I was coming home the other day and saw a man do something in public that I was rather incredulous that a person would be doing in public. At first, I was like, “That is so wrong!” and just not computing that this behavior took place. But then I thought about the context of things and how this person probably does not normally act that way.
Sometimes we are so quick to convict someone of wrongness, when maybe the situation instead calls for “active listening” as Thich Nhat Hanh presents it. We are so quick to listen to our own thoughts, but we are also given the chance to listen to what someone else is communicating with their words and actions. I listened to the greater context of these men’s actions and saw that there is most likely a lot more going on than I am aware of and that their behavior is most likely not a character flaw at all.
I am in a number of social contexts where most people are a few decades older than me. Of course challenges happen to young people too, but aging is a profound process that is deeply individual and full of surprises, some of which are gradual, some of which are sudden, but most of which are terribly difficult to deal with both for the person being challenged and for the people who care about that person.
Even when you are fortunate enough to be able to age quite youthfully, there is still that uncertainty that so many calamities are happening to your peers, what if you turn a corner and do not get to be the man who is so responsible and capable and high achieving anymore? If your performance fails, will your relationships fail with it?
Also, so many of us are on prescription medications for one reason or another. Medicine is a wonderful thing and can bring much needed healing, but sometimes there are side effects that can be very challenging and quite beyond the realm of the specific ailment that is being addressed.
So many of us have lived through oppressive circumstances with men and witnessed horrible men in our culture that we expect lots of other men to fail and to be their worst. A number of men have indeed intentionally been their worst, brought utter devastation to individuals’ lives, and now their actions provoke people to see the worst in other men who have not earned this perspective. What about the good men?!
My perspective is that a man’s guts and substance are what defines him. If you are made of good stuff, that good stuff will continue to be how your loved ones define you even if a circumstance that is difficult to handle happens to you or if you age or if a medication changes your chemistry or whatever. If other people are too judgmental or too unknowing to give you credit for all that you have going for you, that is just how life is. If they weren’t judging you for this struggle, they would be judging you for another struggle.
Men who are made of high quality character that give people around them the opportunity to experience such positive moments – you are greatly appreciated! Thank you for having this.
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This post is republished on Medium.
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