My children are returning to college. The holiday, the break, is over for them. It is bittersweet.
Yes, so glad to have seen them and spent time with them. But, it gets good to you again. You get used to them being around. Then, you realize you have produced a human being, who has their own life. They have to go.
Poof.
When I was in college, I would come home, and within hours I would be out with old friends, hanging out in old haunts, having a real good time. Most nights, I would come home later and later, and then sleep until the afternoon.
My children did not hang out but they did stay up late, and they did sleep later and later. It was hilarious. I saw them but mostly they did their thing. They have lived now.
On some level, you feel cheated. They want to go places and do things. You just want them to stay home and be who they are — your child.
I can remember on more than a few occasions on college visits, I barely saw my parents. I would be around on Christmas or Thanksgiving but the rest of the time, I would be trying to squeeze as much life and a good time out of the city of Washington D.C. as I could with my friends.
My father would drive me to the bus station after the short breaks and complain that I did not spend enough time with my mother. My mother would never complain. She would never reveal that she wanted to see me more, that it made it her sad I was now going back. She was, I guess, preparing herself.
My parents had their way of dealing with my departure. My father gave me money and my mother gave me clothes and snacks so when I got back to my dorm room, I would remember home. I kind of do the same. I try to hug more, something not natural for me, a hopeless introvert.
It is such an odd feeling to become your parents. Your children are becoming full-fledged human beings with morals and beliefs and with needs and desires. You always knew this but now they really express themselves.
They have been away, have seen another part of the country, and have interacted with other young people who will soon be responsible for the world. They are becoming. Thank God, I whisper. Then, damn.
But, mostly, all of it is positive. It is because your children are becoming independent and are thinking critically about their lives.
For me personally, now, I know now that my parents did feel a certain way back when even when they were aggressively pushing me out the door. They were happy when I came home to spend time there and they did not want me to leave either. It gives me great comfort to know that now.
They just felt that holding me back or making it seem like they did not want me to go would not be a good thing for them or me.
So I will reluctantly drive one of them back to college and take the other to the airport and will hope and pray they dodge Covid-19 like Barry Sanders used to dog football players on the gridiron.
That pandemic alone, and how they are facing it, and going to college, tell me they are growing and learning. This is a rough time to be in college. I teach college as well so I know. Yes, they have to go. I knew that the day they arrived home and gave me a hug.
Like F. Murray Abraham said once in some movie I watched long ago before I was a parent:
“ain’t like a M.F.”
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM and is republished with permission.
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