About this time of year social media feeds becomes covered by beaming faces excited for the school year that awaits them. For the younger ones, it may be their first time riding the bus alone. For the even younger ones, they’re preparing for the transition from nursery school to pre-K.
Whatever the case, it’s nearly impossible to dodge pictures of adorable children and not feel a twinge of envy. I don’t know when baby fever hit me, but I’m definitely more aware of it in the last year. I look at little babies and wonder what my own will look like. It wasn’t until recently, though, I felt some anxiety about fatherhood.
How does a father teach his daughter to see herself beyond traditional roles and the narrow lanes society will aim to place her in while also affirming her right to choose tradition?
|
The subject of father-daughter relationships often gets relayed in the context of melodramatic struggle. We harp on a daughter’s rebellion or we obsess over our own selfish desire to cling to the “little princess” fantasy. Contrarily, we bear witness to the collateral damage of an absentee father. What we don’t always examine about this precious relationship is the point of view that exclusively involves gender roles and a father’s accountability.
Generally, fathers have an easier time raising sons. We know our sons because we were our sons. Even if there are difficulties, we still view them within the confines of masculinity and deal with them as such. However with daughters, the uncertainty increases as the years go by. Certain ingrained behaviors become barriers to teaching our daughters how to be comfortable and confident in themselves. Unintentionally, we double-talk and convey confusing messages to our daughters. Be smart, but not too smart. Be independent and know how to take care of yourself, but know when to let a man be a man. We teach our daughters antiquated platitudes because we want them to be perceived as “valuable” prospects. At the same time, we want to equip them to be in a position to be fearless in pursuing their own freedom and individuality.
It’s the teetering on that tightrope that scares me. How does a father teach his daughter to see herself beyond traditional roles and the narrow lanes society will aim to place her in while also affirming her right to choose tradition?
One thing that society has done a good job of is disparaging women who decide to pursue their own benchmarks. That is, we criticize the decision that some women make to put career over family while praising others who readily embrace being stay-at-home mothers. We’re seeing this very contradiction play out in politics.
I want to raise my daughter to be independent in the sense of I don’t want her to constantly measure her success against men.
|
On one side, you have the Democratic nominee, Hillary Clinton, who arguably has accomplished just as much as her husband. One could even say she’s been the brains behind the Clinton machine all along. The Clintons raised a daughter who pursued her career—much like her mother—before deciding to get married and start a family. Her father, Former President Clinton, may have held the tangible power, but it’s quite clear that Mrs. Clinton was the blueprint. As feminists, they depict the ideology that a woman’s first priority is to herself and the greater good.
Republicans still hold on to revisionist family values. It’s not surprising that Donald Trump is a sexist, chauvinist, walking embodiment of everything wrong with manhood because his marriages have mirrored that. He shows a pattern of selecting wives who are subservient. With an established pattern in wives and in his comments about his women, Trumps views women as interchangeable accessories. It’s easy to sidestep accountability when you’re dealing with a partner who has a warped perspective of her own value. For centuries, traditional values have hinged on the premise that a marriage is a symbiotic relationship. If you look at the Trumps, and similar “power couple” dynamics, you’ll see that the woman is always five steps behind. And yet, he didn’t teach his daughter to be that. His daughter, ironically enough, is an example of the modern statistical shift.
Much of the gender-based instruction we are given is so pervasive that we don’t become aware of its effects until we see it playing out in our children when they’re teenagers or nearly adults.
|
I want to raise my daughter to be independent in the sense of I don’t want her to constantly measure her success against men. I don’t want her to view success or her career is a scorecard. I want her to view her independence from the lens of controlling her own narrative of who she is and who she isn’t. She determines that she’s enough. Although, the truth is I’m scared that my ability to separate the intrinsic societal wants fathers have for daughters will be hindered by force of habit.
That’s the problem with raising children. Much of the gender-based instruction we are given is so pervasive that we don’t become aware of its effects until we see it playing out in our children when they’re teenagers or nearly adults. By then, it’s usually too late for reprogramming.
—
Photo: Getty Images
I have a problem with the word, tradition, because it is a euphemism for patriarchy. I cringe whenever I hear the phrase, traditional roles. I have told young women that I would be very unhappy if they “chose traditional roles” because in effect, they would be affirming male dominance. I do not want young women to “choose” to be economically dependent on husbands, to take their husbands’ names, to join patriarchal churches, and so on. I want young women, including your daughter, to be feminist activists. I want them to speak out whenever someone call them “guys”, I want them… Read more »
Well unfortunately for you Marie, part of being an independent, autonomous person (male or female) is choosing whatever lifestyle that makes you happy, not what would make random people happy.
Woodruff’s daughters, and every other woman on earth, are not obliged to be feminists simply because it would please you or anyone else.
you have control issues.
Relax. You’re all over the place here. Been there done that. It’s not as tough as pop-culture makes it out to be, and it’s going to be more rewarding for you then her (but she won’t know that). I have to agree with Terri. You don’t have to teach her to be feminine or anything else beyond confidence in who she is as a person. The rest is for her to decide. Truth be told, the best and easiest thing a dad can do is to show her what it is to be a good man. Be open, honest, and… Read more »
“Generally, fathers have an easier time raising sons. We know our sons because we were our sons.”
That would be the sane thing I’d feel if I had a daughter, but for different reasons. I wouldn’t know how to play tea party or style her hair. In other words, I wouldn’t know how to make her feminine. Raising a girl to be like a boy would be easy. I’d also prefer she’d talk to her mother about gynecological issues.
Tea parties and hair styling don’t make a girl feminine, so no worries on that account. The bottom line is that fathers raise a daughter to be *herself* and never mind teaching her to be feminine. She’ll be who she is. Some girls are very stereotypically feminine, others aren’t. If she can be herself, she’ll be happy and productive. That’s all we can ask of any parent.