According to Merriam-Webster.com, the word Influence can be defined as a transitive verb, 1: to affect or alter by indirect or intangible means. 2: to have an effect on the condition or development of. As an adjective, Influential is defined as: exerting or possessing influence.
The most influential person in my life died recently — I received a text message with the news of his death from a mutual friend. I hadn’t seen him in 10 years; I maintained a very low profile to keep it that way. The news of their death, someone I had loved deeply for over a decade, caused me to reflect quite a bit. The grief I felt came with sadness, guilt, anger and relief.
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A few years ago, I was on a long run through a local college campus, and as most runners do, when we aren’t making mental grocery lists or listening to murder podcasts, we think and reflect. I realized graduation season was quickly approaching and thought about the college valedictorians preparing speeches that may mention a MIP (Most Influential Person). It made me ask myself if I recognized who the most influential person in my life was. Often, parents, mentors, or teachers are acknowledged, someone who encouraged them or guided them in a direction for which they are thankful — people worthy of praise. Realizing the most influential person in my life was not a good person, nor did they do anything for me worthy of praise, was a bit mind-blowing. I don’t know why it never really occurred to me that influence isn’t always positive.
Naturally, people gravitate towards those who’ve cast a positive light on a person’s life, or at least that’s what we hear about on social media and in speeches and thank you blurbs. We don’t sit around at fancy dinners or celebrational parties and sing praises to abusers and rapists or drug dealers that have pushed people into addiction. We don’t toast con artists who steal life savings, and we don’t celebrate manipulators who caused emotional distress leading to years of therapy.
These aren’t the stories shared with flowery language in auditoriums filled with proud parents in a sea of matching caps and tassels. These are the stories we share with our intimate relationships and deep friendships over hours-long coffees with low whispered voices, stories seldom spoken of outside of therapy and personal walls we’ve put up.
The most influential person for me was a person who changed the course of my life in numerous ways. I physically moved thousands of miles away from the only place I ever knew as home. They were with me during some of the hardest times of my life, but they had also caused most of those times. I trekked back and forth across the world with them; they had put my life in danger — sometimes directly, sometimes indirectly; they were also why I became a parent, and I had loved them for the longest time.
Here is where I should thank this person, right? I should be all positive-vibey and Zen and say things like, “It’s because of them I am where I am…everything happens for a reason…this made me stronger…I thank them for the life lesson”. It’s a bit of a conundrum — the whole parent thing especially. I wouldn’t be the mom to the spectacular child that I am living my life for, if not for the MIP in my life. I am grateful to be the mother to my child, yet I still don’t feel the pull to let bygones be bygones. If anything, I feel a stronger pull to continue to protect my child.
There is no reason for me to paint a glossy picture of how grateful I am for them — nor should anyone else feel they need to be thankful for a person who negatively influenced their life. I don’t think anyone needs to accept someone’s drinking problem or have to glorify domestic violence or emotional manipulation in the name of “learning a lesson.” I don’t see the need to find the “silver lining” behind any toxic influences, regardless of how one’s life may have turned out. I didn’t deserve any of the abuse, financial chaos, or mental distress thrown my way because of loving them. I am where I am and who I am because of that simple reason, because of me: my strength, resourcefulness, and courage.
A wise therapist said to me very simply, “This didn’t happen to you for any other reason than that person was a shitty person.” However, we did discuss my need to develop solid boundaries for a healthy and happy future. Still, I give credit to my therapist for that lesson — not the toxic people in my life.
For those of you whose most influential person was just a shitty person, thank yourself for your influence, that your knowing got you through times or trials that you weren’t expecting. Thank your therapist, friends, family, and any other support you had to help you get through those times. Those are the people who deserve acknowledgment and praise — including yourself.
I hope my MIP crossed over into a better place and their internal suffering is over. In my heart of hearts, I hope they can somehow do good from the afterlife for those they couldn’t be good to in the present life.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Robert Ruggiero on Unsplash
