Why Do We Hesitate to Talk About Our Not So Perfect Relationships?

Being married has its own share of life lessons, experiences and problems.

Yes, PROBLEMS!

Yet, why is no one talking about them?

Marriage is one of the most beautiful yet one of the most challenging relationships we humans enter into. There’s no one perfect ‘mantra’ for a successful marriage and experience is the best teacher.

Yet, why do people chose to present an ideal reflection of their married life?

Is it even a marriage if it is without clashes or problems?

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A close of friend of mine got married a couple of years ago. I had recently called her to catch up and I asked her, “How’s everything?”

She said, “Its all good. Its going on.”

I replied and said, “Fair enough, hope all is well”.

After a brief pause, I managed to tell her that she can tell me anything, especially if something at her (married) home is bothering her. I had felt from her voice and her tone that something was not right. Maybe she was unhappy and things may not be as great as she portrays in her Instagram stories.

She assured me in a confident voice that everything was good, you know, nothing like that.

I did not push. I was assuming things about her married life and I did not want to invade her boundaries unless she wanted me to.

On the contrary, I am a talker and so when my turn came, I spilled out everything — the good, the challenging and the problematic part and she comforted me saying that this is all very normal and just be patient, everything will be fine.

I felt good, relaxed and heard but when I finished talking to her, I also felt a little bit like a fool. I had gone on and on about the details of my married life while she spoke hardly a bit of it. Some years back, it wasn’t like this. She used to blurt it all out about her not-so-loving boyfriend and the mess she felt she was in. She used to tell me everything about her imperfect and a bit emotionally exploitative relationship. So, why not anymore?

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Marriage is different but it is still a relationship right?

I do not understand people’s reluctance in opening up about the flaws of their married life. I do not understand why the label of a marriage silences the negative expressions. I do not understand why is it important for people to show the world that they are in a perfectly happy marriage and things couldn’t be better for them.

I get it, people talk, they will judge and only a handful with empathize but here is the thing —
Talking helps. It helps you gain an alternative and/or an experienced perspective. No matter how small the problem may be, sharing about it with your best people can help you address it more maturely. You need not necessarily have to blame yourself or your partner for the unseen situations you both find yourselves in. It may not be anyone’s fault and yet problems may persist.

A marriage is supposed to be happy and healthy but just like everything else, it has its dark sides too.

Start by acknowledging ‘the problem’.

A lot also depends on how you share things. Certainly, if you use a complaining tone and rant your problems out, others are ought to understand your struggles as intense and more problematic but if you share your experiences in a format such as that of self-reflection or loud introspection, it may serve the dual purpose of sharing while portraying your relationship as untainted.

Don’t just talk about the problems but also talk about how you are addressing them.

Of course, we all eventually learn how to deal with our married life, but talking about “how” you do/did it can certainly help your friends or cousins who are seeking a direction or settling in a new marriage!

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Am I really the fool who shares ‘everything’?

Am I also supposed to portray only the best, if at all?

Am I also supposed to live by the pride of my decision and excitement to get married and not mention how challenging it has been?

Am I also supposed to flaunt my imperfect relationship as perfect?

What am I supposed to talk with my friend the next time I call her, if she again choses to remain silent about her relationship? She has either stopped trusting me or she is simple too proud to share.

Maybe I am still learning how to talk about marriages. Maybe if I was in a bad marriage, I would not want others to know about it but problems in a marriage need not always be extreme such as violence, cheating or abuse. It can me as small as an unmet expectation or even the differences you and your spouse are learning about each other.

Why aren’t we taught to embrace imperfections in relationships as we are told to embrace our own flaws?

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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