When You Should Quit Your Relationship

I thoroughly enjoy writing pieces about leaving relationships that aren’t good or beneficial for people.

Why? Because I wish people would have told me to leave my relationships when they clearly saw they weren’t right for me. I wish I’d been smarter; I wish I’d read articles like this; I wish I had someone who would have helped me see things from a different perspective.

This isn’t to say that others are responsible for you and the relationships you choose to have, but often friends and even family members just want you to be happy — but happiness isn’t what matters most in a long-term relationship.

You could be happy with someone on a daily basis and love them yet still not be suited as a couple.

Usually, the problem is that you’re so in love that you’re completely blinded by the toxicity or how damaging the relationship you’re in really is. Or, perhaps it’s neither of those things. Perhaps the relationship is just fine; it’s not up nor down; it’s average.

Does that mean you should stay?

Here are a few signs that show the relationship might not be right for you, and maybe it’s time to quit.

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You’re not growing individually or as a couple.

You’ve been in the same spot for months — or maybe even years. You’re not growing emotionally or spiritually. You’ve plateaued.

Before getting into the relationship, you had goals. You had dreams, and ambitions but now you’re just going through the motions.

You go to work, you come home, you watch TV, you go out, you have sex, you sleep, and you repeat.

You have no sense of purpose. You feel empty. Your friends are so much farther along than you are.

You envy them. You wonder what happened. You had so much going for you.

If your relationship isn’t providing you with the room to grow, develop, thrive, and obtain your goals, it’s time to reevaluate.

You’re not supposed to decline as an individual the moment you get into a relationship.

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There’s little to no effort anymore.

When you first started dating — things were amazing.

He went to the gym, took care of himself, prioritized you, made time for you, texted you, made love to you, bought you flowers “just because.” Ultimately, he made an effort.

You did the same. You took care of yourself; you wanted to impress him; you laughed at his jokes, doted on him — you made an effort.

Now, you’ve been dating for a year or two, and neither of you is putting in any effort. Or maybe you are, and he isn’t — or vise versa. You don’t care anymore because you think, “we’ve been together for x amount of time; they’re not going to leave me at this point.”

The number of times I’ve seen people stop putting in an effort simply because they got the prize or they’re done with the honeymoon phase is astonishing to me.

If your love grows deeper for the person you’re with as you spend more time together and as your relationship progresses, why would you put in less effort?

If you want your relationship to grow and be happy and healthy, the effort needs to be put in constantly. Not just in the beginning stages.

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You’ve been unhappy for a long time.

Why stay if you know you’re unhappy?

You know that a relationship isn’t going to be sunshine and rainbows every single day, but you also know your relationship has been bringing you down for a very long time, yet you stay. Why?

Are you afraid of being lonely? Maybe a dating hiatus is just what you need so you can get comfortable in your own company.

A study published in the American Psychological Association discovered that people who are scared of being single end up in unsatisfying relationships. In addition, they pursue relationships they know won’t make them happy, all because they’re scared of being alone.

The studies also found that people who “settled” are still just as lonely and as unhappy as single people, which means that it doesn’t really make a difference — only that they’re wasting their time and efforts.

Are you afraid of giving up a good thing? I’ve always loved the phrase, “If it’s meant to be, it will be.”

Do you have other people relying on you? Kids? What good are you doing them by staying with someone who doesn’t make you happy? Don’t you want your kids to grow up seeing a happy and functional relationship?

Do you really want your daughter to stay in an unhappy partnership one day because she saw you do it, and she thinks it’s okay?

You should never settle in a relationship.

Don’t waste years of your life being in an unhappy and unfulfilling relationship because you’re scared of being alone or you’re scared to make a change. In the end, it’s just not worth it.

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There’s a lack of commitment from their end.

There are a lot of people out there thinking they’re in a relationship, but they’re actually dating themselves.

If you’re the one always reaching out, investing your time and energy to make things work, on top of that, you’re even investing financially while your partner remains unbothered and disinterested, you need to cut that off.

For a relationship to work out, both individuals have to put in an effort. Don’t let someone take advantage of you because you’re blinded by your affections for them.

A lot of relationships fail not because of the absence of love but because one was being loved too much and the other wasn’t being loved enough.

If you’re with someone who isn’t capable of committing to you fully, you need to reevaluate. There’s someone out there that is willing to match your efforts, and they’re probably a much better fit for you.

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You’re codependent.

Or maybe they are.

A healthy relationship should include two people who are able to respect one another, love one another, and compromise together. It’s not you constantly giving and them constantly taking.

A codependent relationship is a kind of dysfunctional relationship where one person is a caretaker, and the other person takes advantage.

According to Dr. Adithya Cattamanchi, a few signs of someone who suffers from codependency:

Finds little to no satisfaction or happiness in life outside of their relationship.
Stays in the relationship even if they are aware that they’re being physically, verbally, or emotionally abused by their partner.
Does anything to please and satisfy their enabler no matter what the expense is to themselves.
Feels constant anxiety about their relationship due to their desire to always be making the other person happy.
Uses all their time and energy to give their partner everything they ask for.
Feels guilty about thinking of themselves in the relationship and will not express any personal needs or desires.
Ignores their own morals or conscience to do what the other person wants.

If you recognize yourself or your partner in some of the above, it’s time to reevaluate if the codependency can be fixed or if you should even be in such a toxic relationship.

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Leaving is never easy. It feels uncomfortable. Have you ever had to quit a job and felt uneasy about it? A part of you told you to stay because you felt a little guilty? “Maybe things will get better.” You told yourself.

But then you hand in your notice and you feel a weight lift off your shoulders.

That’s what it feels like when you leave a relationship that isn’t right for you. It’s not easy to let go, but keep in mind that letting go isn’t the end of the world, it’s the beginning of a new life.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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