Why Focus on Self-Love this Valentine’s Day

It must be true, because Brené Brown, University of Houston researcher and beloved leadership guru, said it in her latest book, Atlas of the Heart: “we can love others only as much as we love ourselves.”

That doesn’t stop most of us from wanting to cover our ears, pull the sheet over our heads, or run far, far away from such an outrageous suggestion.

“Of course, I can love others more than I love myself,” we might mutter to ourselves. Brown’s finding, bolstered by rigorous research, might feel like a disturbing, maybe even painful, punch in the gut. Why? Because, for most of us, the idea of loving ourselves sounds far-fetched, self-indulgent, or downright impossible.

But if Brown’s finding is true, this Valentines’ Day we might want to try a new tack for finding love or gifting our significant other: focusing on self-love first.

Why self-love is hard

We live in a self-improvement culture. We’re rewarded for the desire to strive, achieve and push ourselves. When we get promoted, produce more efficiently, work long hours or pursue rigorous goals, we’re congratulated. We’re told that to not seek more and better, whether it comes to career, wealth, fitness, health, or self-actualization, is to settle—a word that carries some pretty loaded judgment. The game is to keep going and don’t stop. Ever.

So how can we allow ourselves to simply love ourselves for who we are now? There’s a commonly held belief that if we were to accept and love who we are and where we are now, we would lose motivation. Pressure to grow, many believe, is the fuel that pushes us to achieve more. Self-love, on the other hand, must be a formula for complacency. Or so the logic goes.

Moreover, self-love for many of us feels unnatural. How many of us would choke on the phrase, “I love myself” or even, “I care about myself”? It feels self-centered and self-congratulating in a world where “narcissist” is a name reserved for the worst among us. Self-love is not a muscle we’ve been taught how to flex.

Why self-love matters

If you do want to deepen your relationships, find love, or feel more connected to the people you meet, self-love matters. And if Brené Brown is right and we can only love others as much as we love ourselves, then to have truly loving partnerships, self-love matters a lot.

Think of it this way: our issues are like secondhand smoke. We think we’re only hurting ourselves, yet our shadows, self-judgment and occasional self-loathing – are wafting into our behaviors, beliefs, words and interactions. As much as we may try to hide them or keep them from poisoning our relationships, the way we feel about ourselves is the foundation from which we engage with the world around us.

I’ve noticed that the more judgmental people are of themselves, the more judgmental they are of others. When I hear people putting down an acquaintance for a minor moral failing or demonizing an off-color tweet from a total stranger, I’m reminded of the rigorous, impossible-to-maintain standards they hold themselves to everyday. I know that the voice they use to criticize others is perhaps a kinder version of the voice they use against themselves. After all, it’s people who hold themselves to the highest, most impossible standards who are often unwilling to forgive others’ for their imperfections.

The flip-side is true as well. As we learn to cultivate kindness and forgiveness toward ourselves, we’re more willing to extend it to others—both to strangers and to the people we love most.

How to practice self-love

So for those of us with a self-love muscle on the verge of atrophy, where do we begin? The good news is you don’t have to start with “I love myself” or any of the cringe-inducing self-love language that might have you feeling like you’re back in a 1992 episode of Barney.

What if, for now, self-love can just start with a little extra kindness toward yourself? My favorite form of self-kindness is simply validating when things feel difficult. For example, I’m irritable because I’m on a deadline, haven’t slept well in days, and am trying to meet unrealistic expectations that are out of my control. Or, I’m feeling low because I’m in a transition, experiencing a high level of uncertainty, and have legitimate fears about the future. These validating words aren’t to justify bad behavior, they simply acknowledge that sometimes life is hard, and we can’t always be the most perfect version of ourselves. A little forgiveness for ourselves goes a long way.

If you prefer something more tangible, you can try placing your hands on your heart. I like to do it in bed before lying down to sleep. You might even try silently saying a few kind things to yourself like, “You did good today,” “You’re making the best of a hard time” or “It’s ok not to be perfect.” But even sitting silently still sends the signal that you’re in harmony with yourself. It’s a white flag—an opportunity to put down the whip of self-flagellation and simply be with yourself from a place of care.

If self-kindness really doesn’t come easily for you, you might try the Buddhist loving-kindness practice called metta. In one version of the practice, you start by conjuring up an image of someone that is easy for you to love. It can be a child, a pet, a friend, or a family member. Allow the feeling of love, or simply care, to arise as you silently offer kind words to your chosen subject. You might say silently, “May you be safe. May you be happy. May you feel peace.” After repeating these phrases a few times, allow yourself to imagine them saying these words back to you, receiving them as best you can. It might feel rote at the beginning, but repetition makes it easier – and more real – over time.

Self-love pays off

If the idea of self-love still has you turning green in the face, remember that you’re not really doing it for you. Self-love isn’t selfish—it’s a gift to offer to others. When you’re kind, compassionate and forgiving to yourself, you actually develop the ability to offer the same care to others. When you increase your capacity to love yourself, you increase your capacity to love the people in your life more deeply.

That’s why this Valentines’ Day, try focusing on self-love. Not out of bitterness or to give the middle finger to another Hallmark holiday (although that’s fine too), but because loving yourself might just be a prerequisite to fully loving others. Whether you’re single or partnered come February 14th, give the people in your life the gift of you loving you.

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