In 1995, psychologist and science journalist Daniel Goleman published a book introducing most of the world to the fascinating concept of emotional intelligence.
A concept that’s quite misunderstood by many, due to the term “intelligence”.
Are only clever birds emotionally intelligent? No. Emotional intelligence has nothing to do with your IQ levels. You might be the smartest person in the room and still have very low emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence refers to one’s ability to recognize and manage both theirs and other people’s emotions.
Emotional intelligence is vital for sustaining a happy, healthy relationship with another person.
Cheating doesn’t make you a bad person. I’d like to clarify that. But, it makes you someone with low emotional intelligence.
Emotional intelligence involves four major skills:
- The ability to perceive emotions.
- The ability to reason with emotions.
- The ability to understand emotions.
- The ability to manage emotions.
According to psychologists, a person who cheats on their partner probably lacks one or more of these skills.
Inability to Perceive Emotions
Emotionally intelligent people pay attention to what they are feeling. They recognize their moods, emotions, and feelings. They also understand how these three affect the people around them.
That’s called self-awareness and is one of the key components of emotional intelligence.
As spokesperson Krishna Saagar Rao once said:
“Feelings trigger thoughts. Some thoughts drive actions. Being ignorant of what feelings are driving your thoughts and actions, is being emotionally unaware.”
When you can’t monitor your emotional states, you find yourself in an emotional dead-end.
In an attempt to get out of it, you might do certain actions that you’ll probably regret later. One of them, of course, is cheating.
Inability to Reason with Emotions
We’re all guided by both reason and emotion, and both play an important role in our life, especially when it comes to our relationships. Emotions can be influenced by thoughts and thoughts are influenced by emotions.
Now, reason is not the enemy of emotions. In fact, an emotionally intelligent person knows how crucial it is to be able to reason with their emotions.
That’s because our emotions can cloud our judgment and lead us to morally ambitious actions.
Are your emotions justified? Would it be right to act on them?
Emotionally intelligent people are in tune with how they feel, but they do not let their emotions rule their lives. They are able to reason with them.
Emotionally unintelligent people, on the other hand, are characterized by an inability to reason with their emotions. Therefore, they make irrational decisions, such as cheating on their partner.
Inability to Understand Emotions
Emotionally intelligent people are able to correctly identify the underlying causes of their emotions.
Imagine you rarely see your partner due to their work overload. Then, one day they tell you they’re thinking about going on vacation with their friends. You get angry and you start a big fight over how much time they spend with their friends.
The result is you coming off as jealous and controlling when in reality, you don’t have any problem with your partner spending time with their friends; you just want them to make some more time with you too.
Identifying the underlying causes of your emotions is necessary in order to understand what’s really troubling you about your partner; then you can discuss the problem and find a solution together.
According to psychotherapy counselor Claire McRitchie,
“Emotional intimacy or intelligence is essential for a healthy relationship — and whilst it cannot always guarantee fidelity — it does stand a relationship in good stead. How often have we heard [someone] say ‘[they] just don’t understand me’? It sounds like a cliché — but often it has its base in the truth; the person doing the cheating feels unheard, or unseen — but they are perhaps not communicating in the way they should and so of course are not understood.”
People with low emotional intelligence not only are incapable of understanding their emotions but are also seemingly oblivious to other’s feelings too.
They may act surprised by how much their infidelity hurt their partner, and get angry when the latter doesn’t plan on forgiving them.
Cheating is an insensitive behavior. And emotionally unintelligent people tend to behave insensitively.
Understanding your emotions helps you express how you feel and understand how others are feeling. This allows you to communicate more effectively and forge stronger relationships.
Inability to Manage Emotions
One of the biggest reasons people cheat is their inability to manage their emotions and make the appropriate adjustments to their love life.
That’s called emotional regulation.
People who cannot manage their emotions, lash out reactively without understanding what they are really feeling or why they are so upset.
They are incapable of using their emotions to make constructive decisions about their behavior.
They can become overwhelmed and lose control of themselves.
Think about a time when you felt stressed or overwhelmed by fear, anger, or jealousy. Was it easy to think clearly or make a rational decision?
People with low emotional intelligence are unable to control their impulsive feelings and behaviors. Thus, they manage their emotions in unhealthy ways — for example, by cheating on their partner.
As Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, writes in his book:
“There is perhaps no psychological skill more fundamental than resisting impulse.”
Final Thoughts
Emotional intelligence is a major factor in a relationship’s success.
Sometimes I think that our society has become immune to infidelity and cheating in a romantic relationship.
More and more people cheat on their partners and then justify their actions by saying they have made a small, momentary mistake with no greater significance to their relationship.
Yes, we all make mistakes. We’re human. Sometimes we find ourselves in peculiar situations and don’t know what is the right way of acting.
But, cheating is not a momentary mistake. It’s a whole process. It’s a choice.
And sometimes, the reason behind this choice is a person’s low emotional intelligence.
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Previously published on medium
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Photo credit: by Thirteen .J on Unsplash