My first date with Lisa wasn’t supposed to be a date.
Dave Matthews Band was coming to town.
She needed a ticket, I had an extra.
We were business acquaintances, and I was providing the ticket, so she said she’d buy dinner. Funny thing: She didn’t actually want to see Dave Matthews Band – she wanted to see the opening band, Vertical Horizon.
BUT.
We had such a good time at dinner, we missed Vertical Horizon!
I can’t tell you much about Dave Matthews Band either, because we spent the whole night talking, laughing, and finding out about one another.
We’ve been together ever since.
We love telling that story because:
1. It’s unexpected… and
2. It has all the elements of what makes a great date.
It’s simple — Dates are good for your marriage
I’ve written about dating your spouse before.
- It’s important.
- You should be consistent about it.
- You have to decide as a couple when and how you’re going to work dates into your schedule.
Dating your spouse satisfies parts of both the male and female brain
Here’s what I mean:
What do you do on a date?
- You spend an extended amount of time together. Lisa and I spent nearly 7 hours together that night.
- Many times it includes food. We went to a local Mexican restaurant.
- You spend time catching up/talking. Lisa and I knew each other casually, so we spent lots of time laughing and asking one another questions.
- It includes something fun or unique. We went to see a concert together.
- And a good portion of the time, it includes sex. Lisa and I weren’t married yet, so there was no sex, but there was a really good first kiss…and maybe even a second one!
(By the way — Dating your spouse doesn’t always include sex, but a lot of times it can!)
How Dating satisfies the wife’s brain
- Dates are an extended amount of time with someone she cares about
- Good conversation happens between the couple (this stimulates oxytocin in her brain — which registers nearly as powerfully as an orgasm for her)
- There are usually questions and answers and chatting about parts of life they haven’t talked about in a while
They enjoy each other’s company - They stimulate one another’s thoughts and feelings
- They’re being flirty and fun — she feels loved and important to him
Women’s brains love that!
How dating satisfies the husband’s brain too
- He’s doing something fun and interesting with his partner for an extended period of time
- He likes doing entertaining things with people he cares about deeply (He feels loved because he’s sharing a unique experience with his wife)
- He can enjoy laughter and flirtatiousness with her
- Guys love food
- Guys love sex (Orgasm stimulates oxytocin in his brain)
*notice: oxytocin stimulation isn’t the same for husbands and wives!*
If all those things are happening — it appeals to both the husband and wife and leads to more connection between them.
Do this:
Set up a date with your spouse, (maybe revisit where you had your first date?) and enjoy your time reconnecting!
…
About Stu Gray
Stu created the ‘Stupendous Marriage’ podcast with his wife Lisa in 2010. They’ve been encouraging challenging and inspiring married couples ever since. Want to have deeper conversations with your spouse? Ask some of these questions to connect more deeply!
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Wiktor Karkocha on Unsplash
