When Your Partner is Friends With Their Ex

We’re all looking for that perfect someone that fits into a perfectly shaped box that we call a good relationship.

Whether that’s a casual relationship or a full-on commitment, we’re looking for a connection that works best for our aspirations, needs and lifestyle.

Unfortunately, that perfectly shaped box seriously doesn’t exist. But really unique and special friendships, traditional and non-traditional relationships do.

The only problem, some of us breathe contradiction.

What I mean by that is we want the perfect partner who is kind, compassionate and understanding. But we only want those qualities for ourselves. The caveat, one can’t just turn off those superstar qualities. We want our partner to be a good person, one who doesn’t call their exes all kinds of derogatory names, and speaks badly of them right?

However, if our partner is as wonderful as we hope, then there’s always a chance they’ve maintained a friendship with at least one of their exes.

I’ve had both… believe me, it’s much more pleasant being with Mr. or Ms. Superstar than being with someone who holds petty grudges and anger with all their exes.

It’s much more pleasant.

I remember telling my partner once that I noticed he genuinely likes women.

I don’t mean specifically ‘likes’ as in wanting to get in bed with each and every woman… but that he genuinely appreciates women. I guess this would be the exact opposite of the word misogynist.

There’s got to be a word for that… I’m looking it up… duh, the word is feminist. I knew that.

He is a feminist and egalitarian. He truly respects others. So he is someone I want to hold on to. Not someone who calls his ex the C-word. He meets for a drink with her occasionally, she’s married, and I trust him.

There is a term called ‘retroactive jealousy’ which is used when someone is obsessed with their partner’s ex. They want to know every detail of their relationship, they worry incessantly if they’re meeting up for tea. They drive their partner mad.

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The term retroactive jealousy, according to an article in BBC News can be used when someone literally torments themselves with thoughts of their partner’s sexual or romantic history.

This is a part of our lives. And the reason I want to write this article is to help those who are obsessed with their partner’s previous relationships.

I speak from experience. I was obsessively focused on my ex-husband’s ex-girlfriend when we were first married. I snooped through his belongings looking for anything that could ‘catch him’. Doing what… I have no idea!

My ex-husband hadn’t remained friends with his ex-girlfriend so it’s not relevant to this post, however, I know what retroactive jealousy feels like, and it’s unpleasant and downright all-consuming. (Side note… my ex-husband had remained friends with other ex-girlfriends)

Photo by Ileana Skakun on Unsplash

Back to the present, I love that my partner is friends with his ex. I enjoy knowing that he is one of the good ones. I enjoy the fact that it’s me he’s with. And I kind of like being this way.

I once had a friend who we’ll name Alice. She was in a long-term relationship with the “love of her life”. We’ll call him Gabe. He was everything to her, so much so that she was incredibly jealous of him even going out with a male friend if his male friend brought a female girlfriend. This, to Alice, was strictly off-limits.

Alice tormented herself.

Gabe turned out to be a jerk anyway, and yes he cheated on her, but it was because he was a misogynist. He called women derogatory names all the time.

The one unsettling thing is that Alice actually felt relieved that he didn’t respect other women. She thought it meant he loved her exclusively. It made her feel safe.

This was far…far…from reality.

He ended up being extremely abusive to her, both emotionally, mentally and physically. And the one clear aspect of this relationship was that he would never be friends with an ex.

Dr. Becky Spelman from Private Therapy Clinic tells us there really isn’t a black and white answer on whether it’s appropriate to be friends with an ex when you’re in a relationship.

She suggests simply asking questions about the nature of the friendship. If it’s a casual ‘catch-up session’ now and then, it’s appropriate. If there’s constant communication, and the partner feels responsible for their ex’s happiness, then there’s likely a problem. She warns though that this might not be linear in regards to co-parenting exes.

Meeting your partner’s ex in person could be a positive step to assessing the friendship yourself. If there’s more than a friendship going on, you’ll likely notice. Or, your partner won’t want you to meet their ex.

That would be a red flag.

In any relationship, keeping the lines of communication open, and feeling comfortable asking questions, (not obsessively, or accusatory) but just in the nature of understanding, is harmless.

Personally, at this moment in my life, I think I would be more than happy to meet my partner’s ex. It would be interesting to see a unique side of him, (such as having both current and ex-partner at the same table) If anything, it would be enlightening! (Okay, it would also be fun to watch him squirm just a little…!)

I guess my closing thoughts would be this:

If you have a strong relationship with your partner, and if your relationship can surpass the beginning stages such as jealousy, and insecurities, then you might want to keep one thing in mind. Keeping someone who is capable of being friends with an ex, is 100x better than the alternative.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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