Why Appeasement Never Works With Abusers

Lately, I’ve been reading a lot about people who have been trying to reason with Q-Anon fans, racists, forced birthers, and GOP voters. I’ve also been listening to guys telling women to “have some sympathy” for incels and misogynists.

Honestly, people telling us to reason with these people are not correct. Many of them are doing so because they honestly believe that we can talk them out of their views. However, some are bad faith actors when they tell us to try to negotiate.

Personally, I’m a believer in railing against people who want to harm others through cruel policies. I’m also a believer in defending yourself against bullies and blocking/deleting comments that are rude, cruel, or insensitive. Why?

It’s because appeasement doesn’t work with bullies.

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Let’s go back to schoolyard days, when a bully would punch kids (or spread nasty rumors) to hurt others. They’d do it, and keep doing it until the bullied kid would snap and break the kid’s nose. Then they’d wail and whine, but they never hit the kid who punched them again.

As adults, we try to dissuade kids from hitting bullies back due to liability issues or something. But, the truth is, sometimes, fighting back is the only thing you can do in order to get the bullying to stop. Those of us who had a bully like this know what it’s like and know it’s true.

Though schoolyard bullies can sometimes stop as they get older, the truth is that bullying done by adults is usually a matter of abuse.

The reason why we tell kids to talk things out is twofold. As adults, violence will get us in jail. Second, we hope that the bully will eventually grow out of it or “see the light.”

This can be in the form of domestic violence, toxic workplaces, and political abuse. For the sake of the rest of the article, I want to talk about adult bullies — the people who are cruel to others just because they can be.

Bullies come in a wide range of flavors. In this group are Nazis, incels, misogynists, sanctimommies, workplace bullies, and domestic abusers.

Most adult bullies are abusive until they experience consequences.

Photo by Ilayza on Unsplash

Bullies and abusers both tend to pick their targets based on who they think they can break. They choose people who are unlikely to retaliate. And if they get away with digs, they often escalate until it’s no longer able to be ignored.

To understand why bullies never stop when they are ignored or appeased, it’s important to understand the psychology behind bullying. Bullying is a way people get a rush of endorphins and it also acts as a way to yank power from others.

Bullies generally are power-hungry people who want to control others.

Whether it is from insecurity or it’s rooted in a natural need to be top dog, the result is still the same. Bullies and abusers treat others poorly because they want power and control.

It’s their way of pushing themselves up while beating others down. The truth is that bullies cannot take what they dish, but they will keep dishing it until they have people rebuff them.

Abusers and bullies see their behavior as a challenge to others that can either be won or lost.

Photo by Danny Howe on Unsplash

For them, ignoring their behavior or appeasing them means that they won. You showed that you are willing to bend to them. So, they want more, because they assume that you are going to keep rolling over. Hurting you gives them a high, and they’re junkies.

So, let’s take a look at how each behavior towards them registers.

When they are ignored, they tend to assume they can get away with what they’re doing. That’s a win for them because they’re flaunting their abuse. The only time that being ignored is not a win is if they are narcissists who want to have the spotlight on them. Then it’s a consequence.

When they get appeasement, it’s a sign that they can do way worse without issue. They take this as the ultimate win. It shows that they are in total control and that they can take out their rage on you more. They know they can scream, threaten, and kick prizes out of you.

When they have retaliation that harms them, they have experienced a boundary. This is a hard loss. They don’t like losing. If you keep retaliating in a way they don’t like, they stop. Sometimes, only one real bad act of retaliation is enough to permanently stop them.

Here’s how to retaliate against abusers.

Abusive personalities all tend to hate the same type of treatment. These methods below are the easiest ways to curb their behavior — at least towards you:

If they are trying to get a rise out of you via trolling or bad faith debates, block them and ignore them. People who are angry and trying to pick fights can’t stand being ignored and deplatformed. They want to scream at you. The best way to piss them off is to block them, ignore them, and remove them from your circles.
Shunning works. Ignoring bullies is not the same as shunning. The human psyche hates feeling rejected and shunned. It actually registers like a physical pain in our brains. Many bullies, especially abusers, take their victims’ presence as a green light to escalate behavior. This is why shunning and breaking relations works.
If someone physically attacks you, hit back. Seriously. Do not try to ignore self-defense. Some people just won’t get it until they’re lying on the ground bleeding. You have the legal right to respond back to assault with equal force.
People who use emotional blackmail (like threatening suicide) should have their bluff called. Call 911 if they threaten suicide. I guarantee they won’t do it again unless they are serious. If they try to make something your fault, tell them, “Okay, not my problem.” Show them that you don’t care and they will be powerless against you.
Legal matters and lawsuits work. Nothing scares a bully like having to deal with legal consequences and a paper trail showing that they’re a piece of shit. Lawsuits are a great way to curb corporate bullying and graft. The same can be said about calling the police on people who are vandalizing your stuff or threatening you.
Depending on the bully, shaming can also work. Not all bullies respond to shame. Look at the GOP for details.
When your bullies are institutional in nature, disengage from the institution as soon as possible. If you cannot disengage, fight back by promoting others to a position of power who aren’t bullies. Or, hit them with lawsuits. In most cases, institutions that are run by abusers will fail. So, that’s food for thought.