Let me pose a theoretical question real quickly.
If you were to get back with an ex, what would that look like?
Would you go back to the same patterns? The same challenges?
Or would things be different?
I want you to think about it. What are the odds either of you have changed?
Most of the time, when people cycle through their exes over and over again, it’s because nothing’s changed.
Consider it logically, going back to an ex has more to do with returning to the same, familiar energy, than rekindling any kind of “new” romance.
Otherwise, you’d just move on and be with someone else.
When I asked this question myself, I realized I couldn’t go back to an ex (even if possible) because I no longer mirror any of their internal states.
(At least how they were when things ended.)
Meaning, I’ve outgrown them emotionally and energetically.
Why else are certain people drawn to each other? They’re attracted to the mirror of themselves.
We want to be around:
- Similar energies (negative or positive)
- Familiar trauma stories
- Emotional states (like anger, fear, or even joy) that validate us
Pay close attention to who you date, fall in love with, and who you attach to, because you’ll see yourself in that reflection.
And if you look a few layers deep, you may not like what you see.
But really, the question is, does it even matter?
Is there even a point to treating a relationship like a self-help experiment?
Yes and no.
I’m not saying you should use relationships (or people) to discover deeper insights about yourself.
Ultimately, a relationship is more than that.
But I’ve found a lot of usefulness by combing through my old relationships.
There were breakups, situations, and other circumstances that really forced me to ask, how in the hell did I end up with her?
Or, why is it that I fell in love with this girl, and not that other one?
It was more than luck or random chance that brought these women into my life.
I was repeating familiar, but dysfunctional patterns from childhood.
And while we might think, yeah, that’s great and all, of course, childhood would influence our adult relationships.
It’s all common sense until you’re in the thick of a relationship. Madly in love with someone and unwilling to see the bigger picture, we don’t want to see ourselves in the other person.
Feelings cloud judgment.
You can ignore it all you want; the patterns are there.
Similar energies and labels
As I remember in my past relationships, there was a dominant theme.
Negativity.
I had quite a few exes that were “doom and gloom” and what I call “professional victims.”
And truthfully there were times I wasn’t any different myself.
Yet, I’ve lost track of how often there was some overly dramatic, negative situation to deal with in the relationship.
It was like we couldn’t just “let things be” and thrive and grow.
I was drawn to these kinds of women because they reflected the same negative, low-vibe states I was in.
Familiar trauma stories
Trauma doesn’t have to be a life-changing, catastrophic event like we usually imagine it.
In his book, The Myth of Normal, Gabor Maté, a well-known physician and trauma expert, goes into a deep exploration of what trauma is, how it explains most of society’s behavior, and how it hurts us, down to the cellular level of an individual.
There’s Big-T Trauma (T) and Small-t Trauma (t).
Big (T) trauma are life-altering, significant events that we often think of as the only definition of trauma.
This trauma might not affect everyone.… but every single person on this earth has small trauma (t).
This is the subtle, but chronic and cumulative events that happen over time.
Like criticism, being “forgotten” about, or routinely not feeling safe at home. It can be anything, even if as an adult you look at it and say, That wasn’t very traumatic.
But the child version of you doesn’t know that.
It all shapes and molds us.
Unfortunately, if small (t) is highly prevalent, it can be just as bad (or worse) as one major traumatic experience. And it shapes how we form relationships later on.
Anyway, the point is, that I developed an unhealthy coping mechanism growing up. I became a master at “attunement.”
I’m incredibly vigilant and aware of my surroundings, which goes back to childhood.
My “survival” depended on it.
I’d feel a huge sigh of relief when my father would finally wake up from his late-night drug binging halfway through the afternoon.
My grandmother was emotionally volatile and even if she wasn’t visibly upset I could feel her tension. And this pattern followed me into my 30s.
I was now the “fixer.”
Whether I wanted to or not, I unconsciously took on a “fatherly” role to a few of my partners.
A lot of my relationships were focused on me soothing them.
I’d date people who couldn’t manage their anxiety, which was a mirror of the emotional instability of the adults growing up.
These patterns are a reflection of unhealed trauma (small t), not love.
Emotional states
I’ll keep this as “grounded” as I can so that it doesn’t get too “far out there.”
But the most familiar types of relationships are those in which our partner mirrors a particular emotional state of yours.
And here’s what I mean.
Some people don’t really know how to “let go.”
They hold onto grudges, they hold onto grief, there are exes and old friends they can’t seem to let go, or they’re always angry because of XYZ that happened 10 years ago.
That sort of thing.
The longer you resist your emotions, the more they build up.
It’s like holding in a massive dump.
Emotional constipation.
I didn’t realize this was what was happening in an old relationship until I stepped back, let go of some of my anger, and realized, damn, I wasn’t the happiest person back then.
I was angry because there was a lot of stuff I was holding onto.
But so was my ex. She went through a lot of (small t) and never really let go of it.
That anger felt familiar to both of us.
Because think about it this way, if you’re living in a “low-vibe” state, what’s going to be more familiar, and more comfortable, and what’s going to resonate more with you?
Happiness? Someone with a positive, “bubbly” personality?
Or an uptight, emotionally reactive, anxious person?
To wrap up,
Keep this in mind. Any and all of your relationships are mirrors — self-reflections.
They’re not coincidences, at least not for the majority of the time.
While it might be tough to accept it, the more you change who you are on the inside, your relationships will mirror that change.
(If you’ve been needing to improve your relationships and set firmer boundaries with those you date, download a copy of my boundary setting guide here. It walks you through step by step ways to empower you to take back ownership of your relationships.)
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I also write 5 to 6 articles weekly. For daily content, follow me here on Medium.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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