It’s about them not you.
For myself and the women I know seeking a long term relationship, there are those that you are in a relationship with that will ultimately not choose you and decide you are not the one. During the relationship they will always make you feel like you are not good enough. For people with an anxious-attachment style, a subject for another article, this can be devastating and so hard to accept.
Once we get into a relationship for a stretch, even an independent person can become a bit on the co-dependent side. When your person tells you no to something significant you desire, it can gut you emotionally like nothing else.
If the person you are in a relationship with won’t commit to you, whether the commitment is to be an exclusive relationship, or moving in together, or to get married — that does not say anything about your value as a person or your value that you bring to this relationship.
That lack of commitment, that lack of making a compromise or sacrifice to make you happy, speaks more about them, it does not relate to your value or sufficiency as a person.
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That person saying no to you, saying no to that commitment, it does not mean that you are not good enough. They do not represent your value.
I am not saying it is a bad thing on their part to tell you no to whatever it is you are seeking. That person knows what is best for them and for their life journey. The universe and God or a higher power has an interesting way of closing a door for you when it is not meant to be. We should listen and accept it way more than we do.
If you choose to stay with that person, that speaks more about how you see your own value and worth.
- What you will put up with even if you are not happy?
- What you will settle for, just to have someone?
- What do you feel you have to accept, due to the lack of options, lack of self-esteem, and your scarcity mindset?
- Are you are of the notion that you will not find anyone who will give you what you want and what you need to make you happy?
- Do you not think you have any desired traits and qualities that make you a great catch and a great partner for someone who will treat you well and give you the commitment you are looking for?
In my older years, I am able to reflect on the mistakes I’ve made in past relationships and what my action or reaction should have been. Unfortunately, hindsight is always 20/20 and it is easy to determine what your course of action should have been, after the fact.
I spent more than a year and a half in an on-again-off-again relationship that I should have seen from the get-go was going absolutely nowhere. It ultimately was a dead end relationship and I should have been able to figure this out much earlier. He couldn’t commit to anything serious.
Sometimes the person you are with will tell you all the lovely things you want to hear to string you along, but when you finally get to the pointed questions demanding answers, they will eventually tell you their truth and their no. And that you are not their choice.
The sooner we can figure this out and determine if your potential partner is seeking the same relationship outcome that you are, the better.
And if you person says no, accept it, and move on to find what it is you are looking for in your life.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Максим Степаненко on Unsplash
