Why 50/50 Feels Unfair to Women

A 50/50 romantic relationship involves splitting all expenses equally, such as rent, food, and transport. This relationship arrangement has been on the rise due to feminism and a shrinking middle class.

What seems “equal” on the surface has been the subject of extensive debate. I want to preface this by stating that this essay is my personal opinion only and reflects what I find works (and what does not) in my relationships. Every relationship is different, and each partner’s needs vary.

While many reject the 50/50 arrangement on religious grounds, arguing that their religion mandates that men be the leader of the household, such beliefs are not the basis of my argument.

I disagree with a 50/50 financial arrangement because the debate unfairly centres on what can be quantified, making it deeply reductionist and conveniently overlooking women’s contributions, such as unpaid domestic, emotional, biological, and heuristic labour, which are not as easily quantified.

For example, how do we quantify the value a woman brings to the family when she is pregnant? While the husband receives a salary for his contribution to the workplace, a woman’s contribution in bringing a new life into the world and to the family unit is invaluable yet non-quantifiable.

Why 50/50 is unfair to women

The 50/50 arrangement is unfair to women because we bear significant reproductive risk. We are burdened with the risk of pregnancy, genital injury, and infection during penetrative sex. We are significantly more likely to be victims of sexual and physical assault in relationships with men.

I pay for my own emergency and hormonal contraception — which I have to take because I am in a sexually active relationship — including the GP appointments required to access them. These do not count towards the “shared expenses” with my partner, such as rent and food.

Additionally, women are at high risk of UTIs, BV, yeast infections, and other illnesses. While men carry the bacteria or microorganisms that cause these ailments, their female partners are the ones who suffer the infection due to anatomical differences.

Moreover, there is the orgasm gap. A study of more than 50,000 people shows that more than 95% of men always orgasm during sex, while only 65% of women report the same. Meanwhile, at least 92% of women orgasm during masturbation. It remains a common perception among men that sex ends when he ejaculates.

Furthermore, our patriarchal society views women with a high body count or a history of male partners as “used goods”, while praising men with extensive experience with women. Therefore, by giving a man access to herself, a woman is making a significant sacrifice: She lowered her perceived “purity” and “value” to be with him.

She is taking a risk with him, because when they break up, the next partner might not be as forgiving of her “high body count”. In fact, I was rejected by a man in the past because he said my body count was too high. An equitable man would acknowledge that his partner is taking a risk to be with him by making her life easier in ways he can.

Finally, I put myself at higher risk of physical abuse by being with a man. Many women enter what they believe are loving relationships, only to be abused after they marry. A good male partner should be understanding of your worries, vow not to abuse you, and also show you respect and consideration for the trust you have given him.

“Provider” as a masculine status symbol

I have dated men who provide as well as men who want to be provided for in the past. I have found that while a man gains status by providing for a woman, a woman lowers her status by providing for her man.

People automatically assume men pay for everything anyway, so even if you adopt a male social role, no one will respect you the way they do men. When I used to always pay for my exes, restaurant servers would hand the bill to him first, assuming he would pay. When we go grocery shopping together, the cashier asks my boyfriend for his card, assuming he will pay.

With my exes who wanted to be provided for, I covered most of their expenses. (One of them even refused to buy me a $5 bracelet I asked for as a sentimental gift.) My family and friends thought this was one of the lowest points of my life. Meanwhile, when I dated a provider man, his community praised him for doing the right thing by acting like a man.

Therefore, men often demonstrate their masculinity by paying for women, whereas a woman who pays for men is often perceived as desperate.

. . .

I could provide many more examples, including the fact that women perform a large majority of unpaid domestic and emotional labour in most heterosexual relationships, as well as bearing the burden of childbirth and childcare.

But the ultimate point is not about tallying unpaid labour and sacrifices, because arguing over splitting the fees right down the middle is pointless. The 50/50 mentality of having to split everything is not conducive to love, because you don’t do that to someone you love. I don’t even split the bill when I go out with my best friends, because we are so close that it feels like something you do with acquaintances.

What a healthy non-50/50 relationship looks like

On the one hand, the more biologically and societally privileged partner, the one who has benefited from the patriarchy, should strive to be more equitable by alleviating the burden on the disadvantaged partner.

On the other hand, from a woman’s perspective, I also try to ease my partner’s burden by being mindful of his struggles. If he has limited funds, I am perfectly happy to cook at home or go somewhere affordable.

A relationship isn’t a perfect 50/50 split because life, society, and our reality as messy human beings are not. A relationship involves two people who understand each other’s needs and help ease each other’s suffering in a mutually respectful way.

If you are a man but don’t have the money to afford a relationship, you should prioritise getting your life in order first, because a relationship involves a lot of responsibility. As a woman, I also had to do significant work before I was ready to date and be a good partner.

As for the question of how much men and women should split, if someone is still asking that, they have completely missed the point of my essay. To reiterate, we need to get rid of the mindset of splitting everything down the middle, as if we were roommates rather than partners, because that mindset is not conducive to love.

What is conducive to love?

What’s conducive to love is communicating with your partner, sharing your struggles, and having your partner be open to finding solutions. This goes both ways.

For example, is it “equal” that when I walk with my partner at night, I ask him to stay close to me and protect me from sexual harassment? He knows I often get harassed when I go out in public and has experienced trauma from stalkers and sexual assault, so he accommodates my needs in that moment by positioning his body so I feel protected.

A 50/50 advocate might argue that I am being unfair, since he is protecting me while I am not protecting him. Still, such an argument completely overlooks the fact that I am significantly more vulnerable to sexual assault than my boyfriend is.

If you are a guy in a relationship and facing financial difficulties, communicate this to your partner. If your only solution is to stop treating her well or to expect her to cover all your needs (neglecting the inequalities I have listed above, as well as those not listed, given we live in a deeply patriarchal society), the problem is not that you are not providing for her, but your mindset of giving up.

A healthy mindset involves actively finding solutions. In this scenario, you can offer your partner more affordable options that are equally fulfilling; for example, you can cook together instead of going out (note that this involves you compensating for your lack of financial contribution with labour).

If your partner is struggling with recurrent UTIs that require expensive visits to the doctor, and you can’t help cover the bills, you can offer to forgo penetrative sex. If your female partner is not orgasming during sex, try to bridge the gap by communicating with her, experimenting with toys, focusing on clitoral stimulation, and not giving up until she orgasms.

Equity is not just about splitting bills. It is about recognising the many other ways patriarchy makes life miserable for women, and recognising your role in it. Most men are unaware of their own biases, such as not caring whether their partners orgasm, or not respecting women’s unpaid domestic, emotional, biological, and heuristic labour, viewing it as non-intellectual work or less valuable than men’s work.

If you want love to flourish in a heterosexual relationship, you need to get rid of this patriarchal way of thinking. And yes, a 50/50 relationship is often patriarchal, especially when the man does so because he disregards the risks his partner undertakes by being with him, while underappreciating the value his female partner brings to the table.

A feminist, equitable heterosexual relationship involves respect for both parties. Penny-pinching without respect for your female partner is not it.

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This post was previously published on An Injustice!

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