Why Avoidants Won’t Commit Even When You Do Everything Right

While I was working, the internet connection suddenly stopped. I could see that I was still connected to the Wi-Fi. Still, there was no connection.

I restarted the router. Nothing changed. I reset the Wi-Fi connection and rejoined. Nothing happened. I restarted my laptop (I don’t know why). Still, no connection.

I checked my internet bill. It was paid.

Needless to say, I was frustrated because I had work to do. I did everything possible to “connect” to the internet.

Long story short, there was a problem with the network in my area, and the connection was restored a few hours later. So, in the end, the issue was not with my laptop, router, or internet subscriptions (the things I could work on).

There was a problem over which I had zero control. I couldn’t fix it even if I did everything possible.

Do I need to explain further? I’m not talking about my internet connection (although that was a real story). I’m talking about your “connection” with your avoidant partner (or to-be partner).

You can do everything right. You can be the perfect partner in the world. You can leave no stone unturned. But that doesn’t mean your avoidant partner will commit or treat you the way you want.

Why?

Because the problem is not you. You can try to connect in all the ways you know. But, just like with my router, if there’s no connection from the source in the first place, you’ll run in circles trying to do the impossible.

So, dispense with the idea that if you only did the right things, they’d commit, love you, or treat you right.

In fact, someone loving you or committing to the relationship has nothing to do with you. Let me explain this point because it’s very crucial.

What does it mean when someone loves someone or commits to them?

If someone loves you and is capable of sustaining this love, it means they’re capable of love. If someone commits to you, it means they’re capable of commitment.

Both have nothing to do with you. If you weren’t the target of their love and commitment, someone else would be.

Similarly, if someone is incapable of sustaining their love for you, it means they aren’t capable of love. And if they can’t commit to you, it means they’re incapable of that level of dedication. If they were with someone else, they wouldn’t be magically capable of love and commitment.

The proof? The strike of broken hearts avoidants leave behind them. The problem isn’t with these partners (though they sometimes pick faulty partners to feel justified leaving them).

The problem is their ability to love and commit, which is nonexistent (until they do the work).

So, stop blaming yourself for someone’s shortcomings.

This is good and bad news, depending on how you want to take it: it’s not your fault, and you cannot do anything to make them love or commit to you. Only they can change that.

And in case you don’t know, it’s almost impossible to make people want to change, let alone change or fix them!

You know how difficult it already is to change your hardwired behavior and beliefs. Imagine how difficult it would be to make someone want to go through that. And imagine how difficult it would be to actually change someone else (versus them doing it) and sustain it!

It’s impossible. Believe me, I tried it! Didn’t work. Wouldn’t recommend it.

Instead, here are 3 things you can do.

They will save your energy, direct it to more productive endeavors, and do the other person (your avoidant) a favor. Yup, you’ll do them the biggest favor in their lives by allowing them to work on their shit alone.

Let’s dig in. It won’t take long.

#1 Stop obsessing over the avoidant and focus on your life.

A relationship with avoidants is like being stuck in quicksand. The more you try, the worse it gets. Remaining calm is your best bet. Sudden and big movements will get you more stuck.

Now, practically speaking, I know that is hard. The dynamic of the relationship makes it addictive and compelling. Your partner’s evasive behavior can get you hooked like a helpless fish, especially if you’re already anxiously attached.

The push-pull cycle makes most of your thoughts and actions during the day revolve around your partner and the relationship. You’re trying to secure them or, at least, understand them.

It’s time to stop that.

Be honest. What did you stop doing or enjoying since you’ve been sucked into this emotional dynamic of push and pull? How is your mood being negatively affected by this relationship?

Well, It’s time to get your life back. Like or hate it, you’ve already lost the relationship you’re trying to secure. So, don’t also lose your life and self.

And weirdly enough, taking your life back is your best bet to maintain and improve your relationship.

So, channel this energy towards your life and yourself. Go out with friends. Focus on your health. Go to the gym. Eat healthier. Pursue your goals. Focus on your career.

But most importantly, do this to take control of your life, not to get your partner to love you or treat you differently. Do this for yourself.

#2 Communicate your needs in this way.

Your ability to communicate in a secure, assertive, loving, and safe way will make a huge difference in the relationship. It will make it a safer place for both of you.

To achieve that, you need to do 2 things. We’ll cover them briefly below.

First off, don’t be a doormat. Avoidants challenge their partner by engaging in a wide range of intolerable behaviors. So, be crystal clear on what you’ll accept and what you will not.

Don’t suppress your needs just to keep your partner happy or with you. This is not good for both of you.

Second, talk about yourself. Express how you feel and what you need instead of criticizing your partner.

“I felt neglected. I’d love it if we could spend tomorrow together,” is better than shutting down or saying something like, “You always love to create distance between us. You don’t care about this relationship, do you?!”

By doing these 2 things, you will communicate in an assertive yet loving way. You’ll manage conflict in a better way. Handling conflict well is one of the best gifts you can give your avoidant partner, especially if they’re actively trying to work on themselves.

Speaking of avoidants working on themselves, some of you might be giggling while whispering, “That’s not gonna happen!” So, let’s quickly talk about it.

#3 Have the guts to assess if this relationship is good for you or not.

One of the first things you should assess here is your partner’s willingness to change. If they aren’t willing to change, you must compromise and accept whatever they give without expecting more. Are you willing to do that? And why?

If your partner isn’t willing to change, and you want more than they’re giving you now, it’ll be a miserable relationship. Are you willing to tolerate that? Why?

Take your time to answer these questions and any other ones that might come up.

I’m not here to tell you what to do. Context matters. I’m only inviting you to assess if the relationship is meeting your needs. And then decide what to do based on the context.

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