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While You Live, Shine
Chris Bernholdt, Devon, PA
From Dads Behaving DADLY: 67 Truths, Tears, and Triumphs of Modern Fatherhood Copyright © 2014 Motivational Press. Reprinted with permission. By Hogan Hilling and Al Watts.
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I feel like Rodney Dangerfield. Sometimes, I just don’t get any respect. Such is the life of a stay-at-home dad. We have to learn how to shine.
I have met plenty of moms who think that me staying at home is such a great thing. Because let’s face it, it shouldn’t matter what my gender is; the job is the same. Maybe the way I approach it is different, but I still bandage boo-boos, make lunches and clean up puke.
There are some moms, though, who don’t get it.
My daughter had been talking about this friend of hers in kindergarten for some time, so I contacted her mom through the class email list to try to set up a play date for her and her new friend. After much back and forth about where, when, what time, etc., we made the play date, and I brought my daughter to her new friend’s house.
Before I left, I asked the mom about what she did, what her husband did, and how long they had lived in the area. I got to know her a little before I left my child with her and soon she redirected some questions back at me.
“Soooo, what do you do?” she asked.
“I am a stay-at-home dad,” I said confidently.
She laughed.
Yes. Laughed. I felt a little ashamed though I never had before. People act surprised or shocked to find out I stay home with our kids, but I have never been laughed at.
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I tried to let it roll off my back and kept talking, adding that I was a blogger… more laughter. Then I quickly added, “I am a part of the National At-Home Dad Network, and we have a convention every year.” More laughter.
“Are you serious?” she asked through her you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me grin.
“Yes, it has been pretty awesome for me,” I replied, reasserting myself. “So much so that I started my own Philly Dads Group. Maybe your husband would be interested?” and I handed over my card.
She stood there, stunned. “That’s what my husband wishes he could do,” she finally said, her grin melting. “He is stuck with his family business and would rather stay at home. In fact, I wish he would too.”
I am not sure if she was trying to save face, but she added, “Looks like there is a whole other world that I just don’t know about.” Sure. That’s it.
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Although you would have to be living under a rock to not hear about how roles of caregivers have changed in the last ten years. Changing people’s minds doesn’t happen overnight though. Hopefully, I opened up her eyes to how seriously some dads embrace this role for their families.
While it is rare to have this kind of reaction, I have received strange stares at the grocery store in the middle of the day and have heard ignorant comments from strangers I meet that think I am “babysitting my kids for a few hours.” Often, I have to remind myself I am doing well for my family; I am not doing it for anyone else. Some people understand. This is not a joke to me; this is my life.
When I returned home, I received an email from my dad telling me about something he learned from a music class called the “Epitaph of Seikilos” taken from the first century. This song represents the earliest record of a full composition and what was inscribed on someone’s tombstone between 200 BC and 100 AD. Roughly translated, it means:
While you live, shine. Let nothing trouble you. Life is only too short, and time takes its toll.
Amazing the way the universe works.
When I was feeling challenged by those who might bring me down, my father lifted me back up. We cannot be mired by the doubters who seek to bring us down. Instead, it is us who must change skewed perceptions back to reality and make others see the light. I know what I am doing with the time I have, and I aim to make a difference in this world. Maybe with help, they will see me shine.
I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t want people to think highly of me. As a stay-at-home parent, there are no accolades; no one is taking you out to a fancy dinner to thank you for your work on a project. There is no pin for years of service.
Stay-at-home dads are looking to blow the doors off the perception that men have to be pigeonholed into traditional roles. I assume men in professions where other males are not “typically” seen, like in nursing, have faced similar struggles. But do we call every male nurse we meet Gaylord Focker? No, but people still refer to stay-at-home dads as “Mr. Mom.” It needs to change.
My time with my kids has been my composition in progress. I have, with my wife’s help, shaped my kids into the people they will be one note at a time. In every job I have held, I have sought to make a difference in the lives of children. Staying at home is my opus, and I hope more people will just give it a listen.
While I live, I will shine.
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Chris Bernholdt is a full-time stay-at-home dad of three kids aged eight, six, and three. He writes about his adventures as the primary caregiver on his blog, www.dadncharge.com. Chris is also the co-founder of The Philly Dads Group, offering support and socialization for dads in the Philadelphia area and is an active member of the National At-Home Dad Network where he is the blog editor. Chris’ writing has been featured on sites like CNN iReport and The Good Men Project. When he is not writing, he enjoys the adventures of being a stay-at-home dad and capturing it with his photography.
Hogan Hilling is a nationally recognized and OPRAH approved author of 12 published books. Hilling has appeared on Oprah. He is the creator of the DADLY book series and the “#WeLoveDads” and “#WeLoveMoms” Campaigns, which he will launch in early 2018. He is also the owner of Dad Marketing https://dadmarketingconsulting.wordpress.com/, a first of its kind consultation firm on how to market to dads. He is also the founder of United We Parent, www.unitedweparent.com. Hilling is also the author of the DADLY book series and first of its kind books. The first book is about marketing to dads “DADLY Dollar$” and two coffee table books that feature dads and moms. “DADLY Dads: Parents of the 21st Century” and “Amazing Moms: Parents of the 21st Century.” Hilling is the father of three children and lives in southern California.
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Originally published in Dads Behaving DADLY: 67 Truths, Tears, and Triumphs of Modern Fatherhood Copyright © 2014 Motivational Press. Reprinted with permission.
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