Celebrating Valentine’s Day can be lovely. We express affection for our loved ones, our children cut out and offer pink and red construction paper hearts, and treat us extra special. It’s cute and fun and filled with sweet things. Why not?
Sadly, Hallmark turned what I prefer to call Love Day into commercialized nonsense. That’s why my feelings about Valentine’s Day are complicated. I love demonstrating my love for myself and my fellow humans. A dedicated day to acknowledge each other is nice, in theory.
But we tend to have exceedingly high expectations about the meaning of Valentine’s Day. We might feel unappreciated or unloved without a mate. We forget about self-love. We listen to media lies.
Problems arise when we treat Valentine’s Day as the only day we acknowledge our love for someone and that they have to be our intimate partner. It’s also not a good idea to use it as an attempt at salvaging an already doomed relationship. Then there’s the worst issue of all: expectations.
“Expectations are premeditated resentments.” — heard in AA meetings
We can’t expect a holiday to fix everything that’s broken inside of us or in our relationships. We also don’t need to beat ourselves up for not doing enough on said holiday. We don’t need a partner to express love, either. But tell that to advertisers who say otherwise.
I saw a guy walking out of Trader Joe’s on February 15th with an adorable little plant. I commented as such, and he said he hoped she’d like it. I replied, “I’m sure she’ll appreciate the giving of it more than anything.”
I added that Valentine’s Day doesn’t matter. It’s just another day, and he’s showing he cares about her. He seemed doubtful, probably worrying it wasn’t good enough, that he was a day late. He felt obligated like she expected more from him. He seemed insecure about his supposedly voluntary gift offering.
What does that say about their relationship? She’s potentially going to be mad at him for bringing her a plant the day after Valentine’s Day? Who fucking cares what day it is, it’s a sweet thing to do for her. And what about him buying it for her because he thinks he has to so she’ll approve? That could be why the plant means nothing without the rest of what matters to her.
It’s fine if gift-giving is her love language, and that’s their usual thing. But does she also see that his presence is a gift in itself? Whatever happened to appreciating that we chose one another? Does she notice that the most precious gift is his being there for her?
Does he know that a tiny plant pales in comparison to actively participating in loving her the rest of the year? I don’t know them, and she could be exasperated because he’s a jerk on the other 364 days.
We know the chocolates and roses aren’t about loving someone if you feel obligated to express it only for one day a year. We’ve turned this special day into something unrecognizable. Where’s the true love, y’all?
Sure, it’s kind to offer gifts to someone you love, as long as it’s genuinely what they want and what you’d do after the holiday is over. There’s more to love than buying stuff for each other.
I’ve been single for over six years. I’ve only celebrated with a partner twice, as far as I recall. I wish I didn’t like the idea of Valentine’s Day, but I do miss it. “Be mine” no longer feels right, though. And I’d prefer to love people on all those regular days. I didn’t acknowledge Valentine’s Day too much on February 14th because the date means nothing without loving action.
I don’t care about flowers and candy, though I love things that grow. My favorite present is my birthday rose plant from 13 years ago. She’s continued to grow long after my relationship with the gift giver ended. That was because he got my favorite rose, planted in soil that would sustain her. He knew I wanted something symbolic that would last a lifetime.
We both knew what real love felt back then. The first sign he loved me was when he replaced my burned out refrigerator light. He cared for me when I was sick, and encouraged me when I was in doubt.
We celebrated Valentine’s Day that year. He gave me a Claddagh ring. I still have it stashed away, to remember when we were two. But it was never about the things he gave me. It was his honest desire to show me he loved me. That’s what matters.
Romance isn’t dead, but it isn’t necessary, either.
I have a friend who doesn’t like romantic gestures. She sees it as possessive and disingenuous. She’d rather receive practical gifts, like a vacuum or a potted plant to grow in the ground instead of cut flowers. I’ve been quietly attracted to her since we met, so I pay attention.
Now I want to buy her a vacuum or its equivalent. Like me, she’s impressed when someone buys her a pound of epsom salt because they notice she likes to bathe in it, listens, problem solves, or does a favor. I want to give her what she wants and needs because I want her to be happy and live a satisfying life — because I love her.
Here’s the deal. Valentine’s Day isn’t the problem. It’s what we do with it. So what if we paid attention to our friends and lovers every day? If they want a lavishly romantic display with all the shiny hearts and a huge box of chocolates for Love Day, go all out for them. If they hate that, please don’t try to force it. Buy them a freakin vacuum when theirs craps out.
Don’t wait for a Hallmark holiday to offer loving gestures.
Love is free, and it’s an action — a verb.
Honestly, cleaning the toilet can be one of the best ways to show someone you love them. You’re willing to do what they’d rather not do. Or you’ll set aside time for them when they want company. Maybe you hold a space to listen when they need to vent. You can also tell them the truth when they’re trying to hide from it. They might need that.
Love takes effort, but not necessarily in the form of romantic gestures just because it’s mid-February. My favorite expressions of love are in the thought and care someone offers on an average day from an ordinary human doing extraordinary things.
Over time, I’ve learned how to best give love to myself, the most valuable gift of all. When we take loving actions for ourselves, our cup overflows. We’re able to share that love with others. If we continue demonstrating that love, the date on the calendar won’t matter. We’re free to love every moment of every day, all year.
So yeah, it’s ok to have one dedicated holiday. But when we fill ourselves to the brim with love every day, we won’t wait until Valentine’s Day to share it.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com
