The anxious-preoccupied, avoidant partnership will be studied longer than archaeology when it’s all said and done.
I say that jokingly, but I have encountered story after story of this dynamic playing out.
The most ironic part is my attachment style transformation journey began when I was in this dynamic.
I know what it feels like. When things are going well, it’s great. When moments are sour, it is like two-month-old milk sitting in the sun.
Alright, so it’s clear that I am horrible with metaphors, but you get the point.
The anxious-avoidant partnership works initially because each partner values what the other person brings.
Avoidants initially love that their anxious partner can express their emotions, desire a deep connection, and move the pace of the relationship.
Anxious partners initially see the value in someone who can work independently, stays cool, calm, and collected, and takes time to build trust.
Yes, you see the word that’s sticking out: initially.
What feels good about those behaviors is the lack of ability to display them yourself.
There is a point when it crosses the line, and you realize that the qualities you value in your partner become triggers.
No, neither partner is “in the right.” Both need to learn what behaviors trigger their negative responses.
Let’s go.
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Grab the controller
When an avoidant partner initially meets their anxious partner, there is a whirlwind of positivity.
The connection is strong because both partners value a deep bond and connection.
There is a disconnect, however.
Anxious partners are prone to moving on a faster timeline than their avoidant partners, and while there should be an equal force pushing the pace, avoidants can feel rushed by their partners.
On the avoidant side, there is a lack of awareness about how much the deep connection is valued. Your ability to live independently also steers you away from rushing.
Again, neither partner is “in the right.”
It feels like the anxious partner is stripping your ability to take your time to build trust in the relationship.
It feels like your partner is on a timeline and not “enjoying the moment.”
It feels invasive.
As an avoidant, you have to reframe your thinking and look at the perspective your partner brings.
Your partner is not trying to strip you of anything. They are showing you their faith in the relationship and their desire to be with you.
Your partner can’t be left in the blind without communication.
Formulate a path for trust that your partner can work with.
The release
Speaking of communication, I know it is one of the topics avoidants like to dodge at all costs.
You thought you were spot on, but that is not necessarily true.
Communication works through a different avenue for the avoidant than it does for their counterpart.
Avoidants are slow processors. They often feel the symptoms of their feelings without being readily available to identify them.
Your anxious partner works in the opposite direction, and they identify their feelings instantaneously. Your partner wants to avoid the symptoms hitting them.
The trigger comes when the anxious partner approaches the avoidant to sit down for a moment of expression.
It feels like the anxious partner is offloading their problems onto their avoidant partner, but they are ultimately looking for an open ear and a shoulder to lean on.
The avoidant partner feels a sense of weakness in their partner since they are prone to finding a resolution to their problems without looking externally for help.
What happens when communication falls apart? Resentment grows.
One partner does not feel safe expressing their thoughts to their partner. The other feels like their partner is needy and needs to find a resolution to their issues. Now, the gap is widening.
Heavy weight
It can feel like your anxious partner is asking a lot from you, but the reality is that the dynamic needs to find a middle ground where both partner’s needs are met.
Resentment can grow quickly in this relationship because one partner’s comfort is the other partner’s trigger.
The avoidant partner’s desire for independence can make the anxious partner feel isolated and abandoned.
The anxious partners’ need for constant communication can make the avoidant partner feel overwhelmed.
The avoidant partner’s desire to take time to build trust can make the anxious partner feel undervalued.
The anxious partner’s desire to resolve issues quickly can feel invasive, pushing the avoidant into isolation mode.
At the end of the day, the avoidant partner will look at what is figuratively “piling up” and decide the weight of the dynamic is too much and drop out.
Avoidants are susceptible to feeling pressure and that overwhelming feeling will make them feel like they are better off alone.
The middle ground is finding patience and pace that works for each partner in the dynamic and explaining why it works for the partnership, not just for the individual.
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Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings, click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.
Want to learn about the triggers of the dismissive-avoidant? Get a free guide here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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