Who Should Pay for the Date?

One of the burning questions in the dating world is:

Who pays for the date?

Is it the guy? Is it the girl? How do you know what’s PC versus what might deeply offend the other person?

Here are a few different approaches.

1. “The man should pay.”

Period. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. The gentlemanly, chivalrous thing to do is pay for the lady. Simple as that.

A lot of women feel this way. For these ladies, a first date where the guy doesn’t offer to pay is also the last.

It’s a red flag. He’s cheap. He’s financially unstable. He’s not “a provider.”

Worst of all — he’s not masculine.

(Ouch.)

2. “The man should pay — but only if he’s getting something out of it.”

It’s the classic quid-pro-quo.

A man buys a lady a nice meal, and in return, she puts out for the evening.

It’s an equal exchange — cash for access to a woman’s body.

(Sounds a lot like prostitution, if you ask me.)

3. “Whoever asks the person on the date pays for it.”

This is a more nuanced approach.

If you do the asking, you should also do the paying.

It’s the 21st century. Forget the rules about “the man has to pay.” Women are holding high-paying jobs and achieving financial independence at even higher rates than men sometimes.

So if he does the asking, he should pay.

But if she does the asking, she should.

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Both men and women can and should pay for dates.

Women have jobs now. We aren’t helplessly relying on our husbands or fathers for a weekly allowance.

With this level of independence and equality, is it really fair to act as helpless and we might have been back before we had equal rights?

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(I think not.)

However, I don’t think women should always pay.

It should be a mutual understanding that both people in a dating relationship want to contribute to it — financially or otherwise.

Either way, both people in a relationship need to feel like they are both contributing to and receiving from the relationship.

One person shouldn’t do all the giving while the other does all the taking.

That isn’t a relationship. It’s abuse.

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There are men who don’t mind paying the majority of the time.

Some men, especially if they are financially stable, enjoy the feeling of being able to take care of and provide for a woman financially.

Even in these scenarios, women should offer to contribute at least some of the time.

It’s less about the money and more about the gesture.

The willingness to contribute is a sign that a person appreciates you, wants to make sacrifices for you, and cares about taking care of you, too.

Little gestures like this can tell you a lot about a person.

Is she generous? Is she kind? Is she entitled?

The way she acts throughout your relationship, even in small ways, can demonstrate a woman’s character.

So if you are a man who is willing to pay for dates, consider that the type of woman who would make a good long-term partner will be appreciative and not take this for granted.

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Final thoughts

Asserting that a man should always pay for the dates is assuming that your time is more valuable than his.

A man never wants to feel that he isn’t worth your time unless he literally pays you to be there.

You should want to be in his company for the sake of getting to know him, not because you expect a meal ticket.

Paying with the expectation of sexual favors is glorified prostitution.

No woman wants to feel like they “owe you” sex just because you paid for dinner. (And honestly, no woman does.)

If you offer to pay, it should never be with alternative motives.

Taking turns, expressing gratitude, and contributing in other ways is the healthier, more nuanced approach.

Both people can and should offer to pay for each other in relationships. It doesn’t have to be exactly 50/50 (considering people’s individual situations), but it certainly shouldn’t be 0/100.

Moral of the story — it’s always polite to offer.

And at a bare minimum, say thank you.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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