When We Call Them Out, They Call Us Ugly

Men are all too predictable.

Let’s pause. The ones who are already itching to write a response based on the title might have already started it. They’re the “not all men” men and the “but women, too” men. When it comes to men’s behavior, they’re primed to be defensive. It’s this predictable behavior I’m referring to here — and yes, I know women do this, too. But because we’re living in a patriarchal society with a power imbalance, we’ll start with men.

There’s an extremely common behavior I see any time I write about relationships. Many men see accountability as an attack. They immediately start fighting back.

We Call Them Out; They Call Us Ugly

I’m talking about accountability, and somewhere in the comments section, someone wanders along to call me ugly. As in, if I have standards and boundaries, some man is going to say it’s because no man wants me anyway. In other words, men aren’t the problem; it’s my looks and sense of rejection that create the problem.

That’s quite the mental leap.

They choose attack rather than accountability.

This isn’t rare either. While I experience this often as a backlash of writing about relationships, most women who date men have, at some point in their lives, experienced a man who countered rejection with a personal attack — usually focusing on the looks of the other person. It’s meant to make us feel as vulnerable and defensive as they feel. It serves the purpose of deflecting the conversation away from accountability and turning the tables.

But here’s what they don’t seem to understand:

Women don’t owe men beauty.

Being called ugly might once have hurt my feelings, but that was before I realized that I don’t owe the world good looks. I don’t have to be attractive to be valuable. I certainly don’t care to attract the kind of incel who pops into my comments to attack my looks rather than focusing on the real issues.

Frankly, how we look has nothing to do with it. It’s a sign of immaturity to even reference how someone looks in an argument or debate. It also promotes the idea that beauty conveys goodness while ugliness is associated with poor character. It’s an antiquated concept that ought to be thrown in the trash with the whole man who went on the attack in the first place.

Oftentimes, it doesn’t matter if the person on the attack genuinely thinks we’re ugly or not. They’re looking to find flaws that will redirect our energy away from holding them accountable. They don’t want to discuss their problematic behavior. They want to shift the blame to someone — anyone — else.

Women are reporting on the experience of women.

Someone I once went to school with posted a fascinating meme on social media. It said something about how women have no business saying what a man should or shouldn’t be. But that’s not at all what we’re doing. Women are reporting our lived experiences. It’s just that men feel attacked by them.

We’re talking about the bad behavior we witness. We’re setting higher standards and stronger boundaries. The result is that we’re less interested in men who are unwilling to behave maturely in relationships. Instead of the men seeing this as a natural consequence of their own behavior, they automatically try to create another narrative — one where they don’t have to take responsibility for their behavior or do anything to change it.

While the delivery of what we’re saying matters, I’ve found that even the kindest, most compassionate delivery still results in men feeling attacked and defensive. They still try to undermine our sense of self-worth in an effort to avoid accountability. It’s not that they’re missing the point. They’re certainly capable of understanding it. They just don’t want to have to change, and it’s so much easier to switch into attack mode than to remain vulnerable in the face of hard truths.

The Truth About Being Ugly

True ugliness is bringing someone’s looks into the conversation. It’s irrelevant. It doesn’t matter how attractive the other person perceives us to be. When we’re talking about behavior, we need to stick to the topic. The topic isn’t that men are bad, and women are good. The topic is the importance of accountability.

Accountability is tough. It’s challenging to evaluate how our behaviors could be harmful to others. Sometimes, it brings up a sense of shame. Because we feel vulnerable, we assume that the intent is to blame and attack us. We forget that our feelings are another consequence of being held accountable for our actions. While none of us enjoy this experience, it’s an opportunity for us to learn and grow.

What it shouldn’t be is an opportunity to attack another human being on the basis of how they look when the real issue is how we’re behaving. Our gut reaction might be to defend ourselves and go into attack mode, but it helps to take a pause to evaluate the reason behind this strong reaction. We can make a different choice. Instead of attacking, here are other options:

We can listen. Simply listening is powerful. We just might learn something about ourselves and others.
We can ask questions. If we’re not sure we understand, we can ask for clarification. We can even do some independent research to better understand the feedback we’ve been given.
We can choose to evaluate our discomfort with vulnerability. If we feel attacked, is it because we’re being challenged to be accountable for how we act? Is there an element of guilt involved?
We can learn new communication skills. That tendency to attack others and call names is a learned one. We aren’t born with it. Just as we learned it, we can un-learn it, too.

While the reaction is predictable, it doesn’t have to be. We can learn to be accountable and to hold space for feedback that isn’t comfortable to hear. It will take practice to overcome, but it turns out that men don’t have to call us ugly every time we mention that dating feels more and more like a dumpster fire these days. Instead of adding fuel to the proverbial flames, they can choose to evaluate their own behavior and, if necessary, change it. If we all do that, maybe we can put out that fire and actually connect like decent human beings.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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