Why I Always Fall for Emotionally Unavailable Men

A guy approaches me, he seems sweet, nice, and genuine. He showers me with love and attention. He always has time for me. He makes me feel special, like I’m the best thing that ever happened to him. He takes all the initiative to progress our relationship and never fails to tell me how much he likes me.

I get attached and I start liking him back. I start feeling a connection and then bam! 3 months later my texts are left on read, he never calls, he’s distant and suddenly unsure about us.

This has been my story for the last couple of years. And the worst part is, it keeps happening again and again. Even if I get over a guy who suddenly became emotionally unavailable, I somehow manage to land myself in a similar situation with another emotionally unavailable guy.

Now, everybody goes through this. Love bombing followed by ghosting is unfortunately very popular in today’s dating culture. However, if this becomes a pattern, maybe you need to take a look at yourself and see what you are doing wrong. At least that’s what I did and now I have an answer to why I always attract emotionally unavailable men.

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1. I Trusted Too Easily

And there’s a reason why I trusted too easily. Let me tell you a story.

The first boyfriend I ever had was in 7th grade. Let’s call him A. Obviously, I was a kid back then and knew nothing about creating and maintaining a healthy relationship. All that I knew was that I liked A and I wanted him to be mine. And he truly was the best boyfriend I ever had but that’s a story for another time.

The main takeaway from this story is that A is the first guy I dated and loved and he was so perfect that I fooled myself into thinking that every other guy would be just as perfect as him.

So when there were early signs of emotional unavailability in a guy, I ignored them. For instance, if a guy told me he couldn’t reply to my text for 2 days because he was “busy”, I trusted him because A would never lie to me.

Similarly, when a guy asked me to go with the flow for a whole year, claiming that he loved me but wanted to focus on his career at the moment, I believed him because once again because A would never string me along.

So what I learned in the end is there are always signs. If someone is emotionally unavailable or just not that into you, their actions will tell you. You just need to open your eyes and allow yourself to see the reality instead of making excuses for their behavior.

2. I Wasn’t Aware Of The Dating Games

When you are used to being someone’s girlfriend for 4 years, it gets very hard to get back into the dating game. And I learned the hard way that you cannot treat a guy as your boyfriend before he’s actually your boyfriend.

In my case, I was used to sharing updates throughout the day with A. We also didn’t play any mind games when it came to responding to texts. If I had my phone in my hand, I would respond within a second and he did the same. But apparently, when you start dating someone new, doing this might make you seem desperate, which in turn might make them lose interest in you.

So even if they were actually interested in the beginning, I might have driven them away by being overly available. After all, we don’t value things we get too easily.

I’ve heard some people say that when you finally meet the right person, all these games don’t matter. But one thing is for sure, they wont respect you if you show that your entire life revolves around them and that relationship. So for now, I’ve decided to match energy instead of overserving.

Note: You should definitely show you are interested in them. Just don’t bend over backwards to get their attention. Know when to stop.

3. Too Many Trust Issues Made Me The Red Flag

My dating history is a horror story. After A, I didn’t make a single good decision. And while failures are important to learn important life lessons, too many failed relationships can be damaging. That’s exactly what happened to me.

I stopped trusting people and I stopped putting effort into my relationships. After A, I was fortunate enough to meet another wonderful man. He was caring, sensitive, and consistent and we got along really well. He would always make time to call me, update me, and was consistent with his affection. But because I have been hurt so many times in the past, I couldn’t reciprocate.

Months went by with him doing most of the work in our relationship and I continued to take from him without giving anything in return. Then one fine day, we got into a fight and he decided to end our relationship.

I was shocked. I asked him how he could leave me over a small fight if he truly loved me. What he said shocked me. He said that although he loves me, he never felt loved by me and he’s not going to waste his time on someone who clearly doesn’t want him. I tried to convince him that I did love him but he said my words meant nothing if they never match my actions.

In the end, I was back in the same loop. He stopped calling me, stopped texting, became more and more distant, and slowly faded away from my life. Only this time, I was the one who was emotionally unavailable and drove him away.

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Sometimes we are so busy pointing fingers at others, that we fail to realize how our actions might be affecting them. Are they really emotionally unavailable or are they simply matching your energy?

I’m sure my story resonates with many. You might not have had an A in your life but many of us made the same mistake of trusting too easily or being overly available for someone who didn’t reciprocate the same way.

The good news is, we still have time to change. Recognizing our pattern is the first step. Understanding why we continue to stay in unhealthy relationships is the next. And then finally, we can talk about breaking the pattern and embracing secure and stable connections.

It’s a long journey, so buckle up!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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