as equals, they will lose their moral authority over the kids or they don’t want to give up the mental control they… Read more »
Thank you G. Parenting to me is not at all about control. It’s a relationship. I never believed in the old adage that “children should be seen and not heard.” Children are people too. They have feelings just like us. I believe they deserve respect just as much as we want them to respect us. Whenever I asked “why?” as a child, the response I was nearly always given was, “Because I’m the mother, that’s why. When you get to be the mommy, you can do things the way you want, until then, it’s my way.” Guess what? I’m mama… Read more »