We’ve all heard it before. Lauren Poole argues that it’s time to bottle this one up.
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As a 20 year old, I was happily riding in the car, halfway listening to my mother chatter about boys, when she suddenly saw an opportunity to teach me a life lesson in sexual morality, the key to my romantic happiness, and spat out this quote, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
The look on her face was as if she had just won a presidential debate by the power of her inarguable point.
Of course, I was completely stunned by her appalling belief in this archaic ideology to the point where I couldn’t even reply. My mother was essentially saying that a man would never want to marry me if I had sex with him or cohabited with him before marriage.
She was calling me a cow! How could I be related to her?
Did she even understand the definition of gender stereotyping, much less modern dating? Did she know her daughter at all?
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I knew in my gut this was wrong. For weeks, I wrestled with how to articulate why. Fully confident in her ability to persuade me, it wasn’t long before she pounced on the opportunity to repeat this quote to me yet again, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?” she stated smugly, even more sure of herself than the first time. Now, however, I had a prepared response.
“Mom,” I started, with a sassy determination to state my case. “First of all, I would never want to marry a man whose only goal in marrying me was to get ‘free milk!’ Second of all, I want to marry a man who wants to marry me because he wants to marry me. Because he wants to be with me for the rest of his life. Because he loves me. Not because he couldn’t get sex from me any other way. I would never marry a man like that, who could even think that way.”
Utter silence.
I congratulated myself for my momentary victory inside my brain. But what really depressed me was the fact that my own mother viewed men as something for me to protect myself against. That, somehow, there was this game where men were trying to trick me into sex and I should win the game by tricking them into marrying me first. Never mind the fact that I might like sex, too, and that men might like marriage.
My own mother actually feared that the tragic fate of becoming an old maid would become my destiny if I didn’t play my cards just right. The worst part is that she sincerely believed this concept and truly wanted the best for me.
Plain and simple, am I not enough? Do I actually need to withhold such an intimate expression and force his hand into marriage?
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Thanks, Mom, for thinking a man wouldn’t want to marry me for me. Plain and simple, am I not enough? Do I actually need to withhold such an intimate expression and force his hand into marriage? Do I need to dangle my vagina like the proverbial carrot on a string? Well, I can answer that. No. I most certainly do not.
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What really sucks for men is that many women actually believe their mothers and grow up as young girls being taught that they must “guard their hearts.” It translates more like a warning than a lesson. We are left with a society of women who are defensive and closed, which is hard enough to overcome for an Aquarian like myself.
Women learn to be afraid of men, and that the worst possible destiny is to remain unmarried. Men must constantly prove themselves to earn our love and trust, and the greatest proof of all is by “putting a ring on it.”
This hurtful ideology imposes an incredible stress on men and women alike. Women equate their own self-worth by their marital status, often pressuring themselves into committing too soon rather than taking the time to discover their most fulfilled self and allowing themselves freedom to uncover precisely what that entails.
And really, it isn’t entirely personal at all. My mother is a byproduct of gender conditioning across the globe. Women have been inferior to men in every culture, in every era. My disappointment is that she can’t think beyond it and deconstruct the paradigm that insults men and women in such an unnatural way.
I am pleased to know a generation of women who are smart, strong, brilliant, educated and successful members of society. I am equally pleased to know a culture of men who are intellectual, compassionate, articulate, and sensitive.
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The concept that a man won’t marry a woman unless she withholds something valuable from him, primarily sex, completely degrades the character of men and paints this picture of masculinity as a heartless creature having no other organ than a penis.
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We are all humans.
Men and women are so much more alike than society would ever want us to know. The concept that a man won’t marry a woman unless she withholds something valuable from him, primarily sex, completely degrades the character of men and paints this picture of masculinity as a heartless creature having no other organ than a penis. It wrongly suggests that an aroused man is incapable of intimacy, emotion, or tenderness, which many people know to be untrue from experience. It falsely renders male sexuality as threatening rather than something to be celebrated.
This problem in our society goes both ways. Unfortunately, there are many men who also listen too carefully to their mothers (and fathers) and believe all this cow and milk bullshit. They grow up as boys, being taught that they shouldn’t respect a woman who doesn’t make them “work for it.”
Thus, the vicious cycle continues.
Women who have no hang-ups about their own pleasure and who unapologetically enjoy male sexuality are often punished for it by being rejected, or even worse, labeled. In this scenario, men are ironically dismissing women based on a superficial notion. They could be missing out on a fantastic love and selling themselves short all because the woman didn’t feel sexually repressed and did not perceive him as a threat, rather, as a human with a heartbeat.
On the other hand, how can women expect men to respect them and treat them as equals when women belittle themselves most of all?
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Women undermine their sisters, daughters, and friends by equating their own self-worth by the measure of a man’s commitment. Singlehood is not okay. Their mothers panic over it, leaving their daughters with an incredible pressure to get married ASAP and thus leaving men all the more weary of commitment, because it’s not authentic.
