Why Avoidant Behaviors Trigger Anxious Partners and How to Navigate It

We’re back to discuss our favorite dynamic! Okay, I know some people who don’t find that joke funny.

The relationship between the anxious-preoccupied and avoidant can be special if both people work toward secure attachment.

I understand how frustrating it is when both partners are as far in their corner of the spectrum as imaginable.

Let’s take a pause here before we move forward.

There is a misconception that I want to dispel before we take another step.

There is uneven hatred and disdain toward avoidants when the reality is that any insecure attachment style carries equal weight in transforming their relationship or making changes as an individual.

Read that again. Now, let’s move on.

I want to share insight on the triggers both partners can experience when their partner exhibits their negative behaviors.

I will focus on the anxious-preoccupied experience from the behaviors of their avoidant partners and flip the story in the following article.

The constant push-pull in this dynamic is the root of the trouble. Each side searches for comfort, but what makes one partner comfortable triggers the other.

Although your reaction feels personal, and you feel like your partner is out to get you, part of the turmoil you’re experiencing is from your internal beliefs.

The resolution

One of the positive qualities of being in a relationship with an avoidant is you’ll rarely get into screaming matches.

The bad part is that you will rarely have a conversation to resolve a conflict with an avoidant that goes long enough for both parties to reach that point.

Again, I hope we can have a joke or two here.

It feels like you are working with a partner who doesn’t care enough to resolve a conflict with you, and when they dismiss the conversation, it feels like they are pushing you away.

You’re triggered because having the conversation mid-conflict is comforting to you. Sharing emotions as they hit and the desire to kill the issue instantaneously is natural to you.

Your partner needs the time to process and understand how they feel before they can approach you.

Push-pull.

I understand it feels right to approach conflict in your method, but a part of you is doing it because taking a timeout would leave you feeling unheard and emotionally abandoned.

The middle ground is when timeout is defined, and goals when revisiting the conversation are understood and defined by both partners.

Create a boundary that works for each partner, not one that helps you feel soothed and relaxed.

Where is the love

Another sneaky assumption I can make about you is your love language based on your attachment style.

Let me guess.

As an anxiously attached individual, your top love languages are words of affirmation and physical touch, and maybe one can be replaced by quality time.

Yes, I am a genie.

The truth is that our attachment style is often at the center of our love language.

Anxious-preoccupied partners need reassurance that their partner loves them, cares about them, and will not leave them.

You also feel bonds through intimacy and moments that help you feel connected, like hugs, kisses, swipes, cuddling, and sex.

You guessed it, these are at the bottom of your partner’s love language list.

They do not see the same value in those love languages as you and don’t know how to display behaviors and actions that prove their dedication to them.

Avoidants operate with actions > words.

You can ask your partner to start showing the behaviors that make you feel reassurance and physically loved, but your partner needs to hear the actions that produce the feeling.

No, “I tell them all the time I want this” won’t get them to move.

“Your frequent hugs make me feel comfortable and protected when I’m feeling stressed or anxious” works ten times better than, “you don’t hug me enough. Why don’t you want to touch me?”

Over and over again

The last point is something that puts me on your side. I know, finally.

Avoidants can become inconsistent because they do not track the pace of the relationship the same way you do.

The doubts they place in their mind erase any desire or need to track the progress they see.

“It’s been two months, and “We’ve been doing this for two years now” are statements that don’t register with them.

This same quality can work positively for you. Avoidants aren’t the type to keep a chronological track record and a list of challenges in the relationship.

The inconsistency you face in this relationship can make you feel like your partner doesn’t care or you are putting in effort that isn’t reciprocated.

Don’t treat your partner like a child, but avoidants need to learn how to be in a relationship.

It takes time. Avoidants need to understand the value of a deep, connected bond. Guess what? THEY WANT ONE.

At the surface, it is hard for them to connect with it because they have never experienced it.

Instead of being combative to their snail-like pace, look at them as someone who needs your help to understand the value of the connection you have.

I know, when the relationship is on ice those times are miserable, but the fire you have when the sparks are high can become consistent when you both put in the time.

…

Want to learn about the triggers of the fearful-avoidant? Get a free guide Here

Do you want to huddle for a 1:1 session to work through your dynamic? If you’d like a free 15-minute information and onboarding call about my coaching offerings, click here. You can also reach out to me on Instagram. here. or email me at [email protected] for details.

—

This post was previously published on medium.com.

***