Entitlement, low self-esteem, and violence can be a lethal combination.
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Why do some men feel like it’s a male thing to be “stronger than a woman,” but when a relationship ends, it’s often the man who “can’t cope”?
Why do some guys handle their distress with violence?
Why do some men feel entitled, yet have such low self-esteem that they explode after a breakup?
“Bob” asked me those questions after a recent double murder-suicide:
Colin Kingston was so upset when Kelsey Annese, his girlfriend of three years, broke up with him that one day he went back to her apartment and killed her, along with Matthew Hutchinson, who was in the same room. And then he took his own life.
“What the hell is going on with men like this?” Bob wonders.
Entitled + low self esteem?
How can some guys feel entitled, yet have low self-esteem at the same time?
Colin seemed to have felt entitled to a relationship with Kelsey. And he clearly felt entitled to kill her. AND someone else. He was also privileged, coming from a prominent family. And privilege often brings a sense of entitlement. Plus, Colin is male, and patriarchy brings men a certain privilege and status.
Strangely, entitlement and low self-esteem can go hand-in-hand.
Entitled people face high expectations, and they may feel insecure about their ability to live up to them.
Colin was white, male and his family was prominent, so he probably felt he should be successful. That can be a heavy burden. Especially when you’re not.
News reports say that Colin had not returned to college. Instead, he had been working as a farmhand on the family farm, and as a sales rep at GNC (nutritional store). He seems to have yearned for more. On his LinkedIn page he called himself an “aspiring businessman.”
Maybe entitled people can fly off the handle when the part of themselves that isn’t sure they are living up to expectations is pricked.
Why can’t strong men cope with breakups?
A lot of people say that women are the weaker sex. Yet breakups are often harder on men?
Clearly, the notion that men are mentally tougher is a stereotype. One that can backfire on them.
Since men are supposed to be strong we teach them to be stoic. “Boys don’t cry!” So men can end up denying their very human emotions.
It all gives the appearance of toughness, when reality doesn’t necessarily back up the façade.
And since they’re supposed to be so tough and independent, many men resist getting help when they need it. Like seeing a therapist, if necessary.
Plus, they might feel they can’t talk with their friends about about their so-called “weak” emotions, like sadness or depression. So men can have these troubled feelings, but no way of handling them.
But because it’s okay for women to be emotional, it’s easier for them to get in touch with, express, and deal with their feelings. And they are more likely to get support and guidance.
Men: taught not to communicate, or listen to women
Another reason why breakups can hit men harder is because they’re less likely to communicate and hear what their partners have to say.
She’s probably been complaining for a long time. But he doesn’t really hear it. Or “get it.” Sometimes men are taught that the things women say aren’t important. Sometimes men aren’t taught to communicate much at all.
And maybe he’s overconfident. It doesn’t occur to him that she will leave. So it’s a big shock.
Why handle a breakup with violence?
Since men supposedly can’t have “weak” feelings like dependence, sadness, depression or suffering, many do “emotion work” to turn the “weak” feeling into a “strong” one — like anger. Or they work to gain power over someone.
Some take the ultimate power by taking lives. Or at least unleashing a great deal of harm.
He feels powerful in the moment, but really, that’s what a powerless person does.
Not all guys who are dealing with these issues behave the way Colin did. So something else must have been going on with him, too. But women almost never do this sort of thing, yet we hear about men committing these sorts of crimes on an ongoing basis.
Add it all up and I must agree with Bob on this:
It makes me sad for women being the victims. And also sad for men, who may find themselves in the path of some other guy’s rage.
It feels like something pretty bad is going on in our society where, I don’t know, some men are lost, or something, in their quest for masculinity.
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This article originally appeared on BroadBlogs
Photo credit: Getty Images
It’s sad that men feel the need to be entitled and in control. But I agree, that they do. I believe it is because we live in a society where men in general are always given the upper hand or seen as the more dominant sex. Sad, but true. Men are suppose to be the tougher sex in not only the physical aspect, but emotional aspect as well. Women however are seen as “fragile” if you will. Their emotional and naive. Women also tend to be more open about their problems and this is what I think men like Colin… Read more »
Age is irrelevant, the behaviour is not determinant up years – I am sure I could find ample variants of the same Triangle murder suicide idiom that everyone was in their 40s – my mother was 29 when she was muderd by her 3rd abusive relationship ( he was 32) – he walked with less than 90 days served in jail because justice is a cheap who’re ready to be used for the dollar by the powerful. Some people believe love is forever and when they discover it isn’t and how easily and quickly they can be replaced by a… Read more »
IMO any man OR women who would resort to murder has mental issues, period.
Tom
you are right. It is not “strong men” or strong persons that can not cope with breakups.
She at one point in 3 years told him that SHE Loved him, and he had the misunderstanding that it meant anything beyond that moment, that situation, that mood. she is not your girl, it is merely your turn. When you understand the nature of the beast, there is no need to ever get angry at a scorpion for being a scorpion. Don’t be the dumb complacent frog that ferries her across the river.
SHE was a 21 year old kid who started dating a dude when she was 18. As I’m sure you’d be quick to excuse a 21 yr old guy for maybe having a change of heart, growing up, and moving on, I assume you can’t possibly be so ridiculous as to suggest that this poor girl somehow had this coming by daring to break up with the guy, who by all accounts wasn’t a particularly great partner. And even if he was, she had every damn right to break up with the schmuck. If every girl who got jilted by… Read more »
It is important however to teach people that people do change, ESPECIALLY teenagers who can throw I love you’s around like nothing. Information like that may have helped him move on instead of fester an extreme hate. Not everyone is trying to excuse a bad person, but to try understand WHY they snapped.
