Why Friendship Is Mandatory in Love

You’ve probably heard the saying, “friendship is the foundation of a good relationship.” For those of us who have heard it, and believe it, ask yourself, “Am I actually living it?”

When we meet someone we find attractive, are we gauging their ability to be a friend? Or are we focused on the romantic angle?

I remember when I was introduced to the friendzone — both the concept and the experience — in college. It was a place where your desires for sexual activity would not be met because the person you liked classified you as a friend, not a romantic partner.

As a result, you had to ensure that anyone you liked would not think of you as a friend. You had to present yourself in literally any way other than friend or buffoon. You could be mysterious, smooth, wild, aloof or even disturbed and that would keep you in the running.

Nowadays we don’t really use the term “friendzone” because that’s been absorbed by the term, “simp.”

Nevertheless, it became clear that there was a dilemma. On one hand, you have the choice to be this person’s friend in order for the relationship to have a fighting chance. On the other hand, you have to ensure you are not this person’s friend in order for the relationship to have a fighting chance.

What do you do? Well, it depends on what you want.

If you just want sex, there is no need to focus on friendship. I would suggest that you at least consider the unwritten laws of common decency but friendship isn’t necessary if sex is the end goal.

However, if you want a relationship that works, if you want a relationship that, even if it ends, it will end on good terms, friendship is mandatory. Why is this?

If you want a relationship that works, you must first know if you even like the person. If you really value them, you have a friend. But this means that they have to like and value you too, otherwise it would be a one-sided friendship.

If you have a one-sided friendship on your hands or you don’t even like them, there’s no point in continuing down this road. But if you both like and value each other as people, then the foundation is set for more to be built upon.

So here’s the deal. If you don’t have friends, you are (probably) a walking, talking red flag. It implies that you don’t like people or that you’re desperate for people to like you. The respective remedy for each issue is to forgive the people that hurt you and to value and respect yourself so that you don’t chase people.

But what would happen if you meet someone you’re attracted to and start with the romantic approach?

The reason people recommend you approach someone as a friend, especially if you’re attracted to them already, is because the only way to know if someone can be a friend is to approach them as a friend.

If you approach someone romantically, all you’ll ever know is whether or not they can be with you romantically. You might gauge that they are a good friend, but you will never experience that because you approached them as a romantic partner, not as a friend.

As a result, you lose all the safety of friendship by jumping ahead into the trickier terrain of romance. But let’s finally address the elephant in the room.

How can you know that by being someone’s friend that that will cause a relationship to happen?

So many dating gurus advise people to avoid the friendzone and to avoid being a simp. To be a friend first sounds like relationship suicide, doesn’t it?

Ultimately, being a friend first does not guarantee success. The reason for this is because many of the people that you’re attracted to will not approach people they are attracted to with friendship.

They may want a relationship that works but they erroneously choose to focus on romance instead of building a foundation of friendship first.

As a result, they will not see you as a viable option. Some might even consider you lame and call your approach stupid. These people are likely headed into a romance that will eventually turn sour.

And, of course, some people may fake being friends when their primary goal was sex all along.

Be thankful that things don’t always work out because they cannot truly value you because they never took the time to be your friend; they never took the time to see if they actually liked and valued you as a person.

Remember what I asked in the beginning: how many of us actually try to establish a friendship first versus “going in for the kill?”

The fact of the matter is that most people are going in for the kill; they’re going for romance. They may say that the friendship stuff is important but their actions show that it is secondary to them.

However, if you compare the relationships of those who genuinely found love in a friendship versus those who dived headfirst into romance, you will probably see what I saw. One relationship is oozing love, the other is hanging on by a thread, if not destroyed.

So if you are one of those people who are wondering, “Where are all the good men/women?” I hate to break it to you but they are seeking friendships where they hope to unearth love and sex. You (probably) wouldn’t know a good man/woman if they pinched you on the ass because that would be an act of someone who is focused on romance and sex.

But it’s like I said before: if you want sex, you don’t have to focus on friendship. But if you want a good relationship, you must have your priorities straight.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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