We all say those two words with hope in our hearts:
“I do.”
But what do we really mean?
For some, it means “I do… until you change.”
Or “I do… until I’m not happy.”
Or even “I do… as long as my needs are met.”
For others, it means something deeper:
“I do… even when things get hard.”
“I do… when we’re different people ten years from now.”
“I do… and I’m in this with you, not just for what I get out of it.”
There’s a quiet divide in modern relationships between those who see marriage as a covenant and those who see it as a contract.
A covenant marriage is built on the understanding that both people will grow, change, and sometimes drift. And in that drifting, they’ll find ways to come back to each other. It’s not always pretty. It’s not always fun. But it’s a commitment to show up, even when it hurts. It’s a choice to heal, not bail.
A contract marriage? That’s more like a subscription service. As long as the benefits keep coming, we’re good. But if the value drops? If connection fades, desire wanes, or effort lags? Then the contract is voided — no hard feelings, just business.
Here’s the truth no one told many of us:
You’re going to change.
Your partner is going to change.
And your relationship — if it’s real and alive — is going to go through seasons. Some will be lush and green. Others might feel dry, cracked, and barely surviving.
What matters most is how you respond to those seasons.
Do you assume something is broken beyond repair the moment it feels off?
Or do you roll up your sleeves and ask, “How do we grow through this?”
I didn’t always know this myself.
When my own marriage started to unravel, I was faced with this exact question:
Is this marriage broken and over… or breaking open?
The desire to run can be strong. Especially when you’ve given so much and feel like you’re getting so little in return. But sometimes, that impulse to run is really a sign — not that the relationship is over, but that something inside you is asking to be seen, healed, and loved.
After years of digging in, talking to couples who have lasted thru the ups and downs, I now believe a strong relationship isn’t one without pain. It’s one where pain becomes a portal.
Where resentment becomes a reason to reconnect.
Where drifting becomes an invitation to rediscover.
Where “I do” becomes “I still do.” Over and Over Again!
So ask yourself:
When you said “I do,” what kind of relationship were you agreeing to?
A partnership of convenience? Or a commitment to grow — even when growth hurts?
Because the truth is, real love isn’t passive.
It’s not found. It’s rebuilt over and over again each time you choose love over escape.
And if you’re willing, you can build a love that’s not just good in the easy times, but one that grows stronger with time.
About the Author
Stephen Bickle is a Master Relationship Coach who helps couples move past resentment, build emotional intimacy, and create partnerships rooted in honesty, connection, and teamwork. His coaching blends personal insight with practical tools to help you grow the relationship you truly want.
Learn more or book a free consultation at StephenBickleCoaching.com
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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