When She Thought She Was Nice, but She Was Only Codependent

She took one look at the man she’d just met, and her knees grew weak. After seeing him for a while, she fell deeply in love.

She thought he was the one she was destined to be with. Not only was he handsome and witty, but he also checked off every box on her list for a partner.

She dove headfirst into the relationship and gave it 100 percent of her energy. She went overboard to please him. On a typical day, she ran his errands, cooked for him, and jumped whenever he asked her to come over.

He was so attractive and popular with people, she was terrified of losing him. He always had a crowd of admirers around him. She felt like the luckiest woman in the world to be by his side.

It wasn’t long before she was telling everyone she knew about this amazing man she’d met. Yet when she finally met one of his close friends at a party, the friend had no idea who she was. The guy she was seeing had never even mentioned her to his friend.

She wondered what she did wrong. She tried harder with him. He always appreciated her love and attention, but soon was accusing her of being too clingy. He stopped inviting her over his place and stopped taking her out. He grew distant.

The more he pulled away, the more this lovestruck woman panicked. She couldn’t lose him. They were meant to be together — she just knew it.

He told her she was too demanding and needed some space.

Two weeks went by without any contact. She was heartbroken, and could barely function. She’d thought she’d lost him.

Then he came back

After a while, he started texting her again. He met up with her and told her how much he missed and loved her.

He looked her deep in her eyes and told her how special she was to him. Overjoyed, she took him back willingly. She drove him to the dealership when his car broke down. She cleaned his apartment and cooked him his favorite pasta dinner over candlelight.

Yet a week later, he mentioned he was going to a concert with a friend and didn’t include her.

She’d been dying to see that concert and told him many times how much she loved the band. She’d hoped he’d invite her. Yet, he didn’t.

When she brought up her disappointment, he was annoyed. He told her that he didn’t owe her anything, and her expectations were too high. She wasn’t his only friend in life.

The “friend” was a woman

She soon discovered that the friend he took to the concert was another woman. The other woman tagged him on Facebook. They were smiling in the pictures and looked too cozy to be friends.

Jealousy tormented her. She never admitted she saw the photos and didn’t want him to know she’d been stalking his page. She knew from history he’d tell her she was the problem. So, she kept her broken heart to herself.

Whenever they were together, he’d spend a lot of time texting on his phone. The other woman’s name peppered his conversations. Yet when she asked him about it, he’d insist the woman was only a friend.

Before long, she was checking his page regularly. They’d gone away for a weekend together — alone. The other woman tagged him constantly.

It was difficult to cope with her jealousy. She asked too many questions. Soon he’d get tired of her insecurity and pull away again. Yet he always came back. And every time he came back, she’d be overjoyed.

The cycle continued

They’d start seeing each other, and the beginning was always wonderful. He’d tell her how much he missed her — yet strangely he never apologized for hurting her. She ignored that red flag because she needed him so much.

Yet soon he’d discard her and repeat the cycle. He hurt her again and again.

There were always women surrounding him

Other women would randomly drop over his house when she was with him. They’d drape their arm around his shoulder, and ignore her like she wasn’t there. He was playing her.

He started pointing out her faults. The harder she tried to please him, the more he disapproved and backed away. Now she couldn’t do anything right in his eyes.

She was heartbroken. She didn’t know what to do. She’d read about narcissism, and realized that she was seeing someone who had all the qualities of a narcissist.

She couldn’t understand why he discarded her

She spent hours wondering what she’d done wrong. She drove her friends crazy. “I was so good to him,” she’d say, “I did everything for him. Why did he leave me?”

She fell into despair. He’d abandoned her, just like her father had done, and others in her past. She wondered what was so unlovable about her.

What would she do now? She swore she couldn’t live without him.

She was part of the problem

What she didn’t know was that she was a major part of the problem. She was codependent. When she read about it, she realized that the description of a codependent matched her completely.

Her entire life revolved around the narcissist. He was her entire world. And when he discarded her, she couldn’t function.

Yet she had a happy ending. When she worked through her issues, she finally found a healthy relationship with mutual giving.

Traits of a codependent

Codependents are wounded people and have low self-esteem. They’ve often had a traumatic childhood and suffer from early abandonment issues.

They are a perfect match for narcissists. Narcissists often had trauma in their childhood too. They feel insecure and need attention. They are drawn to overgiving codependents. Yet this dysfunctional union is a recipe for disaster.

Someone will always get hurt. And it’s typically the codependent.

If you find yourself in a situation like this

If you suffer abandonment issues and are too nice and overgiving to the ones you love, you could be codependent. It’s not normal for relationships to be so one-sided.

If you find yourself getting hurt over and over by a narcissist, your best bet is to sever ties with them completely. And until you finally address and work through your issues, you’ll continue to attract dysfunctional partners.

A healthy relationship is mutual giving and taking. One person doesn’t have all the power, like a narcissist with a codependent.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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