Now as a 28 year old, I feel guilty about the stretching disconnect between myself and my mother, who wants to connect so desperately. Yet, while on the phone two days ago, she once again found a way to interrupt me and warn me against moving in with my boyfriend. Mind you, my boyfriend and I have never even discussed this topic and have yet to consider the possibility. So why did my mother feel inclined to bring it up?
As irritated as I was in the moment, it really just makes me sad. As far as society has progressed since the Feminist movement, and as much as we preach Postfeminism, the epic challenge is actualizing these beliefs by recognizing the near unrecognizable verbalizations, such as gaslighting, that leave an enormous impression on our psyche.
Small comments that we easily dismiss in casual conversation can reveal enormous insight into our societal preconditioning, in men and women alike.
Awareness is our most powerful medicine.
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Let’s allow our behavior and our words to lovingly educate our mothers, fathers, sisters and brothers across the world. Deconstructing these paradigms and opening dialogues that allow our brains to evolve will certainly pave our most optimistic path in healing a society sore from the absorption of this “cow and milk” mentality.
So from here and onward, it’s free milk for everyone.
Photo: MarcoPapale /Flickr
It’s possible that you have over-reacted to this fairly old and old fashioned saying. It was a common saying back in the day, I would say till the 60s. Young women in those days did not have birth control readily available, and I was one of those young women at the time. When the Pill came out, of course everything changed. The fact is that life for young people became a sexual free-for-all, for better or worse. Young men, in fact, expected sex whether we wanted it or not, since there were no longer any consequences. Or were there? Young… Read more »
The Mom’s advice is right on if you are a Christian. The guy or girl does not love you if they are not willing to control their own privates.Besides, getting the milk for free keeps you from entering into the Kingdom of God according to the Bible.Just repent, turn away and wait for someone who also is willing to wait and honor God’s order.It builds trust before and after marriage.Enjoy this great gift within the boundaries of a committed and God ordained marriage.You also can find out much more about the person rather than the focus only on this area.
What this author promotes is the very feminism that is destroying the family, an aim of the atheistic one worlders. This same feminism demands that husbands “pay for the milk” after they marry their wives by giving authority of the woman’s body, along with the affairs of the household, over to his wife. Totally unGodly, but what the hey, she’s an aquarian, whatever that may mean in her unGody rebellion against “archaic” truth. When she hits the wall, the age most women suffer the loss of their youthful beauty as well as their best years of fertility, she might be… Read more »
I thought the same. When was 28 a young age?
Here’s to you from a more mature woman..what your mom was saying is have a value system..what incentive does a man have to marry someone if she cohabits with him and be a wife..I believe Marlene’s response is right on target. Why be his wife without the ring?
I think you got a little butthurt by what your mom said. Your mom is telling you the truth. I’m 24 and I know this, if you do everything a wife does for a man: live with him, cook, share everything give it up to him what’s a ring in the finger going to do? When the milk is free (by milk it’s not just sex. It’s EVERYTHING. YOU GIVE THE WIFE ROLE FOR FREE) why buy the damn cow. Listen to your mom.
I’m so happy there are younger girls around who actually listen to the valuable advice mothers give. Good for you Marlene.
I think when you are young and carefree it is easy to discount these old adages. But I can tell you now as a woman in my 40s, there is some truth to them. I think the having sex in an unmarried relationship is pretty much expected nowadays, so I wouldn’t take it that far, but we are seeing more and more couples live together, buy a house together, have children together, etc without marriage, and I do think this is a bit of the “why buy the cow ” phenomenon. I think even this day and age if you… Read more »
Now why would I marry a girl if she does all the things a wife can do without any of the commitment or obligation on my part? I wouldn’t and neither would most guys. There is a reason so many women are stuck in a fwb/cohabitation zone with a boyfriend that doesn’t want to get married. So lets work out a few things: 1) Men age better than women 2) Women become infertile with age, men have a cultural history of dating younger, there is an evolutionary advantage for men that prefer younger women and women preferring older men (who… Read more »
Here you go, author. Listen to this man.
It’s good that you try to think before accepting things. Now here’s something to think about or at least consider. Opposite genders are always drawn to each other by some means, and to fulfill some need. There’s always some attraction and some criteria for choosing who to be with, marry with etc., even in animals your can see this. So not only we are naturally looking for certain qualities in opposite sex, but also we look for most mature and perfect available person that carries those qualities. Your mother was absolutely right, as you too are. Men want women for… Read more »
Luzy, you the answer to your problems are right there in your comments. Men seen sex as an achievement simply because women make it so hard to get. You are wrong about most of what you have to say about women AND men. Men wouldn’t see women that are open to sex as sluts if so many women didn’t hold out so much. Sex is a natural act, but you seem to believe and WANT there to be manipulation going on for this to take place. You need that in your life because you are a manipulative bitch. It really… Read more »
Men use this statement more than women do; Once a woman have sex with him or open her feelings with him with out playing any manipulation game, she looses her “value” and is not longer considered for a committed relationship. Deep inside men are thought to follow mind games with women. A woman who genuinely is available and open to enjoy sex is labeled as easy and or a “slut”. So this so call liberated woman’s emotions are not considered and is seeing as a “player” or someone who will sleep with anyone or likely to be unfaithful. Until this… Read more »
What your mother didn’t tell you is that in mid-life you and/or your partner are likely to become lactose intolerant.
