Why Do You Always Date the Same Type of Person?

We aim at what we see.

If we don’t see that person in our visual field, we’re never going to find them.

Even if they’re in front of us.

It doesn’t make sense. How are we not seeing someone who’s there?

How don’t we see that tender freckled girl smiling at us when we ask her where the men’s clothes are? Or that shy boy with the glasses repairing our phone and being extremely patient with all our questions?

It’s simply because that person doesn’t fit our idea of how a love partner should look like.

She has freckles, next!

He’s too shy, move on!

That internal picture guides our attention. We’ll only see what we want to see. We’re blind to everything else.

Let’s look at how attention works and then learn how to shift our perspective from our desires to our needs. That’s when you’ll stop falling for the same type of person again and again.

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Our attention is an expensive resource

Cognitive psychologist Daniel Simons showed us that what we choose to look at blinds us from everything else happening around us.

He called it sustained intentional blindness.

If you want to try it out, here’s a quick test to see what I’m talking about. Watch the following video from Simons and Chabris’ test from 1999 before you continue reading.

The test goes like this. People are asked to focus on one thing, count the number of times the ball passes among team players. Then they’d tell the answer to the researchers. Most would get it right and think they’ve passed the test.

But then Simons would ask something else, catching people off guard: “Did you see the gorilla?”

Thinking the researchers were teasing them, they would watch the video again but this time without counting. They’d soon realize that they had completely missed a man dressed in a gorilla suit walking right in the middle of the screen.

How could this be?

Our attention is limited. Once we choose where to pay attention we miss out on many things. Even a gorilla right in front of us.

Attention is expensive so we have to use it wisely.

Otherwise, a narrow aim will make you skip the important things.

Don’t let your desires make you blind to your needs.

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Take a closer look into your desires

If you feel something is not working in your life, reexamine your core values.

Holding on to certain desires might blind you from other possibilities. Possibilities outside your current scope. Clinging so tightly to your wants doesn’t allow you to see anything else.

Let’s get back to the search for the ideal man or woman.

This person must be:

Woman: blonde with blue eyes, thin, and shorter than me.
Man: at least 6 feet tall (1.83m), fit, have a beard, and makes “x” amount of money.

“If I could just find someone like this I would be happy”, you think to yourself.

This is what you want.

But how many people go by that don’t look like that and are still funny, kind, loyal, and easygoing?

All those people are not even discarded by you because your narrow focus doesn’t allow them to even be considered potential partners.

You miss opportunities you didn’t know you had!

However, it’s not as easy as telling yourself to change your view on this issue.

You have to shift your mindset towards your deeper needs. What’s behind that ideal partner? What are you really looking for?

You might want to find someone that understands you, and that will help you grow and make your life better. Whatever it is, first determine the core need.

If that means something other than that ideal person, then so be it.

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Shifting your viewpoint

Once you dig into those deeper needs, you let the outcome take different forms.

That love partner doesn’t have to necessarily fit that ideal.

They have to fit broader terms like kindness which can manifest in many different ways.

Your narrow and concrete vision now expanded significantly.

This wider scope invites more opportunities into your life. More people fit into this idea of a love partner than before. A kind person can take many forms.

This mind shift only works if you genuinely want to change that aspect of your life. You can’t lie to yourself and only make a superficial change to your perception. The old ways will prevail eventually.

This happens when men and women say:

“Why do I always find the same type of person?”

“It’s as if I always end up dating the same one”.

You’re still aiming with your old vision.

That’s why you keep falling onto the same patterns again and again. You haven’t done a thorough sweep of your psyche. You’ve only scratched the surface thinking it was enough.

Well, it wasn’t.

As Jordan Peterson says in his book “12 Rules For Life”:

“We only see what we aim at. The rest of the world (and that’s most of it) is hidden”

How do you know you’ve changed from the inside out?

Let’s say you’ve done the work.

You’ve cleaned your mind from old patterns and you’ve taken responsibility for your past actions.

Now what?

The symptoms of a mind shift are as follows (pertaining to our love partner example):

You start seeing and admiring the traits you longed for in others (kindness, loyalty, etc.).
You start hanging out with people that make you feel better. For instance, instead of having interactions that lead to mean behaviors, now these lead to gentleness.
You find people you weren’t attracted to before more appealing. If you look closer, you’ll find that these people possess the traits you value the most.

You’re presented with new information, new encounters, and new experiences.

And this hidden world now discloses in front of you.

It has a positive impact on your life.

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Caution: we’ve just started changing

This shift doesn’t mean the work is done.

You’ll be sloppy at first.

You might meet someone nice but screw up because of the shadow of the old patterns. You might still try to engage in ways that don’t fit the new you.

You’ll tease them to be mean. That’s what you liked before from your man, right? He’ll be distant and even cold for a while. That makes him mysterious and you love it. But then, you’ll see that you’re inducing that person to behave like all your other exes. You’ll catch yourself in the act and stop it before it gets out of hand.

It’ll take time to adjust, but you’re determined to improve.

You’ll ask for forgiveness and learn from your mistakes.

You’ll do better next time.

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