I remember clear as day; I was ten, and my mother took me to the supermarket. I was touching everything, and my mother was most likely agitated. We got to the water section, and the cart filled up as we went down the aisles. I impulsively reached for the Poland Spring gallon jug, but my mother told me, “No, we don’t need it.”
I don’t know if I heard her or didn’t care.
I remember I picked it up anyway and tossed it in the cart, and as soon as I added the jug to the pile of groceries, it rolled back down off the side and hit the floor — sploosh — cracking wide open, water all over the floor.
My mom was pissed and, in her reaction, picked up the broken plastic bottle with the remaining water and poured it on my head, while yelling at me, “Why don’t you fucking listen.”
Looking back at this moment, I was embarrassed because we continued to shop, and while was wet. Insult to injury, my mom continued to yell and berate me for all the other times I didn’t listen until her anger eventually subsided, and we checked out.
These were different times; as we rolled through the checkout, the cashier knew to mind his business — he just asked, “Paper or plastic, ma’am.” I thought I was invisible and felt humiliated. I promised never to embarrass my kids like that when I became a parent.
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Anger is a powerful emotion, and as parents, it’s essential to manage it effectively. How we handle our anger impacts our well-being and sets an example for our children.
I can proudly say that my anger would never let me do something like that to my kids.
As American author Ralph Waldo Emerson wisely said, “For every minute you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind.”
I never knew if I was the sole source of my moms anger, but I could imagine that my drooping that water and not listening was the straw that broke the camel’s back — And in that “desert” the water was plenty.
Nonetheless, I learned from that moment when I was ten the importance of managing anger as a parent.
The Impact of Parental Anger
Children are like sponges, absorbing everything around them. When parents lose their temper frequently, it creates an environment filled with tension and fear.
Witnessing my mom’s anger made me a bit anxious around her in the following weeks, but things went back to normal. She always yelled at us when we misbehaved, but she never, before that moment, poured something over my head.
Looking back, I can sympathize with her because she had it rough as a primarily single parent, but even though I don’t excuse the behavior, I don’t hate her for it.
However, everyone is different; moments like this could have traumatized a kid or ruined the relationship forever.
So, as parents, you must be mindful of when you are in that moment of rage. Whenever I have felt that moment of anger similar to my mother’s while communicating with my kids, I tell them to go to their room, we will talk later, or I leave the situation for a moment to cool down. The last thing I want to do is react like my mom did with me.
Setting a Positive Example
Children learn by observation, and parents are their primary role models. By managing anger constructively, we teach them invaluable life skills.
A parent who practices patience and communication when facing anger-inducing situations teaches their child to do the same, fostering healthier relationships.
I promise you it is not always easy, but it is very possible. It is like when I am in my leadership role. When I was the foreman for my construction crew, I was in charge of grown men and had to guide them to success via the plan work scope. Like children, there is lots of complaining, second-guessing, and sometimes outright disagreeableness.
But I remember never to show my anger and still encourage them and provide leadership — If I don’t, there will be a mutiny on my hands. I apply this lesson with my kids. I communicated a little more firmly, but encourage along the way.
Effective Communication
Instead of reacting impulsively, step back and engage in open, calm, and empathetic communication with your child.
When my teenager disobeys a rule, instead of yelling, I sit down and talk about the consequences of his actions, helping him understand the impact of his choices. I get him to understand what’s up and ask what he would do in my situation so he could know where I was coming from.
Usually, he sees my point of view, and no yelling needs to occur.
Self-Care and Stress Management
My mother was highly stressed out; she was the only breadwinner for years with five mouths to feed and running her own clothing business, plus trying to make sure we would not get caught up in the streets of Brooklyn, New York.
I don’t know how she kept us out of trouble and kept the lights on, but she did it, and having to deal with kids who don’t listen often can be rough.
Parents face numerous stressors daily, and it’s crucial to find healthy outlets for stress rather than letting it build up into anger.
Regular exercise, meditation, or seeking support from friends and family can help parents maintain emotional balance. I don’t know if my mom had access to these options, but fortunately, a wide range of resources help parents with anger issues.
Here are some effective strategies to help you manage and control your anger:
Recognize the Signs of Anger:
- Self-awareness is the first step. Pay attention to the physical and emotional signs that indicate you’re becoming angry. These may include a racing heart, clenched fists, a raised voice, or a feeling of frustration.
Take a Pause:
- When you feel anger rising, take a moment to step back and collect your thoughts. Count to ten, take deep breaths, or temporarily excuse yourself from the situation.
Practice Mindfulness and Relaxation:
- Engage in relaxation techniques such as deep breathing exercises, meditation, or progressive muscle relaxation. These methods can help calm your body and mind in stressful situations.
Identify Triggers:
- Understand what triggers your anger. Is it specific situations, people, or unresolved issues? Knowing your triggers can help you avoid or prepare for these situations.
Practice Active Listening:
- In heated conversations, listen actively to the other person’s perspective. This can help defuse anger and facilitate a more productive dialogue.
Empathize:
- Try to see the situation from the other person’s point of view. Empathy can help you better understand their feelings and reduce anger.
Seek Solutions, Not Blame:
- Focus on finding solutions to the problem rather than placing blame. A problem-solving approach is more constructive than dwelling on who’s at fault.
Use Humor:
- Sometimes, a little humor can diffuse tension. Use it sparingly and with sensitivity to the situation.
Practice Assertiveness:
- Learn to assert yourself respectfully. Assertiveness allows you to express your needs and concerns without resorting to aggressive behavior.
Seek Professional Help:
- If you find that anger is negatively affecting your life or relationships, consider seeking therapy or counseling. A trained therapist can help you explore the underlying causes of your anger and develop healthier coping strategies.
The Power of Apology
In case you were wondering, my mom apologized later and told me she felt bad. We even still talk about it now. Ironically we can both laugh about it. My mother and I have an amazing relationship and she mellowed out tremendously with the years.
It’s okay to make mistakes.
Apologizing to your child when you’ve reacted angrily shows them that taking responsibility for your actions is essential.
I do that often. I will, without hesitation, apologize if I am wrong in any situation.
After a heated argument, sincerely apologize to your child, explaining that you were upset but that your love for them remains unwavering.
Final Thoughts
Parenthood is a challenging journey; managing anger is a skill worth mastering.
Anger is a natural emotion, and it’s sometimes okay to feel angry. What matters is how you choose to express and manage that anger.
By setting a positive example, practicing effective communication, prioritizing self-care, and knowing when to apologize, we can create a nurturing environment for our children to grow emotionally and socially.
So, when you are angry, mind your temper, not just for your sake but for the well-being and development of your precious little ones.
I hope this helps. Thank you for reading.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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