Haha, my boyfriend is already lactose intolerant. I’m probably not far behind!
“The concept that a man won’t marry a woman unless she withholds something valuable from him, primarily sex, completely degrades the character of men and paints this picture of masculinity as a heartless creature having no other organ than a penis.”
A man is far more likely to find sex withheld or non existent in marriage than otherwise. So, I caution men that they must avoid the expectation of generous and easy sex in marriage. It’s quite the contrary.
Btw, are not the majority of us men perceived as unattractive creeps by most women anyway?
“A man is far more likely to find sex withheld or non existent in marriage than otherwise. So, I caution men that they must avoid the expectation of generous and easy sex in marriage. It’s quite the contrary.” Why do you believe many women withhold sex? Why are they not enjoying it with their husbands; did they use to enjoy it before marriage? Why that happens so much with American men (American men married to foreigns also face a higher chance at having their spouse withhold sex at some point)? Also, I think your choice of words are… interesting and… Read more »
@ July, “Why that happens so much with American men….” You have to ask American women. The expectation of most men SHOULD be that sex is to be passionate, engaging, satisfying, respectful, lustful, and great for BOTH parties. A man who is a lover understands this. Because of the highly dysfunctional nature of sex in America, most American men are pretty sexually starved and repressed by the time they marry. Their expectation is that sex is natural, good, fun, pleasureful and should be frequent. Usually this is how it is BEFORE marriage. They eagerly look forward to a sex filled… Read more »
I had a whole reply for you but the GMP felt my old email address was spam even though I have posted here before. But how do you know that to be a fact? That women are far more sexually experienced than men. I believe that to be more equally, but for men sex is more of an achievement, a conquest to brag about instead of a way to get to know themselves in what they like or dislike. For women sex tends to be more a way to now themselves and to be able to say what feels good.… Read more »
I had a lot of great sex before marriage. I had even better sex after marriage. I have had INCREDIBLE sex while married, pregnant, and postpartum/as a new mom. So there go all the stereotypes, ever.
“Btw, are not the majority of us men perceived as unattractive creeps by most women anyway?”
Women find men, who generalize about women AND men, to be the creepiest of creepy.
Conversely (and speaking for only myself), the men & women I personally surround myself with, who don’t generalize about gender, I find to be the most incredibly sexy of all.
I wish free milk. Trying to find a partner for some is incredibly difficult and some are damn near forced to pay just to get a drink (if we’re keeping with the metaphor).
I take umbrage with your point about Women being inferior to men in all cultures and all eras, that’s a very broad sweeping statement. Whilst there is dispute over a pure matriarchal culture, there are many examples of cultures where women held positions of authority and power in their cultures. For example in some Native American cultures women had sexual freedom, and authority in their tribes. I applaud the rest of your article, I found it insightful. The broad generalisation which ignores the huge diversity of cultures out there, has left me disappointed, as I wonder what other details that… Read more »
@Saqid,
“I take umbrage with your point about Women being inferior to men in all cultures and all eras, that’s a very broad sweeping statement.”
Yes. It is also totally untrue.
Women learn to be afraid of men, and that the worst possible destiny is to remain unmarried.
If there is any kind of stringens or logic in this statement, it totally eschews me… 🙂
If men really were that dangerous or intimidating, wouldn’t it be far better to totally avoid them or at least give them a really wide berth, instead of figuratively chain yourself to one of them for life…?
Men are both the most dangerous to women, and also the most likely to sacrifice their lives to protect women with more of the latter being around.
Archy,
Only few men are dangerous to women. It is not very different than the percentage of men who are criminals. It is a very very small % of the overall male population.
This just continues to perpetuate this rubbish that we men are brutal and thuggish towards women. Why look at the number of women who sleep with dangerous/criminal men. Yet, the entire male population gets indicted when that same man is violent with her.
I am really sick of this notion that we men are just animals waiting to pounce on innocent women.
@FlyingKal,
Also, we see daily women dating (read having sex with) dangerous men. We see women flocking to musicians, bad boys, rappers, and other womanizers who treat them like crap. Does not discourage them!!!
The simple point about it is that women learn things that are incosistent and contradictory. Just one more reason to unlearn such rubbish.
We were lied to, but so were our parents and grandparents. The same lie got passed down generation
after generation till it became the truth. Men got the same messages, just from a different direction. We
have been told our only reason to exist is to provide and/or die. Read The Manipulated Man by Esther
Vilar and Men On Strike by Helen Smith. Marriage is not the solution to problems, it is too often the
cause of them.