If you have an anxious attachment style, chances are you partnered up with an avoidant attachment style at least several times. Avoidant and anxious attachment styles are opposed and are usually magnetized to each other.
Similar to anxious and avoidant people, they both feel insecure in relationships but in different ways. People with an anxious attachment style constantly worry about the relationship possibly ending and crave reassurance and closeness. They usually tell themselves that they are too much.
On the other hand, avoidants find it difficult to trust people; they value their independence, and they may need physical and emotional distance to process their feelings. They usually feel like they are not enough and constantly let people down.
We subconsciously seek relationships that will prove what we tell ourselves. The anxious person will say to the avoidant that they are not emotionally available or sensitive enough, making them feel like they’re not enough.
The avoidant will tell the anxiously attached that they are too needy and acting too sensitive, and they will feel like they are too much.
We look for relationships that will continue making us feel the same way. That’s why anxious attachment and avoidant attachment are perfect for each other.
How can you make it work
There are four ways that can vastly improve anxious-avoidant relationships.
An opportunity to grow
To make the relationship work, you must see the new relationship as an opportunity to grow instead of a typical anxious-avoidant crazy bond. Focus on yourself, your thoughts, and the energy you bring to the relationship.
Are you constantly scanning for partner flaws? Are you shutting down when things get difficult? Try to understand the mind frame that you enter when something goes wrong in the relationship. For the relationship to work, you need to stop the typical narrative that you have.
Anticipate your partner’s needs
Another thing that can significantly impact is anticipating your partner’s needs and educating yourself on their attachment style. If they are avoidant and need space to process their feelings, give them the space without judging them. Tell them you love them and be there for them if they are anxious and need reassurance and closeness.
Recognize your triggers
When you are emotionally triggered, responding rationally to your partner becomes challenging. So it’s crucial to identify your triggers, be it your avoidant partner spending time with friends, seeking solitude, or displaying specific body language.
Once you pinpoint these triggers, it’s helpful to employ self-soothing techniques when feeling triggered instead of reacting by either becoming overly clingy or lashing out. This approach prevents your avoidant partner from feeling overwhelmed or attacked.
Spend time with friends
Take a break and enjoy hobbies or friendships outside of the relationship. Sometimes, you need some space to empty your head. Both partners must have their own social lives and activities apart from their romantic partners.
Friends provide a different kind of emotional support compared to romantic partners. They might offer perspectives and advice that a partner might not, contributing to a well-rounded support system.
An anxious-avoidant attachment relationship can work, as long as both partners know their attachment styles and are willing to work on their triggers. If both of you can be patient with the other, you can move forward towards a more profound, healthier connection.
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