Society says that men are all pigs who only think about one thing, and that we all just want to sleep with as many women as possible.
Society says that women all just want their one and only true love, and that they want to be “good girls” who stay pure and don’t sleep around.
We’re left with the impression that any non-monogamous desire that we men have is sinful in some way, and that it’d be met with scorn by women.
We learn to be ashamed of our natural desires.
And we fail to recognize that our desires and women’s desires coincide far more often than we might think.
I’m a men’s dating coach. I help monogamous and non-monogamous clients alike, but I have been practicing polyamory for seven years now.
Many polyamorous/ENM clients have asked me:
“When should I tell her that I’m polyamorous?”
It’s a loaded question.
The reason they’re asking this question is because they assume that being ENM is somehow a bad thing that women might hate them for.
Sometimes, it’s true that they’d get rejected for it.
A lot of people out there, women included, are polyphobic. Some of them have bigoted views.
A lot of people out there, women included, are very monogamous and cannot imagine ever being in a non-monogamous relationship.
I won’t pretend that there hasn’t historically been a high prevalence of women expressing negative attitudes about nontraditional sexual/romantic relationships.
As I explain in Never Lonely: The Uncensored Guide on How to Attract and Be Loved by Women, societal pressure causes a lot of women to repress their own sexuality, and even pressure other women to do the same via a sociological phenomenon called self-marginalization.
It’s a well-documented effect of the patriarchy.
Therefore, the kinds of women who will be more accepting of ENM views are ones who have freed themselves from patriarchal influences to some degree, or are otherwise open to unconventional ideas.
You’re going to have less luck with God-fearing conservatives who believe in the ideal of the traditional nuclear family — those who don’t necessarily understand that family structure norms are determined by the economic patterns of society rather than any inherent morality.
There are women who already identify as polyamorous or ENM in some way.
You can tell them that you’re polyamorous or ENM as early as possible and it’s going to be fine.
Most women are going to be somewhere in between the two ends.
However, in all instances, you need to present yourself as polyamorous or ENM without hesitation or shame.
If you think of it as a bad thing, you’re going to give off countless little microexpressions that communicate the expectation that it will be taken in a bad way.
If you think of it as either a good thing or a matter-of-fact thing, you’re going to give off countless little microexpressions that communicate the expectation that it will be taken in a good or neutral way.
I truly believe that I’m not doing anything wrong. My practices are based in thoughtful consideration of others.
Your attitude will affect other people’s impression of you being polyamorous or ENM.
People are more likely to behave in accordance with your projected expectations of them. In psychological terms, this phenomenon is called the Pygmalion Effect.
All in all, it’s less about the “when” and more about the “how.”
In terms of when you should tell a woman that you’re polyamorous or ENM, the earlier the better. You want to filter out those who are polyphobic as quickly as possible.
Sometimes, you’ll want to be careful if outing yourself can create problems for your job or anything like that. However, if being out as polyamorous or ENM doesn’t cause any problems outside of your romantic pursuits, be out and proud.
Let’s say you meet a woman who could be open to the idea of non-monogamy.
She might have some negative preconceptions based in self-marginalization that could be exacerbated by a poor presentation of polyamory.
For example, if you tell her that your goal is to have a harem so you can sleep with a different partner every night, she might think you have no regard for others’ feelings, and that such ENM practices are based in selfish hedonism.
However, if you eloquently explain the various different shapes that love can take, and the virtues of freedom, authenticity, and/or egalitarianism in which your personal practice of polyamory is based, it will give her the chance to see any similarities you might have in terms of values.
An approach like this requires a solid philosophical understanding of polyamory or ENM, so make sure you’ve done your research.
It’s not enough to have just read The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton. Read that book if you haven’t already, but I also recommend Polyamory: A Clinical Toolkit for Therapists (and Their Clients) by Martha Kauppi.
I make no money from recommending those books. I just think they’re great, with the latter being one of the most psychologically comprehensive works I’ve seen on the subject.
It also goes without saying that you need to know how to talk to women in a way that attracts them rather than creeps them out, regardless of whether you’re monogamous or non-monogamous.
If that’s an area you could use some help in, I’ve got just the thing for you (Click Here).
Have you ever tried telling a person you’re interested in that you’re polyamorous or ENM? Tell me about your experiences in the comments!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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