Why “Casual Sex” Rarely Has Casual Consequences

No matter how casually you treat the sexual act, you and your life (and the lives of your partners) are worth more than that. 

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You know, it’s a wise man who once said, “To connect the dots, you must look backwards, not forwards.” I thought about that when I went peeping (hmph, more like snooping) on Facebook via someone else’s account last week. For a myriad of reasons, I’m not on social media (at all), but like the billions of folks who are, sometimes my curiosity, especially regarding people from my past, gets the best of me.

And boy, did it get the best of me a few days ago.

Before I get into all of that, let me share two things that I’ve heard, basically since college, that have never made much sense to me.

One relates to marriage when folks say “It’s just a piece of paper.” The title to your car is more than just a piece of paper. So is the deed to your house. So yeah, a marriage license/certificate is not like a piece of ruled school paper. Ask anyone who is married (or has been married before) and I believe they will certainly attest to that!

The other is the phrase “casual sex.” Casual literally means “without definite or serious intention; careless or offhand; passing.” Even if two people choose to see the act of sex in that way, being that they are the ones having the intercourse, I’m not so sure they should see themselves as being treated “without serious intention” or “carelessly.” Or another definition of casual which is “apathetic” (there’s a really interesting video that you might want to check out on how sex affects people, especially women, scientifically here.)

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And I say all of that because in my 20s (I’ve been abstinent since I was 32 and I’m now 41), I had my fair share of so-called casual sex. All these years later, I see that it wasn’t what it was cracked up to be (fleeting moments of pleasure) and the consequences are quite lasting. And impacting.

Which brings me to my Facebook discovery.

Back in 2004, I wrote my first book. My brother gave me the title because he said it would be a good play on words: Inside of Me: Lessons of Lust, Love and Redemption. It was basically what I call my “sexual autobiography” because it talks about all of the lessons I learned from having sex; mostly with guys who were not boyfriends. They were more like the R. Kelly throwback song Homie-Lover-Friend. They were what many people would call “casual sex partners.” Anyway, there are four of them who, from 1993-1999, I got pregnant by — and then had abortions.

I know everyone has their own personal, religious and/or political views on abortion. This ain’t about all that. I will say that as a doula, I personally don’t see anything “casual” about pregnancy either, in any stage (just ask a woman who’s had a miscarriage.) But this isn’t about if abortion is “right” or “wrong”. This is about what I heard a teenager once say on a corny Lifetime movie when she found herself having an unplanned pregnancy: “All of the options suck.” When you’re not ready to have a baby, that is pretty much the sentiment. All of the choices — keep, abort, give up for adoption — are life-altering.

You usually don’t realize just how much until so much later.

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And now we’re finally at the Facebook discovery. After my third abortion, my mother said something to me that continues to ring in my head: “Shellie, you’re going to have all of these abortions and these men are going to go on to have kids.”

To be fair, my first abortion was from a boyfriend and he never wanted me to do it. To this day, in many ways, he’s still healing from that decision (one that he was not included in.) But the other three? Oh, they couldn’t get me to a clinic soon enough! And until I went onto Facebook, what I knew was that the first guy now has four children, the third has two and the last has one (the last two are also married.) For some reason, though, it wasn’t until I hopped onto the second guy’s profile page and saw that he now has a baby as well that I was a bit emotionally shook.

Maybe because he’s the oldest out of everyone. (Men can have kids forever; women can’t.)

Maybe because last I checked, children weren’t a priority to him.

Or maybe, just maybe, it was because my mom’s prediction came true.

All of the men I was once pregnant by, now have children.

And I … don’t.

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I’m not gonna blame the men for my abortions. That’s not where this article is going. Even with them asking me to do it, it was still my choice. Where I am going with this is that back in my 20s, when I was not nearly as self-loving, self-aware or wise, I took sex to be more about fun than intimacy, pregnancy to be more about a problem than a life-changing situation, and the men’s influence as being more important than my own wants and needs.

As a result of casual sex, I’m dealing with some really serious consequences.

And while this might seem like a piece that should go on a women’s site, it’s by design that I’m writing it to the men. Men who engage in casual sex who are doing it with women who may, at least right now, think it’s all good.

I would just like to plant three seeds to think about before the next time that you engage:

Sex should still hold some value. Yeah, I know that we live in the hook-up culture but one thing that makes human beings different from animals is that we’re able to have sex beyond our instincts or “being in heat.” We can think our actions through and when we decide to share our bodies, even in those times that we’ll never get back with someone, it should still hold some sort of value. Because our bodies and time are valuable. It may sound old-fashioned, but some things from back in the day can prove to be real lifesavers in the long run. (At least just think about it.)

Friends shouldn’t be treated casually. “Friends with benefits”? Honestly, to me, that’s kind of a joke. In theory, I get why people think it would work but that means casual sex is going down, right? So what happens when one (or both) develops feelings? What happens if there is a pregnancy as a result? What happens when one is ready to pursue a relationship? When you’re friends with someone, it should be about having good intentions towards them. This means that you have their best interest at heart no matter what your hormones may want from the situation. All four of those guys were once my friends. I’m not saying the sex wasn’t (physically) good. I’m saying the loss of the friendship wasn’t worth it.

Decisions made now can impact you way into your future. So, am I mad about the way my life vs. the way the lives of the men I was once pregnant by turned out? No. We were friends before anything else and so I know that they have some qualities worthy of fatherhood. I’m happy for them and my life is also pretty full. However, I am feeling a bit of a sting in the sense that I never really thought about how my choices in 1993, 1994, 1997 and 1999 would impact 41-year-old-Shellie. Honestly, I didn’t give much thought at all beyond “This is what they want, I’m not sure what I think about being pregnant and so I’ll focus on the here and now.” I’ll be the first to say that sex is a beautiful and fulfilling thing. It’s also something that none of us can afford to be flippant about because the fact that sex can result in some unprepared for things like pregnancies, STDs, loss of relationships, etc., it deserves processing it as more than a physical activity or release.

I can’t change the past but hopefully this can help people to rethink their decisions in the future.

It’s my own testimony, and everyone’s story is different, but as my mother (also) says “Discernment prevents experience from being your teacher.” That said, please at least think about all that I personally shared. I am a living witness that casual sex? Whether it’s for men or women, it rarely has casual consequences. Or immediate ones.

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Photo: Getty Images