Late last year (2015) I found out that Brene Brown had started a new work, called COURAGEworks and there was an on-line training based on Daring Greatly and Rising Strong called “The Living Brave Semester.” I love Brene Brown and was aware of how shame afflicts me (I would say now that I was a LITTLE aware.) So I signed up.
The class started in January and I was watching the videos with my wife, Maria. Then I would do the exercises and talk with her about them. I did the exercises … well half hearted. They were hard—things like identifying your values and choosing an arena.
Then one Friday night in February I took a look at the forum. WOW! I spent about 8 hours that night on the forum. People were sharing deeply—really tough stuff. They were being vulnerable and present and it was so refreshing. I was intoxicated. I started responding to others posts. An early comment I posted looked like:
I like it. Great idea. Thanks.
When I share something personal and vulnerable, and I really feel understood, it feels:
Powerful. Like Freedom. The darkness recedes and I feel like I can conquer the world (“To infinity and beyond 🙂
When I share something personal and vulnerable, I like the person listening to (Ideal empathetic response):
Listen quietly
Verify what they heard (What I am hearing you say is ….)
Ask good questions
Withhold any and all judgment correction etc etc
Ideally share that they have been in a like situation before (implying that I am not alone)
When someone shares something painful and personal with me, I:
Want to run away
Want to correct
Want to judge them
Shrink from the brave gift they are offering
Tell a joke
Give advice …
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad freeAnything to avoid the pain of admitting that it could be me in their situation.
The one new thing I can try is to practice critical awareness and know what I am feeling as I interact with others – and at the right times risking sharing my feelings with others.
So I reached a point where I started asking “Is this real?” and “Can I be comfortable with this?”.
So I reached out the support at COURAGEworks and asked how long this forum would available for and they responded for ‘the indefinite future’. WOW. I was incredulous. If they had said ‘for $5/month this will be available indefinitely that I could believe (the forum was monitored).
So I gathered some courage and made my own post. It was about the dynamics of the forum:
So I really want to be vulnerable and share with people I have met/meet in the forums. However I recall Brene saying that one needs to be careful to share:
1) with the right person
2) at the right time
3) for the right issue
4) with someone who has earned the right to hear my story
And I don’t know about 1-3 but I have yet to earn the right to hear someone on the forums story. I really want connection and empathy – am I being too negative or legalistic?
There was a lively discussion and soon I commented:
I am also grateful – and I just started using this forum.
I have in the past imagined an “Empathy Hotline” where the operator has earned the right to hear my story – I know this does not and almost cannot exist – but I pine for it.
Hear you about giving advice and long to be able to sit in the tension of the unknown while practicing empathy.
Gratitude is great – and I am thankful for this forum.
If shame gets spoken it loses so much power. Silence might not be as golden as we were taught as children.
I went on to become very active in the forum – I would spend hours – literally hours each day on the forum – mostly responding to posts and practicing empathy (I called it empathy with training wheels) and posting when I had questions or went into shame. And every time I became aware that I was in shame – I went to the forum. Either someone posted something or I posted and someone responded – yet I felt empathy – shame melting empathy – and the darkness receded. After about two months with shame episodes diminished and recovery happening fairly quickly – hours instead of weeks – I felt like a new man.
And I continued to post, heavily. I even started a file of blurbs that I would put at the end of my posts/comments things like:
This little inner child has become scarred by shame – yet with self compassion and care perhaps he can emerge carefree and whole inside my person.
or
When I know what I am feeling, and I verbalize it, my gremlins are limited in their ambushes.
And I was getting to know people on the forum deeply – and the connections were bringing light and melting shame. We were all growing, asking questions sharing stories, practicing vulnerability and empathy in this safe environment.
And now – here is how this is relevant here – these people I was connecting with, they were like 95% ladies. I had connection with maybe 10 guys and hundreds of ladies. I do not think this is a coincidence – I call it social pressure. Men are not encouraged to be vulnerable and share in our society. And I yearn to be vulnerable with men—I need it. I still have deep connection with many of the ladies I met and I desire to continue that. And I have connection with a few men from the forum.
Yet I desire more connection with vulnerable men.
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Photo: Getty Images
A great read. Keep it up Nathaniel.
Some things are so deeply personal and/or shameful/triggering, that we can only share them with people we don’t know…
Thanks for sharing Nate! I particularly liked when you said “If shame gets spoken it loses so much power. Silence might not be as golden as we were taught as children.” That’s an interesting thought there. I think a lot of people would feel a lot less shame if they just shared what they were feeling shameful about. Sharing has also made shame go away for me, too. Perhaps, in observing someone else’s acceptance of the behavior we’re shameful about, we can more easily give ourselves permission to accept that behavior, and shame goes away. In this way, perhaps shame… Read more »
Max
Thanks for your response. I do agree that we can identify with our behavior and it can become shame (classic one is “I steal things” is different from “I am a thief” for me, the former is guilt the latter is shame).
Nate
Wow, beautiful insights Nathaniel. And a wonderful call for all men to join and allow themselves to feel and connect on new and deeper levels.
After all, we are in the 21st century and it’s time to liberate men from their confining roles, one of which is not allowing themselves to speak and feel their more vulnerable places…
Lian, Thanks for this comment. I see signs of progress for ladies (Brene Brown, Glennon Doyle Melton, Liz Gilbert to name a few leaders). And I year for the same thing for men. Shame is universal – we all have it. That means we can all become resilient to it 🙂 How to engage men in this discussion – that is a hard problem. I am starting to isolate areas of struggle and resistance so as to craft a compelling message. For instance, it seems that confidence bordering on cocky is a societal value placed on males (perhaps this is… Read more »
Yay! I hope you start a male sharing revolution! Bravo Nate!
Thanks for this comment Julie.
I hope for a Vulnerevolution (a word I made up for what I anticipate is coming) – I hope it is includes ladies and gentlemen all learning how to share and be vulnerable.
My question now is, ‘Are the males of the world ready for what is coming?’