I went through abuse n bullying and searched deeply to try understand WHY it happened, WHY I was a target, and try figure out how to help prevent it in the future.
“Men: taught not to communicate, or listen to women” Or maybe it’s 50:50 responsibility. I realize it’s fun to blame men for failing to communicate and pander to yet another sexist stereotype (funny how they communicate to each other quite fine), maybe…just maybe the problem also lies in women in general not communicating effectively to men. I see too many women assume they communicate better than men, act superior in the department of emotions and act as if he isn’t listening when really part of the problem is YOU AREN’T SPEAKING HIS LANGUAGE. SO MANY TIMES I’ve seen and heard… Read more »
Archy, you make a really good point about effective communication being a 50/50 responsibility. Of course women employ less-than-effective (and some very damaging) communication methods.
And you also make a good point about women reinforcing the idea of stoicism. I don’t deny that women do and have made it harder for men to be vulnerable.
I don’t think either of these excuse (or directly cause) violent responses. No one deserves to die, be isolated or controlled for falling into these traps.
But definitely more needs to be done to shift our ideas of masculinity and femininity.
Nothing excuses unwanted violence, only self-defense is ok. I think it just adds to the problems many men face, and for some they let out the violent tendencies. I myself have dealt with violent tendencies. I had a lot of bullying when younger and also have impulse control issues with ADHD but I learned to manage those impulses and I have a very strong code of never hitting anyone to the point I have taken hits and not hit back. I learned early on how damaging it is to see violent moods with uncontrolled anger and got therapy early. If… Read more »
Archly, you’re absolutely right in that 50/50 communication is essential. However, men who commit this kind of crime aren’t doing so as a result of their partner being less direct in communicating. This violence is a result of a man- who the author very rightly identified as possessing a perfect balance of entitlement and low self-esteem- wanting to control and punish his ex-parter for leaving him and shattering his self-image. Neither of which she, or poor Matt, was responsible for. The sooner we stop making excuses for these men and start looking at WHY they do what they do and… Read more »
I do as a man hold myself accountable for my own actions.The key words there being MY OWN, not someone else’s. Another man committing an atrocity like this isn’t a result of me or any other man not holding him accountable (as if it’s even possible for people who have never met him to do that). It’s a result of his own insecurities. Neither I nor any man is responsible for what other men do simply because we both have penises.
“And it’s not okay to portray men as the victims here. Women have been the victims of all sorts of atrocities at the hands of men, for god knows how long, and we wouldn’t (and rarely do) give them a pass or let them off easy as a result of the crippling pressure of societal standards. We as men need to start holding ourselves accountable for our own actions, rather than looking to women to come up with better strategies to employ to ensure we don’t commit violent acts against them. Even saying that makes me sick. Wake up guys.”… Read more »
Archy I think you are really on the right path with the general theme of your response being that it is a 50/50 responsibility to communicate effectively. But ultimately we really need to shed the responsibility of all of this from any and all genders. in reality Women don’t meet up and conspire on how to communicate less effectively with men, and men don’t hang out in clubs and discuss how they’re going to murder the ex partners. We really need to look at this as a whole society thing. Society is teaching our girls and our boys all of… Read more »
See my new comment just above this about the path I could have went down vs the path I chose. That’s one way to help avoid it. I think there needs to be a lot of changes in society. Due to the severely large level of human desire for romance and dating, many women absolutely must be encouraged to be attracted to men whom are allowed to be vulnerable, to show insecurity and that they aren’t always stoic and confident men. On the flipside we need many men to be encouraged to be attracted to women who speak their mind… Read more »
Archy
Have you ever considered going to college or univeriaty and become a therapist ?
I think , I am sure you would be fantastic healer of others .
It cost a lot of money , I know .
But you got what it takes, intelligence,empathy and experience .
I don’t have the patience for it though and to be honest, I’ve had a lot of illness and negativity around my life. I’m not sure I could share enough of it every day and not keep myself in a good place. I wish I could copy that part of my brain n share it out freely so those with the patience could use it. Also there are too many graduates in psychology, etc vs the amount of jobs available so it’s a huge risk. I do use it for good at times with friends though and help where I… Read more »
Would you be direct if you had a gun to your head?
Because that’s what talking to men feels like. Tell me what I want to hear or I’ll hit you.
Which men? I have some female friends who are very direct and it’s so easy to talk to them. I think the key is learning to be direct with the right tone of voice and good wording. If your voice sounds snappy, then the vocal tone itself can trigger aggressive or defensive responses for instance. I think society itself has to have a widespread change in allowing women to be more direct and encouraging that to happen. What makes you feel like men are wanting you to tell them what they wanna hear or they will hit you? Is it… Read more »
While this article is generally well-articulated, it would have been great if the author (who teaches sociology and writes about psychology) made some comment on solutions. Self-compassion, for example, is a movement which aims to help us accept our failures so we don’t withdraw or lash-out.
Also, I found the headline to be a bit misleading. Having read the article, I understand the point about the illusion of strength, but I don’t feel that this is refelcted in the headline at all.