I took this picture a little over a year ago, when I knew I should have ended it. That’s him, leaving my house after my birthday, after having just made love to me for the first time and decided to leave me all within the space of three hours.
One year and a half into getting to know one of the most brilliant men I have ever met — let’s face it, he’s maybe a little bit on the spectrum and certainly emotionally in his pre-teens — however he is smart, values driven, overall a beautiful person inside and out. He loves deeply however, unfortunately, it seems, he is just not in love with me.
I am in awe of his talent and of his work ethics however as a boyfriend, I cannot tell you how difficult it has been.
He came over last week after I patiently awaited for Ramadan to end. I thought this would be the beginning of life together. I was ready for our honeymoon phase, for hand holding, for deep meaningful making love on beaches all around Greece. We had planned our summer together. Finally. We were going to do this.
Instead, something completely different took place: he came, he cried for four days, he told me he loved me but that it was best it ended. He said he’s younger, he feels he’s not ready for a real relationship and is completely focused on his startup. The weight of my age plays a big role on how he feels: he is scared I’m too old and that if this relationship goes wrong I may not be able to kids because of him.
I have flipped this concept around a million times in my own head but the bottom line is: he’s just not that into me.
He said ‘I would have come and got you and said — you’re mine let’s do this, but I just don’t feel that’.
You know that say…’when they tell you something, especially if it’s negative, believe them’?
Well here I am, completely deluded. I don’t want to believe it, I can’t.
What does it say about me that I’ve decided not loving me is just not an option I can live with?
Is anyone else this big of a looser in breakups?
This was Sunday.
On Monday, once I had spent 24 hours crying, at 4pm he calls me asking what I am thinking about the situation because he’s thinking that maybe we have made a mistake and that he loves me.
A week into ‘I don’t know what I think and feel’ later, I have crafted the letter I need to send him. Here I go.
I think it’s time to let go.
Since you value transparency, it was a hard week for me too. Sunday and Monday obviously particularly, but after our call on Monday I felt a sense of relief like we were going to be ok somehow. I realized today after you said you still didn’t know if you want in or out, that this ease is just in my mind.
You want me so little you’re reflecting for a week if you want to be with me.
How strange one can feel so tranquil and the other under the heavy weight of so much doubt.
Living in uncertainty is very tough.
Being told time and again by the person you are with that they’re not in love with you it’s very difficult to hear and as much as I have always truly believed, there is one thing that can never be missing in a relationship, the very core and the base: two people who decide that they both want to be together.
In this relationship there was only one.
I feel serenity and peace and I’ve worked hard to manage my emotions so that they don’t devour me. I put in some extra love and care, saw my therapist twice to work out why I decided to stay in, I went to get a massage, I went to work out every day very hard and I worked till I was tired enough to attempt to sleep.
Truth is, I wake up at 3 and check if you wrote. I can’t sleep when we don’t say goodnight and if I have free mental space I ask myself what it is I’m waiting for.
I saw honesty in your eyes when you were here, quite honestly I don’t understand what you think love is or being in love is, strangely I felt it from you somehow even if you said you did not.
Let me remove this weight off your shoulders: it’s ok for this to be over. I hear you and I believe you: you’re not in love and you’re not ready.
I know I’ll have no regrets, I really did try my best give you love that was practically unconditional, I waited when you asked me too, I worked hard at understanding you and to be open minded about our differences in approach; communication, culture, vision of things. It was hard work but also so interesting, I love hearing your point of view and learning from each other.
I am sorry we never actually got to live us. I know it could have been amazing but then again, that’s just what my gut told me, we unfortunately only got a little taste of it.
I hope you achieve everything you set out to do, you’re wonderful and I’m sure everything will come your way.
I can’t offer you a sincere friendship at the moment and I don’t know if I ever will, I need to process emotions and let go so I can also be ready to find what I’m looking for, a love that will choose me no matter what, fight for me when needed, hold me in its arms, protect me and never make me feel like an option.
With much love
A
I never sent it.
Instead, I jumped straight into phase 1 of any breakup: DENIAL.
Deny, deny, deny, and because he is in fact still messaging and calling me, I was able to execute this first phase of grief flawlessly.
I pretended we were still together. In all fairness, he practically did too. We messaged, called, sent hearts, commented and liked ALL posted pictures, even more than we normally would, and he told me I am his co-infinite mind. Best compliment in the world coming from him.
Yesterday s&*t hit the fan once more: he read on one of my stories that I was sad (which I am by the way, terribly so) and he said okay let’s end it for real.
Two versions of me showed up
The first version was amazing. ‘In or out. And if you’re out, we will never speak again.’
That lasted 15 minutes, when the other part of me caught on to the fact that he wouldn’t fight for me, she stepped in and crapped all over the first awesome version of me.
‘You mean you could live without me?’ OH MY GOD!!!
If only I could prevent you from seeing what I witnessed: a beautiful, successful, kind, incredibly good hearted, brilliant woman begging a man to stay with her.
How sad.
How disappointing.
The worst part is that somehow I’m pretty sure I convinced him to start over and that this time it will be different.
It won’t.
Here’s what he said:
- He’s not ready for a relationship
- He’s not in love with me
- He’s not sure he ever will be
He also said:
- He loves me so much he could remove a part of himself for me
- I’m the first person he wanted to take home (note he never did)
- I’m the first person he can imagine living a life with and I’m the smartest woman he’s met and that I’m everything he wanted and thought he’d never find.
Kill me now my friends.
I know what I must do, end it. Can you believe it? I love this man so much and I have to end it because I’m supposed to love myself more.
If you don’t choose You, nobody will.
Here’s the truth my friends: if you don’t choose yourself you cannot expect the other person to do so. I need to choose myself right now, I know that, but I genuinely don’t know if I have the strength to do so.
As I remind myself of my yearly promises to Me:
- let go of what’s not coming your way
- you don’t have to put up with any shit at all…
…I sit here and wonder how it’s possible that Love has yet to find me at age 37.
Why is this person not choosing me?
Why is this person not fighting for me?
I‘m thinking ‘I know how much I’m worth, I know I deserve SO much more than he’s choosing to give me’, and at the same time here I am, taking the breadcrumbs he’s giving me and trying to convince myself that they are enough.
Is there something inherently wrong with me?
I’ll be honest with you, at the moment I can’t help but to sit here and wallow in my sadness like a sore looser, but I promise you this: when I regroup I will come back stronger, better, and I will make sure that this time I love me more.
Looking forward to the regouping part. I was just thinking: ‘I wonder what the next phase of breakup grief looks like’ when I realized: all I have to do is re-read my own blog.
Phase of life: much love needed.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean? | My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me | The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex | The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence |
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Photo credit: Navigating my 30’s(Author)